Twisting in the wind

[Rose888]

I find it hard to believe that kids in their 20s would blame a parent for kicking out a spouse who is actively engaged in adultery.

[AndrewP]

How did your doctor's appointment go the other day? Did you get tested?

In response to your last update - I'm not surprised she's told you she's staying with OM this weekend. This is what I meant by how you're in the friend zone. She's comfortable sharing things with you just like she would tell a friend.

I'm sad that you told her, "the waiting for her to make a choice was giving me a lot of pain but that I would wait until there was no more hope." You deserve so much better than to wait around while she has a relationship with another man. You're choosing to wait for her. That is your choice. I hope you're still working on yourself as well. Have you sought out another counselor?

dream - yes I got my tests collected - waiting for the results. The DR didn't seem concerned about the weight loss but there were a lot more tests done than just STD and she's asked me to monitor my blood pressure. I also got a referral to another IC - waiting to see when they can fit me in.

Thanks again for your calm voice.

[AndrewP]

- Do you believe that she has betrayed only your marriage? What about your friendship? Is this the kind of person you would want as your friend?

- There is a difference between abandonment and detachment. She's going to live her life as she chooses. But why would you want to let yourself repeatedly get hurt? At some point, enough has to be enough. Let's go back to basics. What are your goals? What do you WANT?

darknes - as usual you pose the tough questions I struggle with. I'm going to ignore the first one because I honestly don't have an answer to it.

For the second one ... I want to move on and build a new life, ideally with W but on my own if necessary. Because I care deeply for this person I also want W to be happy but know that she has to find it for herself and that I can't make it for her. This I struggle with a lot because I'm a "fix-it" kind of guy and waiting for the glue to dry or the putty to set is difficult. I do know that to get the plan A of a new MR will require patience. I will face abuse and setbacks and I need to find the strength within to endure it for something I believe in so strongly while still standing my own ground as best as I can. I also need to accept that I may fail in that goal.

[pinn]

I feel your pain Andrew. We have all been through it, it [censored].

I would re-read DR. It took me the second time to really understand everything. The worst thing you could do is tell your WW (she is without a doubt WW) that you will wait until there is no hope. That will just prolong the situation.

If I were in your situation (which I kind of was minus the rubbing my nose in it part), I would be more or less be avoiding my WW and start living my life completely separately. Getting out of the house is a good start (yes I know you don't want to do that). I understand the friendship part. My wife has been my best friend since I was 10, I get it. You need to start doing what is best for Andrew.

You can do this

[AndrewP]

I find it hard to believe that kids in their 20s would blame a parent for kicking out a spouse who is actively engaged in adultery.

Rose888 - We are FAMILY and to us that transcends everything else. While they may not "blame" me for kicking her out, they most certainly would blame me for not trying every possible thing in my power to try to heal the family. Just as I would blame myself if I didn't try.

I think it's different when there are young kids involved. For them as a parent you need to guide them and protect them from the evils in the world. In my case S22 who is the only one who has a glimmer of what is going on (doesn't know about the A - I intend to keep it that way) has been hugely supportive of me while still supporting W and has been a great source of strength when I needed it. I've held off telling D24 because it is her 4th wedding anniversary today and I wouldn't spoil that for the world. It's only been a month since the big BD2 and there hasn't been time enough to have a good separation between the sad and the happy. I had asked S22 after Mother's Day to talk to D24 because I felt he would have a balanced opinion but for whatever reason - he never did - so now it will be up to me. W had only told them that we were having "problems", down-played it a lot and never told me that she had told them until it came up just before Mother's Day. I think I treat them more as adults than she does personally. W also has stronger personal / sharing boundaries than I do. While she has no control over what I do anymore I do try to balance / respect her attitudes with mine.

I write both S22 and D24 a letter every month and this month will explore the challenges I am facing health-wise and in getting through to W trying to heal our family. I will not cast blame or disrespect W in any fashion in that letter. Even here as I've mentioned before now, I have written nothing that I would be ashamed to say to W's face although I admit some of it would be awkward. I'm planning on writing the letter - rather later than usual - in a bit over a week.

Who knows? With how fast this changes direction we may be going down a sunny path again by then.

[AndrewP]

You need to start doing what is best for Andrew.

You can do this

Thanks pinn - That is truth that you've said. None of are perfect, especially in DBing. Some of us are even less perfect than others. All I can do is pick myself back up and keep moving forward.

[MoveFrwd]

I find it hard to believe that kids in their 20s would blame a parent for kicking out a spouse who is actively engaged in adultery.

We are FAMILY and to us that transcends everything else. While they may not "blame" me for kicking her out, they most certainly would blame me for not trying every possible thing in my power to try to heal the family. Just as I would blame myself if I didn't try.

I think it's this that is troubling me the most. You say you want to heal the family, but I cant see any steps that youve taken to actually do that.

Im not saying that you should or shouldnt. But why do you think kicking W out is not a step towards healing? Why do you think that putting your foot down that you wont be disrespected and wont be her Plan B is not a step on the path towards having your family be whole again?

You can call it abandonment all you want. But I think that it's a step towards your goals.

[doodler]

AndrewP,

darknes is being exceedingly kind.

I don't know if there's a cultural difference or if it's something else, but when a WW tells her H that she's going to go boink the OM this weekend, then that normally elicits a reflexive response of foot to @ss in the direction of the door. What's up? Do you have no boundaries?

[AndrewP]

We are FAMILY and to us that transcends everything else. While they may not "blame" me for kicking her out, they most certainly would blame me for not trying every possible thing in my power to try to heal the family. Just as I would blame myself if I didn't try.

I think it's this that is troubling me the most. You say you want to heal the family, but I cant see any steps that youve taken to actually do that.

Im not saying that you should or shouldnt. But why do you think kicking W out is not a step towards healing? Why do you think that putting your foot down that you wont be disrespected and wont be her Plan B is not a step on the path towards having your family be whole again?

You can call it abandonment all you want. But I think that it's a step towards your goals.

darkens - and I think that this is fundamentally where you and I most often disagree. You generally (appear to) espouse the stronger steps where I tend to be more conciliatory - call it door-mat if you wish. To me and S22 and D24 our family's WW is still part of our family and always will be even if she walks her own path. To best heal the family requires keeping her within our fold. If she walks her own path then the bond between she and I will be strained and only via S22 and D24 and that will be difficult for all of us.

Not being a religious man I can't help but think of the parable of the lost lamb.

As far as the steps I've taken - I'm giving her space to find herself and am letting her make up her own mind. Yes - I'm getting hurt and hurt quite badly in the process and I often wonder why I do this myself. One of the reasons that I'm here is that I really DON'T know what else to do. I try to evaluate all the suggestions with as open of a mind as I'm capable of but I need to balance those with my own moral compass of who I am and what I'm willing to do. I do know that trying to push her out or in any particular direction will not work. Neither does pulling her. So - pushing the door doesn't work, pulling the door doesn't work so I'm left sitting outside the door, working on myself and waiting for the door to open knowing all the while that the door may be broken within.

- sorry Friday afternoon here - digesting Thai food (almost got my calories for the day already) seems to make me talk in allegories.

[Rose888]

I agree that family is critically important and that spouses should take responsibility for working on their marriage. I won't go so far as to say they should do everything in their power, because I think that can be interpreted in unhealthy ways. There is sometimes tension between the needs of family members and the needs of the family unit, and I think families need to find a balance.

However, staying in the same house is not always the best way to work on a marriage.

I usually find alpha males obnoxious and repulsive, but you could use a touch of that assertiveness. Thanking your wife for telling you she is going to spend the night with the OM is . . . odd.