Wifes 4 week affair was discovered by my 13 year old daughter, via saucy texts on her phone, confronted wife who admitted affair, said she 'couldn't give him up', when I asked her what she thought would happen if she had an affair, she thought it would 'fizzle out'.
Next day she ended affair, although I didn't witness phone call, then said she owed it to our marriage to try to work it out, I suggested joint counselling and personal therapy, both agreed to. She gave me 2 weeks of intimate, and 2 weeks of non intimate, plus 5 counselling sessions, on 4th session, came out with a litany of 8 points over 22 years that I had let her down, and that she was done, I had sucked the life out of our marriage, then moved out within 2 weeks, so 6 weeks start to finish. we were not in a bad place uptil that point, not perfect, but no sign of splitting up, the 8 points she made were justified, but not untypical of a 22 year marriage, and last point was 5 years ago, although she had an e-mail affair 3 years ago.
She is 45, I am a young 61, subsequent to moving out, she has re kindled her affair with the AP, but insists that we were over anyway, I accept the 8 points are valid, and am doing the work to explore my own issues, not sure which category this places her in, she WAS very angry with me, but now out of the MH, seems calm and very happy, not the same here
Last edited by Cadet; 05/20/1610:15 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet, I have been reading posts for about 6 weeks before posting, am still baffled by the speed of her leaving, and it doesn't appear that she wants to R so am feeling lost, still with my kids, 16 and 14, in the MH, she is acting like everything is fine, I feel the affair was the reason for leaving, she says it was an exit affair and that we were done, however, no discussions to that effect, nit sure if she is WAW or WW, any thoughts, married 17 years together 22
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet, I have been reading posts for about 6 weeks before posting, am still baffled by the speed of her leaving, and it doesn't appear that she wants to R so am feeling lost, still with my kids, 16 and 14, in the MH, she is acting like everything is fine, I feel the affair was the reason for leaving, she says it was an exit affair and that we were done, however, no discussions to that effect, nit sure if she is WAW or WW, any thoughts, married 17 years together 22
Personally I would not worry about her type, she has already left - actually, just you need to catch up on that fact.
The speed is part of the overall script and it is possible that things have been going on for a while just unknown to you. Kind of like an iceberg you can not always see everything under the water.
Change the focus to YOU. You can not change or FIX her. You can fix yourself.
Going to gym, eating well, sleeping better, taking medication, occasional good days, but feeling pretty hopeless, getting out and about and started dance lessons, also going majority of child care, when u say the speed is part of the script, can you expand on that?
Have you read all of Sandi's threads linked above?
She does a pretty good job of explaining what is going on. Again do not get hung up on what type of spouse you have, accept that all things are possible.
Our spouses are under lots of stress and pressure, mostly all of it is internal and not something that you easily see. Once they decide to try to break free of that situation nothing you can do or say will stop them. Hence the speed you seem to see. It seems to you that a switch has been thrown and now everything is OPPOSITE of the way it used to be. They incorrectly think that by shedding themselves of the marriage that they will be able to fix themselves. Instead of looking at why things are broken, they just want to proceed down the path of least resistance. YOU were the closest thing to them and so because of that anything that happened to them must be YOUR fault. Your fixer, co-dependent, conflict avoiding ways enabled this thinking and the recipe was set for what has happened.
The last thing I will say is that you did not break her and you can not FIX her.
You are on the right path towards healing and making yourself whole with the GAL activities you indicate.
As for your question about the speed for her leaving and the lack of information for why, is as cadet mentions, part of the script. To clarify, regardless of the type, WAW, MLC, or WW, many do the same. This is the reason cadet indicates that it is not important to what you do moving forward.
Speaking from my experience, I spent much time trying to figure out what was going on when she told me she wanted a separation, then shortly after a divorce, and then she was gone and angry.
The time I put into trying to makes sense of it all was wasted energy and efforts. I still have not made sense of it all and all I have to show for it are many theories that serve no purpose. Lost energy and time, which could have been better spent healing and going forward.
I know it is difficult to simply not try and make sense of it. I still catch myself spinning a theory or or analyzing and action/ comment she makes. But when I do catch myself, I re focus to me and control of me. We cannot control them and having all of the answers for why they do this changes nothing.
Keep on your path of healing. Keep the mind focused inward and forward. Be well and may you find some moments of peace this day.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Speaking from my experience, I spent much time trying to figure out what was going on when she told me she wanted a separation, then shortly after a divorce, and then she was gone and angry.
The time I put into trying to makes sense of it all was wasted energy and efforts. I still have not made sense of it all and all I have to show for it are many theories that serve no purpose. Lost energy and time, which could have been better spent healing and going forward.
I know it is difficult to simply not try and make sense of it. I still catch myself spinning a theory or or analyzing and action/ comment she makes. But when I do catch myself, I re focus to me and control of me.
I think you are giving great advice and actually are at the point where most of us end up. However I do understand why there is this need to know wtf just happened after this sledgehammer came down and hit us in the head. I do agree that it is mostly a waste of time understanding it all and that you can not fix it or change it. From a scientific point of view I actually find it all fascinating and wanted to know as much about this as I could figure out. So after reading over 30 books and doing enough research to theoretically get a PHD in this subject it can finally start to make sense. Of course what I am saying is also like Alice going down into wonderland and that whole world making sense too!
The root of it all is mostly depression, either covert(hidden) or overt(obvious) and can trace through other portions of biology such as hormones, genetics and family of origin.
If you really want to learn there is much information that can be gathered here. Although most people will take my word for it, some need this information to keep moving forward. I know I did.
I agree with you cadet. Gathering as much info as possible to try and have an idea of the dynamic that created the situation can be therapeutic and help in our progress. For me that will be key in my long term healing and journey so that I may be much the wiser in future relationships. It is just better to focus on that as I get into a good place and right frame of mind to know and understand it all.
For me early on the time and energy lost was trying to pin down the WAW for answers and clarity and that just made a mess for me.
Learning of all the factors in play are good to know. IMHO being in the right frame of mind to know the factors and how they can contribute is key. Many LBS are not in that frame of mind early on and want this info to control the situation. That is detrimental to how they proceed. Getting to a place of calm, acceptance and when the LBS is truly only focused on controlling themselves and not the S or situation, I think is a good time to learn about the why.
I believe we are on the same page and hopefully, Martin, you can digest our thoughts and apply for you in a healthy manner that helps you progress and DB effectively.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
