My third post - please be nice

[Pink17]

Hi Collin,

Well, I can't afford the DB coach as well, so I just counted on the help of my DBiers friends, and still do.

My advice is to prepare yourself somewhat to what is very normal and predicted, you are on the mercy of her rollercoaster and with her moving out it will be also your own rollercoaster.

The same pain that comes with her living the house, will sure give you the space and peace to see the whole picture and better yourself, and vice-versa. There will be days where you will feel good that the tension is gone, and there will be days, moments, when the emptiness will just crash you down.

I guess when I was at that stage, it was really good to know that many of us go through it and it is perfectly normal, so I did not bit myself in a head with too many 2 x 4s. I accepted to be sad, gave myself space to cry and feel like my world was ending.

It helped to gather myself again and think that I could do better next day. Remember that it is one day at time, that every step forward will be a positive, that this is a marathon not a sprint. It takes time, lots of it and it takes patience, lots and lots of it.

Your W is not acting rationally, she sure have her reasons for her behavior but she keeps setting you up to fail her. I really think you are doing the right thing and say NO sometimes for all her requests. She is acting like a brat and it is not OK.

Maybe it is the way it was before. She sets up some expectations of how you should react to what she has in her mind, and then she thinks that you are a loser for not meeting those expectations. The only thing missing here is that you can't read her mind and she does not communicate well with you.

Sometimes Collin, as it happened to me, we feel very guilty because we are fast to recognize that we failed in some aspects that we could have been better for our partners, but then with time we keep thinking and we remember why we became what we became, we start seeing that our partners were not really there for us and they also made many, many mistakes that collaborate for the demise of the M.

I know that you have been looking into yourself and you see all the things that you could have done. But reading your posts also makes me think that she is not all this perfect wife.

Give yourself time to heal a little bit, to start GAL, to have a life without so much tension and ups and downs. It gets better, I promise, this super horrible pain won't last forever. There will be pain, but not as bad. There will be bad days, but not as much. Have hope.

I also would like to read about your R with your kid. You do no write much about spending time with her, what you do together, what are your plans on seeing her.

Collin, have patience. Maybe she needs to walk this path now to find out that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Let her miss you. Don't allow her to drive you crazy just because she is losing her mind.

Hope you are having a calm day today. My thoughts are with you. Pray when the desperation comes, it helps.
God bless you honey!

Pink

[collin]

Thanks Pink. Today is rough. I feel like I'm on the verge of crashing. Any given second the tears could start. I just had to go do a site visit for my job and it was all I could do not to cry there. It was a hour and a half drive there and back and all I wanted to do was call her and grovel and beg for her not to leave.

I stopped by the house on my way back to let out a cry. But now I've got to go submit for a permit at the inspections department where we met and she worked. I may or may not make it to my office today. I don't know how beneficial my presence will be today. I'm so tired of sitting at work crying. I just want the pain to go away. It hurts so bad.

[Pink17]

Hi Collin,

I am so sorry you need to go through this pain. I totally understand you and how you feel for being there myself one day. Just have the comfort from some of us that made it. It hurts but it won't destroy you unless you allow it to.

If you can take time out of work without hurting your job situation, then do so. But, just as an advise, do not stay alone for too long. Please, seek the company of a friend that you know won't be upset if you talk about your situation.

That is why GAL is so important. It is not just to show your partner that you are moving on without her, but it is for your mental balance and emotional health. At first, you do not want to go anywhere and then force yourself, then the next few times you don't really feel like but you're OK with it. Then you actually start enjoying some things, change others, you start exploring stuff you were not familiar with.

Give yourself a chance to be happy just for yourself, to be good for yourself and pamper yourself a little. Get to know more people and your world will get bigger and bigger.

And did I say that you will cry a lot more? Yes, you will. But it is the attitude behind your behavior that will make a big difference. You cry because you are not made of rock or iron, you are a human being with emotions. The difference is that for each cry you will put your head up and look for what is best for you and all the things you can do to rescue your M, your family.

Now, instead of the whole "I want to die today that we all know we want". What are the plans moving forward? What are the changes we will hear once she moves out? Hair cut? Clothes? Weight? Are you looking for some kind of hobby? What your GAL plans look like? Understand that GAL doesn't necessary need to be going out with friends, it can also be something you always want to do but did not put much effort on it. Or maybe, that martial arts class you stopped long ago, or joining a gym, the list can be long.

It also help if you go to counseling for yourself for awhile, there are behaviors that you developed that you already told us you would like to get rid off or improve, so no better time then now. Since I know some of these behaviors, I will post as much as I can and bother you about this things.

I also listen to KLove 91.1 to help me to have hope, strength and the hand of the Lord to guide me on.

Hugs,
Pink

[collin]

Well...today is her move out day. But, I don't feel so doom and gloom as I did yesterday, let me tell you why:

So, last night when she got home I was lying on the couch. She asked me a question (I can't remember what is was now - something irrelevant) and I sat up to answer her. Looking at her I was overwhelmed with emotion so I got up and went to another room to cry. She came and found me and walked up to me and we shared a big hug and shared a cry. We got to talking and I told her that I need to make some changes for me. I told her, even if she wasn't in the picture, I needed to do some changing. She said that it was good I was doing it for me. Then she said she was in a really bad place now emotionally and needed to work on her to get herself back right emotionally. She said she hates who she has become and needs to work on it. I asked her when we hang out during the next 6 months will we be husband/wife or will we be dating. She said "dating, i'd like that" and smiled.

This morning on my way into work I called her to thank her for our talk she said, there's no need to thank me, that's part of being married. Hearing her say that filled me with joy. I sort of feel like she hasn't given up on our marriage. I am so thankful that she is giving me this 6 months to bust my butt so I can be the best me I can be. I told her that our first 5 years have been very tumultuous and 6 month break can be exactly what our marriage needs to thrive in the future.

But, this isn't to say I can just rest on my laurels and think all I have to do is wait on the next 6 months and everything will be hunky dory. I have to better myself. I must better myself. Because I know that if I don't, there won't be an us after 6 months. I would have just let her down...again...

Another thing, during our talk I told my W that another thing I am grateful for is that I can use the next 6 months to work on my relationship with my D. My D is my W's D from her first marriage. I fell head over heels in love with that little girl and adopted her when she was 7 (her bio wasn't a part of her life). Now she is 12 and a combination of her hormones and the strain between my W and I have caused us to drift apart. Every now and then if we're watching TV she'll sit beside me lean against me and I love that feeling so much. My W and I tried to have kids of our own and couldn't. My W and D are near about identical in the way they act and look. My W joked and said you'll have a mini version of her to practice on dealing with for the next 6 months. I need to figure out things that an almost teenager girl will enjoy doing and go do them with her. My W said this is a very important time in the relationship between my D and I and what happens now will determine if we are close or distant in the future. My W wasn't really close with her father as a teenager and their relationship has only started getting better the past few years.

PINK, you said you you were going to bother me to make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. So, I'm counting on you to hold me accountable.

Ok, well, my nights are going to be real quiet the next few months so I'll have more time to be on here instead of being on here at work (like I am now). I just wanted to share the most recent happenings.

[collin]

About to head home from work. Sort of dreading it.

[MoveFrwd]

Collin -
You say this:

We got to talking and I told her that I need to make some changes for me. I told her, even if she wasn't in the picture, I needed to do some changing.

but it looks like youre thinking this:

I am so thankful that she is giving me this 6 months to bust my butt so I can be the best me I can be.

I must better myself. Because I know that if I don't, there won't be an us after 6 months. I would have just let her down...again...

If you are truly doing this for yourself, then you will know that the 6 month window is not a window at all. This isnt something shes giving you. This isnt to not let her down.

This is about YOU.

[bigybiz]

Collin:

I really feel for you. My W moved out on Saturday - check out my new thread if you want to. I had a few sessions with a DB coach and it was helpful. For me it was important step, since I had invested so much time into the DB book at that point. You may want to see if there is $ support somewhere. Perhaps your church has a fund for "special things". Perhaps there are others in your area who can offer similar services. I recently started working with a life/business coach - who surprisingly had lots of good insight into my MR issues. He was also able to help me make my GAL action orientated so it fit with my career and other goals. My coach is less expensive than the DB coach. As I said, I got lots of value from my DB coach.

Perhaps look around and see if there are alternatives that might help. Even if you got one or two small nuggets of info from them it could be a game changer.

[collin]

I'm not saying that since I became more accepting of her moving out she's starting to change her mind. But after our talk a few days back I know I have had a more positive attitude about it. At one point she was all but blazing a trail out of the house to her townhome. Right now, she is in the bedroom laying in the bed asleep. I don't think she moved one box today. I just think it's odd. I come home everyday expecting her NOT to be here...and she is. I'm not complaining at all. Just making observations.

[J5K]

Collin,

your doing great. Odd yes, don't read into it any more than that! Keep up the good work!

[collin]

Well she hasn't moved out yet. But she started packing her toiletries and clothes last night so it's only a matter of time before she's gone. I thought I was ok with it. But I've been sitting here today at work thinking and I'm really not. I don't want her to leave.

I got too comfortable last night and said something like "what are you going to do with the couch (you bought) when you move back?" She said I act like it's a definite and I said, no, you are moving back. She said we haven't even had our first MC yet.

I shouldn't of said that, I know, because it's relationship talk and pursing and that doesn't do any good. But I didn't quantify myself like I should of. I just acted like all I had to do was wait out the 6 months and she'll come be-bopping back home. I know it's not the case. What I meant to say was, you are coming back because I'm going to do what I need to do to ensure it.

I don't know, maybe her going ahead and leaving will help me with sticking my foot in my mouth and saying stupid stuff.

My first 10k is this weekend and I keep on trying to feel her out by telling her you don't have to go if you don't want. She keeps on saying she doesn't mind going. So, if we're counting Pyrrhic victories, I consider that one. At least she's willing to be at the race 7am on a Saturday to watch and wait for me.

Back at the beginning of my first post I told myself I had to keep on chipping away. I need to remember that instead of trying to get her back in one felt swoop. It's a marathon, not a race.