I'm not a big fan of ADs or most other drugs. Especially for a first solution. I would look for a vitamin, herb or food type that helps with relaxing. Much better for you than drugs.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Ralph88, I was blaming myself for everything early on but have come to realize, while I have my fault/blame in our current situation, my W has her own issues she is dealing with. While she's said she is willing to work on the M, she's never said what her failure is and I don't believe she thinks she has done anything wrong - in her mind it's all me. She's been very introspective of herself in 2016 and building her business. Think she feels resentful having had to rely on me for financial support all of these years (MC suggested something to that effect). I felt a little resentful she wouldn't get out and work more myself as the kids where older and she didn't need be home all day with very little to do. We had been acting resentful towards each for a good number of years by the time my W pulled the plug this past December. I think the problem now becomes will she ever she her part in a M breakdown? If she doesn't, how can I expect her to ever want to work on rebuilding our M. Back in Jan/Feb I felt she was more open to rebuilding the marriage but things have been on a steady decline and now I feel she's just completely disconnected from me emotionally and focusing 100% on herself (maybe she on this forum getting some advice lol).
On a separate note, I find myself adopting her cold attitude around her and I hate that I do that. I just have such a hard time being upbeat and happy around her when she is being cold towards me. At the very least I am saying hi to her every time she comes home or gets up in the morning, she barely acknowledges me. It's difficult to be upbeat and happy when you aren't supposed to be initiating conversation. I find not initiating conversation difficult as well as not talking about what I am doing or where I am going. Normal stuff you would talk about. For instance, I go to the gym almost daily after dinner. I get changed into my workout clothes and leave without saying where I am going - there is no mystery as to where I am going (she isn't wondering). Clearly I'm going to the gym, why not just say I'm going to the gym for a few hours, I'll see you later. Create a little conversation and communication day to day. My W tends to do this when she goes to her gym but not always, but could be her reacting to me not ever telling her where I am going. I guess my point is, we are in marital strife right now, no EA/PA, no talk of divorce (yet) so is the best thing for me to be doing is not communicate with her? I'm not talking about pursuing, that would show weakness on my part for sure, just try and create a little more communication day to day, see if the coldness might lighten up. As her about how things are going with her work, about the training course she has been doing etc. I act completely uninterested based on the 'not initiating conversation' rule but I wonder if I am doing the right thing in my particular circumstances. Perhaps I'm creating a bigger void.
It sounds like you have a true WAW. I think if you talked to a DB coach they'd tell you to keep the lines of communication open. Not relationship talk, but funny quips and "how was your day" kind of stuff.
Not sure about neglected, I'm a pretty attentive guy for the most part (she never complained of being neglected, taken for granted she has complained about though) but I've turned that off since things have gone down hill trying to make it seem like I'm going on with my life. But, it just doesn't feel right. Not relationship talk, but funny quips and "how was your day" kind of stuff is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm going to start doing this subtly - hopefully it will lighten things up a little between us. My W said she needed time and space but we still live together and not talking at all just creates more heaviness and I need to try and lighten things up a little.
I know what you mean; it's difficult to know what's best with regard to allowing space yet being attentive. There were times when I couldn't do anything right (i.e., it didn't matter what I did, my wife would twist it around on me).
The coach I had reflected much of what the DR book says; set goals, try different things, find out what works and what doesn't work and don't go down cheese-less tunnels.
I read a lot of LBS that are worried and focused on how to conduct conversations with the WAS with DB techniques. They seem to worry that talking to much creates arguements or creates bad R talks. Or on the flip side the LBS worries that if they don't talk to the WAS, that they are being cold or will lose opportunities to draw closer through conversation. But ultimately the LBS seems to over think it all as if their approach will control an outcome.
My thoughts on this are that it takes 2 people to affect any outcome as it relates to this topic.
If you ignore the WAS, and they feel neglected then you are off base. If you try really hard to have conversations and the WAS does not want to talk then you push them away. If you try light conversation and the WAS is cold or short with you you feel hurt and react as such. If the WAS tries to speak with you and you are short or vague , they can get upset or suspicious.
All of these examples are one sided and focus on the LBS trying to control an outcome by useing one approach and missing the big picture.
Communication requires 2 people to be effective. But 1 person can effectively communicate if they are not trying to control an outcome.
This brings me to my point. Detachment is needed. Detachment is key, because then you can use any approach and not have it hinge on the behavior of the other person. Because when you are detached you accept anything they do or say with out it affecting you. And then because it does not affect you, you can adjust for what works, not for what you feel like is working.
So if you say good morning and you are in a good mood. When you are ignored, it does not change your mood. If you you are headed out with friends and you are asked where you are going, you can reply in a happy friendly manner that you are going out with friends. And no matter the reaction you do not think about it as you are having a good time with friends.
Also, with detachment it is much more effective to DB, by experimenting and noting what works. You stay out of cheese less tunnels and you become your own person . You become the person that can be attractive again to the WAS, and you become the person that only a fool will leave. And at that point you will be the person that will accept the de idiom of the fool if need be.
I apologize for the ramble, but it is also for me to remind myself as intent to want to analyze and take a linear controlled, approach which is not beneficial in our situations.
Detach, pay attention to what works, do what you know is right, not what you feel is right.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
One of the strangest things was that after BD, when I asked my WW "How was your day" conversationally, she would always be vague. Later on when I talked to her friend, I found out that she took it as me snooping on her.
It's weird because that was how usually she would open up to me and tell me her problems at work, etc. Her friend told her, well now you've betrayed him, no wonder you feel he's trying to keep tabs on you when he's just asking you how you were today. It's funny how a third party could see things so clearly. There's nothing to snoop if she didn't do anything she should feel guilty for!
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
SadHub/Doodler - you guys pretty much summed it up. I suck at detachment but will do my best to have no expectations of the communication attempts I put forth. I've gotten used to her saying no to dinner anytime I make it - I just carry on and have at times not even bothered to ask her at this point. She'll usually just say I ate earlier or I'm not hungry right now - I suppose it's her way of saying I don't need you to cook dinner for me. So complicated!
