Dear all, Though a newcomer I think I read everything that is on this site in the past few months and it's helping. Now I would like to add my story and see what advice (or maybe hope?) you can give me. My husband is experiencing MLC for several years now. 2 years ago I learnt about his affair with a co-worker (he was her boss). We ageed he'll put an end to it and we'll work on our marriage. Since he continued privately talking to her, we had many fights, mostly about his lies and then he started another EA, again he's her boss and again she's almost 20 years younger. Last September his uncle passed away which was a big shock for my husband, also because the uncle was there for him during his childhood when parents were preoccupied with my sister in law who is psychotic and therefore needs constant attention and help. Since September he wanted to leave, life is short, he made a mistake but it doesn't mean he needs to stay in bad marriage etc. The classic I love you but not romantically. You deserve someone who will love you better... He goes on business trips often and very often with the AP. Now I know that the affair is also physical. My husband is unstable, with his problems from childhood and very low self confidence he feels he's not enough for me. I'm very strong, balanced and very self confident person ( what he calls arrogant), very successful in my carreer. He is successful in his career too but now we are at the same level and he doesn't seem to be happy about it. Anyway, after very nice Christmas holidays we came back home decided we will give it one last try but the next morning he went for business trip with AP and since then it was really bad. I asked him to move out for a short period of time to restore myself. Now he's away for 3 months and is not planning to come back. He wants a divorce, divide property, is willing to give me more because he wants nothing to have with me "after final bye-bye". We have two kids, teenagers who live with me. They don't have very close relationship because my husband is very closed and reserved person. He has no friends. Only his muse. He still has my picture on his phone so when he opens the phone everyone can see it. He is still wearing the wedding ring. Last week in therapy he said that he only continues with it to tell me in front of 3rd person how I destroyed the marriage. Afterwards he told me that he has no added value for me that I don't need him, I'm able to do everything by myself. I always thought I would never tolerate infidelity. But here I am, hoping that my husband will get out of this phase and will come back. My family means all to me. Im just not sure after all the things he said, is it possible he'll ever come back? He changed so much I don't recognise him. Though it makes it easier to distance myself from him. I followed him to a country where we have no family. I have some friends but mostly work related. Feel alone though my boys are wonderful but I miss a partner to talk to, e-mail to during the day or share something over SMS. Should I be still hoping?
Bee, I'm very sorry that you are here. From your recent posting, it sounds like your h never completed his crisis. If that is the case, he will need to finish it up and usually when they stop in mid-crisis, the second time around is usually worse than at the beginning.
My advice is to leave him alone, only contact him in an emergency and keep to safe topics. Keep your focus on your bank accounts and credit cards. If you have joint accounts, separate them so that you are only having to take care of yours.
Try to keep the focus on you and your children. I know it's difficult and you have a lot going on...but the more you leave him alone, the better. Should you still be hoping? There is always hope in any situation and only you can decide when you've had enough. For now, live your life as if he's not coming back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Only you can say whether or not you should be hoping. Your story is very similar to mine, and many others on this board. This board is full of people who have hope, if not for now, then further down the road.
Except for the facts that I don't have a successful career and my girls are adults, you just wrote my story. My H and I did move far away from our families, as well, but just another state (might as well be another country).
The point here is, yes. You can still hope. But we are all learning that although there is a part we might have played or are playing in H's eyes that makes it so that they feel the need to leave, it most likely has been altered or enhanced in their minds due to their depression and building crisis; their MLC.
We can still DB. But understanding that they are in crisis is key. This is a long road. MLC can take a long time...however long it will take for them to work through their issues. Your best chance is to read what Cadet has given you as homework and post often. Focus on you, but be understanding of his needs to work this out on his own. Help him by giving him space, but being the person he can trust to turn to when he needs to talk. Listen It will help him. But that's about all you can do. Other than that, back off and don't pursue him or effort contact.
There are a lot of loving supportive people here...and a lot of wisdom. Keep posting!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you all for your posts. Job, I don't understand what you mean by "when they stop in mid-crisis...". Can you please explain to me?
Cadet, thank you for all that. I've been reading it for weeks now and it's really helpful. I wish I found it earlier. Would have avoided a few mistakes...
Ciluzen, I'm sorry about what you are going through. I'm not ready to file for divorce yet and hoping my H won't do it either. I read your latest thread and it seems you are doing fine. Keep it up! I also sacrificed a lot for my H and the family. Have no regrets but feel like I have much more time for myself since he's gone. kids comment on how peaceful and calm the house is (my H is very nervous type). Just like you, I finally lost the last few kilos of "baby weight" (my baby is 13 so you understand...). I feel much better about myself but then from time to time I get very sad about the family being destroyed and me being alone. And also angry with him. I'm not saying I was a perfect wife and made no mistakes but the fact that we cannot work on the marriage because of his affairs makes me angry. I'm trying no contact now. Though I will have to see him in therapy next week. Not looking forward to it but I'm afraid that if I cancel he will have one more thing to use against me. We are supposed to go for long holidays this summer - 3.5 weeks together! Still hesitating if I should go but we promised it to the kids more than a year ago and big part of it is booked and paid for already. Well, I still have 2 months to think about it... Good luck with your studies, I hope all will turn out well for you! Sometimes I think I would be better off w/o him but I just don't want to give up on us yet.
When someone enters a crisis, they must complete the entire crisis in order to get to the other side. There are times when something or someone will create a bump in the crisis and the person suffering the crisis will stop in mid-crisis or as I refer to it "snatched out of crisis". This is when the person returns to a somewhat normal self and puts his/her focus back on the relationship/marriage. For example, many times a person enters a crisis and then the spouse is diagnosed w/a life threatening illness...the MLCer will then focus on the spouse, or a child is killed, in some cases returns home and wants to be a part of the life once again w/the spouse and the marriage. Then after a period of time, starts the crisis once again.
Another example is when the LBS will do everything humanly possible to get the MLCer into counseling/therapy and the spouse returns home and attempts to live a normal life for a year, several years or even longer. Then another bump in the road of life, will jump start the crisis all over again and this time is far worse than when they started months or even years ago.
In a way, it's like an intervention that takes place for a drug addict and/or an alcoholic and they go into rehab and return home clean and sober and then something trips the switch and they spiral downward at a quicker and harder pace.
In your case, I think your h wanted to try one last time because he wasn't quite sure he was ready to leave on a permanent basis and when he found out that nothing had changed (in his mind), he knew he had to leave again. Crisis people are looking for change, change in environment, change in activities, change in people...but what they don't understand is that all of the external changes won't make them happy but for a short period of time and then they'll be out there seeking something else to make them happy. They don't realize that happiness comes from within and until they do, they will be running around trying and/or experimenting w/different things.
Right now, the OW is new, she is exciting and yes, she's stroking his ego and telling him all sort of things to keep him hooked. He feels alive for the first time in a long time...but that's lust and that will fade in time. It's a short lived "love fantasy" and it is not the true, heartfelt and deep love that we have experienced. He's feeling euphoric right now and until the day-to-day life takes over and things become routine again, he'll not be able to see what true love is all about. All of this is about him...not you. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. The only person that can fix him is himself.
For now, continue w/the no contact...but if you have to contact him about the children, keep the conversations on the children or any other safe topics. Try to avoid relationship conversations for now. Learn to be a good listener and really listen to what he says. There are times when they get chatty and tell more than they realize that they should.
Try to keep the focus on you and your children. You've still got some time to decide whether or not you'll go on holiday.
BTW, I'm attaching a thread that was done many years ago that has some really good info on it. It's a quick read...but it may help you just a wee bit.
Thank you, Job. Makes a lot of sense what you are saying. I do wish I knew about DB site 2 years ago. I will do as you suggest. It's not easy but after our last fight I'm determined not to let him trick me into "us" talk again. It will be easier now as I don't insist anymore that he spends more time with the kids. Even when he was with them he was in his world and didn't really interact much so it's better this way. I do hope he gets better, it's really difficult to watch his self-destruction but I do know that I cannot help him. He uses whatever I say against me and can be really cruel. Then he sends an e-mail to apologise, says he shouldn't have said what he said. I did not reply to the last one & not going to. It feels like he wants these fights but blames them on me and says he cannot stand them. It's unbelievable how so intelligent person and so reasonable and realistic at work context can be so lost in his emotional life. He has the same issues with his parents and the kids but I am the only one he can cut out of his life & that's what he's trying to do. Patience is not my strong point but it seems I have no other choice... I just hope he won't rush to make his AP pregnant just to "win" over me.
Bee, I can relate to how they can turn things around on you and then you are blamed. It's called justification for why they feel the way that they do.
They are very good at compartmentalizing their lives. When they are at work, many of them function very well because their focus is on work. Some, unfortunately, can't concentrate at work and the anger comes out to play, they miss time from work or they suddenly up and quit. Once they are off work, that section of their mind shuts down and then they focus on what is happening then, and this continues. We are another piece of the pie and they really try to block us out, but many of them have difficulty being alone or sleeping at night because thoughts of what they've done come out to play.
You are the first person that he will detach from because he sees you as the reason for all his woes. He'll continue to detach from the kids (to a point), pets, other family members, friends and co-workers. They generally will make new and younger friends along the way. The new best buds are generally not people they would have associated with pre-crisis. The way they enter the crisis, i.e., detaching from people, will be the exact opposite when they begin to wake up. You will be the last person that they will reconnect with.
Being patient does not mean you accept his outlandish behavior, especially if he's screaming or being a bully. You will need to call him on some of that behavior if it gets out of hand. You will need to set boundaries that acceptable for you and your children. Bottom line, you can't rely on him for anything and that's why it is important to detach as much as you can, live your life and above all else...keep the focus on you. This is a very long journey and no one can predict what will happen. However, the only person who can control you is you and what you want to do w/your life.
Come here to vent, cry, or just to chat. There is always someone around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After 11 days of not seeing my h (if I don't count stopping on the red light right next to him - what's the likelyhood?!) I will have to see him tomorrow in joint therapy session. I'm not happy about it. I think the therapist is not helpful. He is quite negative about us as a couple, his conclusion after just one session together, which was not meant as couples therapy but rather seeking help for h's issues, are not exactly positive. After the first session we had individual sessions and one joint session last week. He suggested 3 more joint ones where we talk about 10 events from our life together and what were our feelings. I really don't think it's helping. I'm thinking about going tomorrow but stopping after that (unless my h will want to continue). I don't think he is in the state to feel anything recalling the good moments & Im afraid that when we talk about the bad ones it just confirms to him that it's a good decision to split for good. He already said that the outcome of the therapy cannot be reconciliation. That for him it's over. I found another therapist who seems to be very pro-saving marriages. I have an appointment in June. But that'll be for individual session as for sure I won't be able to get my h to join. I wish I didn't have to go tomorrow. We should have waited a bit more with joint sessions. I do miss my h but the person I see these past few months it's not really him...
Bee, 1st i have not read thru your whole story, but I am so sorry you are struggling with the C. If you are not comfortable them or don't think that they are helping, then you did a great job on getting your own C. Also its great that this new C is pro-marriage. You can work on this on your own. If H will continue with Counseling and this is the C that H will see then I would continue. I am in a similar boat. I know that my joint C is trying and isn't sure what to do. I have a DB C as well and she is amazing. It is not wrong to have separate C's.
I will keep checking in on you!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
