I understand what you are saying. Many times we say things out of a deep pain and fear that we regret later. Sometimes we say things, thinking we will bluff the other person, and it comes back to bite us. Most of us have probably been guilty of doing those type actions, to some degree.
I hope you will take what I am about to suggest in the right way b/c I don't know if this is an ongoing problem. If you have a tendency to say mean things when you get into a situation with your W, I recommend you talk to your IC and seek a way in learning how to "fight fairly", without going for a vital organ with your sharp words. I was once told that I could shed a person like a head of cabbage and never use a ugly word. So.....I get where you are coming from.
I may not be able to tell you what to do to get your W back, but I can probably tell you a lot of things that don't work. You have already figured out what you were doing was accomplishing nothing but putting you in an early grave.
This is not going to be something you want to hear, so brace yourself. In all honesty, I do not see her changing her mind right away. I think she has been planning this for some time. That's not to say she will never change her mind! The pattern most women make is to get out on their own (or at least away from the H), have time to experience some freedom, experience or see what they have lost......and miss what they've lost. That usually takes time. The more anyone pressures her to stay with you, the more she is going to resist it. You have to turn lose and let her learn for herself.
I realize this may be taking away your breath and you are hearing "throw in the towel", however, that is not what I'm saying, okay? You need to utilize this time of separation by doing several things. Get a grip on that fear of yours. I think you may benefit reading a book called, Co-dependent No More. Also, if you have not read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you can download it free on the Internet. Hold on to Your N.U.T.S. is another recommendation. These are not relation-type books, but they are for the individual man who may not realize how he is hurting himself, due to being too nice......co-dependent, or whatever.
Don't just read to be reading, but digest it as if your life depended on you learning how to change into a better, stronger, more attractive type of male. Then go to work on what you learn. Not just changing the outside, but mainly making improvements in your mindset. Getting a life is something most newcomers seem to want to neglect, but the survivors here on the board will tell you that getting a personal life that does not involve your spouse is vital to improving yourself as a person, in detaching, becoming more interesting, more well-rounded, build confidence and healthier self-esteem, and overall just a happier outlook. That can be a real challenge for a person in the kind of pain of you are experiencing. Every LBS on the board can identify with your pain, and they started GAL by making themselves do it, whether they wanted to or not.
Not the kind of advice you were wanting, huh? I know, and I wish I had the magic formula, and I am giving you as close to any magic as you will get in these type of situations. Back away from her and do not try to date her, phone her, find excuses to see her. The more you pursue, the faster she'll go in the opposite direction. Yes, she's angry......all WW's are angry. That is another reason you need to keep your distance, and let give her lots of time to cool off. I am talking a lot of time! You can still have your kids over, but you don't need to be going over there. Make sense?
Appearing happier, more relaxed and in control can go a long with a woman's feelings. As long as she sees you angry, uptight, afraid, threatening, crying, depressed, etc...........the more she will want to escape. However, if you are pleasant, not asking a lot of questions, or making any emotional demand on her......she may begin to relax, also.
Don't let her take advantage of you, b/c that works against her respecting you. One of the main things you will need to accomplish in order to have a successful MR, is to have her respect. A woman has to respect her H as a man, before she can feel love for him as her H. So, don't try to nice her back, or become a doormat.....thinking you ate making up for what you've done or said to her. Get your focus on the "respect" and don't worry about showing her how much you love her. This is not really about showing how much you love her. I know she gave you some excuses for her wanting out, but all women do it. They feel they owe the H some mind of excuse.......even if they have to make it up! It seldom has anything to do with the real issue at hand, however. So again, don't get too out of balance over what she said.
Even if she doesn't see that much out of you, she will hear about you. She'll know you are not sitting home pinning away for her, and that you ate going out and GAL. You see, most of the time, it's just the opposite of what men think, that really catches the interest of his woman. Men and women do not think alike. So, get you a calendar and start filling in the days with various things to do. Make the most of this time you have. When you have the kids, give them fun memories to keep with them. You can do it. Sure, you don't feel like it at the moment, but you have to make yourself do these things, if you want a chance at a better future, and hopefully, your W wanting to come back to you. After a little while, I hope you'll see how this is not just about getting her back again, but to make yourself happier.
I will come back with more, but I will end this post for tonight. Don't give up. These things take a lot of time.
Sandi - Ive been reading back over your story and my own up til this point
The quote is from my first thread starting in Febuary.
I guess I'm trying to gleam some information from your husbands point of view during your WW time. Obviously he we be best telling his side, but I don't see from your story him seeming like the typical LBS. Just curious if he did a lot of begging and pleading. any typical things LBS do in the beginning which are against the 37 rules per say. If not, do you think his reactions sped up your recovery?
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Are you looking for a response regarding your W Netflix viewings? Or where her head is currently?
I don't know man. It's only been 1 and 1\2 months since physical separation, but it feels like a life time. I just want to see some progress, and think I'm just trying to watch the grass grow per say (Which is impossible) and driving myself crazy, if you get what I mean by that. There's been absolutely no contact except in regards to the kids, and that's been very limited. I've got the kids the next 4 days, and she is going to see her brother 4 states away. My head is spinning on that to be honest. I want to ask if someone is going with her, but at this point it actually is none of my business.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Jb9140, There are others of us out here that are going thru the same thing. Its very hard to take all of this in and only been 1 1/2 months, which probably feels like a million years. Stay strong and keep working on PMA's. It tough, trust in higher power and lean on your support system.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Jb, it feels like an eternity because you have her in your head. If you are alone, be alone. You will leave this earth alone. First be alone and happy before you can be happy with someone else.
If you went to a speed dating event, would you get any numbers in your current state? Build that self-confidence. It's called self-confidence and not wayward-wife-confidence.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Thanks. I guess I'm actually pissed also because I found out from a friend That her Instagram account which has always been called evalkristiedoll misspelled on purpose is now called give up on the dream (insert my wife's name). I'm sure so people will ask her whats wrong, and she can spin her story about how bad a person I am bla bla bla..... she loves getting attention.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
So I got a email today for how much summer school for the boys is going to be. It a lot. We splits kids expenses 50\50.
Today my 7 year old said mommy doesn't have a lot of food like you. I told him she probably does she just has a smaller pantry. He then said no, she said she doesn't have a lot of money.
Why is she telling our 7 year old theses things, and more importantly why do I have a strong urge to call her and ask if she needs some help financially.
I'm beginning to truly see I am a mr nice guy and want to fix everything
I want off this roller coaster.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
