Hi Blu, I am glad that you were able to get out the dark times. I have a different perspective on this issue. I am a recovering Nice Guy facing a WAW situation. After, two years of lashing out at me, and failed therapy, I got the ILUBINILWY talk. During that time I pursued just like you did to your husband, which just pushed my W away. I'm in the process of fixing my Nice Guy tendencies, and trying to save my marriage and our family with two kids.
I won't hijack your thread, but I'm willing to be a resource to you if you want insight into the Nice Guy issue.(Although I've never had an EA or PA).
Hearing about your lack of ability to detach makes me feel like less of a failure, I am really struggling with it every day.
I never had an opportunity to beg or plead. When W was hinting about separating, I sat and listened and validated... I think only because I didn't think she would ever actually leave. This was long before I knew anything about this site, my reactions were apparently just luck. But she filed an OFP, preventing me from pursuing, which was probably good because I probably would have pursued hard, without even thinking about IF I even wanted her back.
It is sad that your H returned, and you are having trouble letting go of the hurt. I don't blame you, and I have wondered all along if that is exactly where I would end up if my W ever came back, that I would be so bitter and broken I wouldn't be able to stand the site of her anymore. That I would never ever be able to let it go, that I would never forgive. That I would subconsciously want an apology every single day, maybe forever. That I would want to control and track her, forever. Doesn't sound like a nice way to live, for either of us. Hearing you say that reinforces my feelings of not wanting her back... Maybe that's just me.
Blu I've been thinking about something you mentioned at an earlier post. Regarding working on the relationship instead of working on yourself (sorry I don't remember which post it was). I'm guilty of this too, so I'm trying to work out why I do that. I think it is a short cut isn't it? I will try to concentrate more on me, everyone's advice here has been this from the beginning. Do you feel like you are doing more of that now?
How is the MC going?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
That I would want to control and track her, forever. Doesn't sound like a nice way to live, for either of us. Hearing you say that reinforces my feelings of not wanting her back... Maybe that's just me.
OFP, i'm with you. I ask myself why would I want such a broken person back. Am I not just continuing the fix-it mentality and trying to make them better. Ideally, they need to make themselves better don't they? It's like being in rehab with your addictive partner, can't be much fun and life is short already.
I believe that if you're always looking behind you, then you're never going to look forward. I think they're stuck in the past and we LBSs need to look to the future.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Blu- Sad but true: "As the LBS, we have to accept that we cannot force them to open their eyes." I'm having a hard time detaching as H and I are at home and spend decent time together, even if going through the motions. Think I'm stuck w/ mindset that's what he wants and when I do detach it may be obvious.
Know busy but If get a chance, I have some questions I listed on the top of my fourth page. your feedback would be real helpful. Thank you.
Been MIA for a couple days--working a lot this week and kiddos' activities every evening. In a way that has been good because I haven't had too much time to be anxious about going back to MC today. So yeah, that's happening. I think the break from it was good because I am going to approach it looking for concrete advice. Not sure I have the mental stamina to keep going through the hard stuff right now. I am honestly more motivated to find a new activity for myself--so much of my energy goes towards my kids when I am not at work--and I feel like I need a new beginning.
Phoebe, yes, hindsight is 20/20. I can trace back many years and see things with a new found clarity. I can't be hard on myself for it now tho because I was in a different place back then. ... One thing we have talked about is H's hardships growing up with his mom, and I think some of his hurt and anger were displaced on to me. I am the woman of the house, the mom, the decision maker, and he very much molded to me. I knew that all along, but I didn't know that it was painful for him and that he grew to resent me.
I am starting to agree that reopening old wounds isn't progress. I think I am finally ready to accept what happened in the past and work on moving forward. It is very easy to fall into old patterns and I am catching myself doing that. One way that I want to move forward is to treat the MC more like an agreement so we can work on specific behavioral changes. When we repeat the same patterns it is hard to move forward and it is also a trigger for both of us. For me, I just need a new hobby and activity; something I haven't done before.
Unbowed, thank you for checking in. I will look at your thread. We cannot mention other book titles here, but I think we are on the same page. This was a huge eye opener for H and me. He has read it more than once. It also helped me understand and appreciate his struggles, which I was blind to for many years. I will say, he has done a good job of making personal changes. He definitely tells me when he doesn't like something or agree with me and he holds firm on it. This has proven challenging during piecing, as he was the cause of a lot of destruction, but as I come to accept what happened, I can appreciate that these are necessary changes for him.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
OFP, I am not caught up on your sitch. So your W filed an injunction? I didn't realize she could do that without more evidence of potential harm? Not using any correct legal terms here, sorry folks. ... But I am glad you were not able to pursue her, harass her, etc, as that would have only made things worse.
OFP & DDJ, you guys are correct. You do not want a broken person back! No one does! When our spouses pull the rug out from under us, we are hurt, fearful, and desperate. We talk a lot about how they are in a fog & not thinking clearly. But we are also in a fog; we see our life slipping away in front of us and we just want to hang on tighter! ... If we were thinking clearly, we would not want this person that is rejecting us and hurting us.
We want someone that we can trust, someone that respects us, and we want a person that loves us the way we love them. They are not this person when they are having an A or walking out on us. However, we have seen this person change. We feel that we are changing, and often breaking apart. So that is why the most important thing we can do is to focus on ourselves and LET THEM GO. ... This is also a way to regain our self respect and tell them we will not stand for mistreatment, we are not your plan B, and we value ourselves more than that. ... If we can achieve that goal, we can be happier and stronger people, and that--THAT--is what attracts people to us. And over time, these actions are what may attract them back to us.
That is not to say that we don't ever want them back. I don't think many of you can even know that right now. It depends on what they learn on their journey and who they present to you if and when they do come back. When my H came back to me he was weak, vulnerable, and broken. However, he was remorseful, transparent, and patient. He was willing to do the hard work and do whatever it took to make it work, and he did this while knowing I could give up at any moment. You see while he was gone that year, I had no way of knowing if he would ever come back and what it would look like if he did. All I knew is that my future was uncertain.
Esame, we are all guilty of this! It is the hardest thing to do. That is why you keep reading again and again that DB is for you and it is a way of life. Yes, I am still working on this every day, even with H by myside.
Jz, check out your thread. Sorry for all the 2*4s. Like I said, I am all about the tough love!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
CRW, he never filed and he didn't threaten it much. He did in the beginning--it seemed more to justify his A tho. "Well I said I wanted a D." But he did nothing. There were several times I asked him what he was planning because I didn't want to live in limbo, and I got the same script as before. No actions.
He says now he wasn't sure of himself, felt terrible, and didn't want to give me false hopes. He said he didn't think I could ever truly forgive him and that I only thought I wanted him back because I was hurt. He knew in his heart he never worked on the M.
I don't know if folks that file for D early on are more likely to D, but I imagine there are lots of components that affects why one does it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Well, I'm at just about 5 months now (I can hardly believe it's been that long already, thought sometimes it also feels like an eternity), and still no word about a D being initiated by H. I know that I'm not going to do so anytime soon, either.
I'm too busy getting on with my life, and I can't do that if I'm thinking about him all day long. If I got involved in the D process, it would take over my life. I'm just not ready for that, now that I feel like I am finally keeping my head above water.
I'm using this gift of time to get myself to a better place, one where I am better equipped to handle whatever comes my way.
When I think about how fragile I was just a few weeks ago, it seems like that was another person. Of course, if I get served, I might just crash again. I'll face that if and when it becomes reality. Until that point, I'm rolling with good days whenever they come my way.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
