I completely understand panic mode! lol You didn't know any better. Everything your gut told you was to fight for marriage no matter what. Beg, plead, do all the things you think she would want to hear. Problem is that is exactly what she doesn't want to hear I did all the same things right away the first time around. This time I even flat out told her, if you want to dissolve the marriage I will not beg or plead. It won't be like last time. So immediately there wasn't this cat and mouse game. She knows where I stand. Yes, she knows I want to work on marriage and that I would like it to work out. But I will not lose my self respect in order to do so Always keep that in mind!! Respect yourself. DO NOT BE A DOOR MAT
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I don't want to rush anything, and I don't want to 'make anything easy on her' to push for the D, but should this be a proactive move on my part, or wait until she requests that I do such tasks? If I make the move, it puts her it out there that, "okay, I'm ready to move forward, lets go", and (per coaching), will probably force her into some deep thinking about the decision and how "real" things are about to get.
betterm,
Knowing what I know now, I'd go with the coach's recommendation to help her toward her goal. That doesn't mean that you have to file for divorce, but you can be supportive of her moving out and filing.
I eventually (waited far too long) realized that all of my delaying tactics were seen by my wife as pursuing. So, even though she was already preparing to move out, I gave her a gentle push out the door earlier than she'd planned. She later told me that I essentially said, "get the f*ck out." I never said that and I didn't think I sounded like that, but that's how it was perceived. Anyway, as of now, I think that was the right thing to do.
The faster you help your wife toward her goals the faster she'll begin to realize her fantasy world doesn't reconcile with reality.
Knowing what I know now, I'd go with the coach's recommendation to help her toward her goal. That doesn't mean that you have to file for divorce, but you can be supportive of her moving out and filing.
The faster you help your wife toward her goals the faster she'll begin to realize her fantasy world doesn't reconcile with reality.
I'm not going to say coach A is more helpful than coach B, but one is very soft and subtle, and the other resouce coach is very much as you put it above. "She asked for it, she shall receive, right NOW!" mentality. Knowing my W and her own issues, the hand-stance seems like the way to go, but I'm still teetering between the two a bit.
I understand; amidst all of the advice, it's difficult to know what's best. And, in reality, it may not matter much; both paths may ultimately lead to the same result.
I wish I could give you something more definitive, but you probably already know which coach's advice you prefer. Let that be your guide.
Hey, Betterm. My thread is on MLS. I've been around since October, since my H moved out. If you look back that far, you can see panic mode from me. It's interesting to watch other'side transform on the boards here. That ability to watch our growth in itself is a lifesaver.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hmm, a change already... We both agreed yesterday I'd stay at the house. Today, two texts from her regarding her name being on the house/mortgage (it's not), and second one saying 'remind me again why I wasn't on there?" It's because we could only get the approval with me...
I didn't respond for an hour or so and in came the third one... 'I'm not going to move out yet, Things are too crazy right now and things seem rushed. We need to still alternate nights at the house. That Ok?"
Well, No it's not, I haven't responded yet, and she gets off work in about 20 minutes and doesn't expect I'd been working from home today. It'll be a surprise for her to see my car here, but I'm still conflicted about how to respond to her.
I want to say, "I get that this is hard and seems rushed, but under the circimstances, I will be staying here every night. I will not be in your way if you choose to be here too. But I am not okay with alternating nights anymore"... thoughts?
