I think you handled things well. Keep it up. She needs to feel the reality of the separation and how difficult things will be without you.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Sounds like it went well (there is no "perfect" in emotionally tied situations).
Keep up the quiet strength through this. It seems really selfish sometimes to actually practice the "focus on you" part of DBing. We have been in a relationship where you are supposed to be half of a whole...giving up some of your wants and needs and being unselfish. Its a hard transition and guilt adds to the already present pain. But it is necessary to get through this...one way or another.
In my case, 26 years of being selfless (but still "wanting" while losing sight of what was wanted) created a co-dependence that I'm still trying to break. My H felt the unhappiness that I didn't even recognize in myself and misinterpreted it as me not liking him or him being the cause. It slowly killed his feelings for me. You are ahead of the game there, actually. Focus on you. Allow yourself to think of what you want and need and how to get it. Picture it during quiet times. Don't picture S. Just you. She will sense that shift when she sees you.
I have found that the best responses I get from H are when I don't call or text (unfortunately we are dealing with the sale of our house so I'm sometimes forced to) and then I get surprise calls from him. But when I call, especially on work days, I do not get a good response. It is seen as pursuit or pressure. So, yeah. DB methods? They make sense, just not to our emotional minds.
Good on you for not immediately texting when you got home. Give her time to digest your meeting. Put some distance in your contact. Try not to allow your emotions to take over your progress. Follow the 37 "rules" or guidlines. You can do this.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yeah, It was hard NOT to text because I truly do feel empathy for what she's going through. And I feel like there is more to her decision than what she's come forward to me with. (she still hasn't admitted to the EA from about 6-7 weeks ago - which I believe has now been stopped on her behalf - he still texts, she never responds - phone bill records show). On top of "us", her grandfather passed away recently, and he was the rock that held that side of the family together. Her aunt was just hospitalized last week, and her dad is losing his job soon... there is just a lot going on with her and I really do just want to be there for her if she needs anything... but it's back and forth. emotions vs mentalities battle all day long.
Just curious, I love the info on DB, and I'm also using a second coach for a 'second opinion'... she the 'hard-baller'... but i was wondering if anyone has ever tried these online programs about saving marriage before? Are they junk/scam? I don't know much about... but for only $50, i was thinking about buying to see what they were really all about.
Any thoughts?
Seems like recompiled articles that are scattered all over the web, but anyone found these useful in the past?
I have bought the ... Good information on there. My take is that these type of tools would be used when you are in the piecing stage and both S's are willing to set goals as a couple. IMHO.
Last edited by Cristy; 06/22/1602:59 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
DBing is for you!!! Not to so save your marriage. I've been following your thread and you are making this completely about your marriage and W. DBing is about becoming the best you and detaching so that regardless of what happens you will be ok Yes. It will hopefully give you a chance to save your marriage, but that is not what it's designed to do Trust me I know that is a lot easier said then done. My first stint here I was floundering like crazy. Pursuing, complimented, all the above. It wasn't to I was able to really detach that my situation changed. This time around I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm way ahead of the curb because I know what works and what doesn't Just focus on being the best you right now! You CAN NOT control what she thinks or does You're happiness doesn't come from her. It comes from you!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Are they junk/scam? I don't know much about Lee Baucom or Amy Waterman, but for only $50, i was thinking about buying to see what they were really all about.
betterm,
I don't think they're a scam, but I think most of them aren't worth the price they're charging.
DBing is for you!!! Not to so save your marriage. I've been following your thread and you are making this completely about your marriage and W.
Thanks for the advice, and I know I'm guilty of starting this process with the M in mind, but I'm slowly shifting my train of thought to focus on me, and let the M either work itself out, or let it be known she's the fool for leaving someone who is such an awesome kick-@ss guy! haha.
Honestly, when the bomb dropped, I was in panic mode, crisis mode, and all I could think about was what I could do to save the marriage. But with the help of coaches, counselors, the community (you all), I'm realizing this isn't really about saving a M, but becoming the best you can be. A lot of us get tied up with the everyday annoyances and lose ourselves in the process. I'm currently working on finding my true authenticity of who I was, who I am, and making slight shifts from what flaws I can find so that I can be the best authentic version of myself. Thank you.
Sounds like it went well (there is no "perfect" in emotionally tied situations).
Good on you for not immediately texting when you got home. Give her time to digest your meeting. Put some distance in your contact. Try not to allow your emotions to take over your progress. Follow the 37 "rules" or guidlines. You can do this.
My next things to consider, now that she's accepted to her "moving out" (even if house wasn't in my name, it only makes sense due to animal care, house care, etc, that I be the one to stay there), When, or how long to wait, before I start transferring "billing responsibilities" of things that are "hers" out of my name. ie, her cell phone is under my name, but not my plan (work pays for mine). Once I go to AT&T i can say she has 7 days or something to accept billing responsibilities before the line is terminated. I don't want to rush anything, and I don't want to 'make anything easy on her' to push for the D, but should this be a proactive move on my part, or wait until she requests that I do such tasks? If I make the move, it puts her it out there that, "okay, I'm ready to move forward, lets go", and (per coaching), will probably force her into some deep thinking about the decision and how "real" things are about to get.
She is losing 85% of her income, She is losing the house, the animals, etc etc. Should I let her come to terms on that stuff on her own, or do I take the initiative and say, okay, here ya go!
