I'm so sorry about everything, but I'm glad the house sale is moving along and you were able to meet the people who purchased it. I'm also sorry that you had to make a decision on some of the pieces in the home. It's always so difficult when you are hit w/those type of requests because they weren't something you had thought about previously...but know this...they will love and take care of your former home.
Home is where the heart is and no matter where you go, home will always be there waiting for you.
As for what your h thinks about...he does think a lot about the conversations, the relationship, the good and bad times quite often, especially when he's alone. He may appear not to care or even listen, but really he does.
I do hope today is a better day for you. Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you. I look so forward to your comments on my posts. And on everyone else's as well. These boards are my go to when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm still nurturing my new friendships and, as most of us on these boards have found, I've lost the one person I thought I could share anything with and be understood (and advised).
I'm getting "ok" with the idea that I will be moving out of my home. It is just a house. I'm already looking to buy a much smaller house and have narrowed my search to a few neighborhoods in my city. But now here's where I'm starting to feel overwhelmed when I stop to think.
I have to be out of the house in a little over a month. I will be starting school a little after that (online, luckily). I have very little money, a tiny paycheck, and I won't have the money from the house sale until it closes. We are not D yet, but our mediation is scheduled for the month after the house closes. So basically, I don't qualify for a loan on my own and everything is happening all at once (or within a few weeks of each other).
My thought right now is to explain to H my situation when he gets back from visiting his family and try to put everything in storage and live at our vacation home for a little bit. I can leave and "couch surf" at my older daughter's and a friend's house during the weekends that people I don't enjoy (Bubbles) are there. But I think I can be in a house fairly quickly (within a month).
My lawyer wants to put in our D papers that H has to co-sign on a loan, and that I need spousal maintenance. That would make it easier to get a house. But we don't have mediation for awhile, so...not so helpful? Trying to move that up. I really feel that I'm going to end up tied to H. Not through M like I would have liked, but through D. How hard will that make it to move on? Not that I want that, but that I need to try. But I feel that him being responsible for me as a co-signer, plus giving me the proceeds from the house, plus money to live on is almost still like being married without the benefits. And he was trying to escape from that.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hi Ciluzen, sorry I've been absent for a week or so. I wish I had something amazing to say in response to your posts, like you do with mine and other peoples. I've just been catching up and your posts to me are incredible and so helpful, thank you! Your post about the house and R talk with H made me cry. It is all so painful. I think Job is right, that they do think about what we say/do just as much as we are analysing what they say/do. They are just a million miles ahead of us at this 'game' and are so much better at hiding it and detaching. I'm not sure we will ever catch them up, but hopefully we can get to places where the pain stops for us. I think that being tied to our Hs forever is the most painful thing about all of this. Even if you didn't need any kind of financial support from H we all remain tied through our kids, grandkids etc. My kids are a long way off getting married etc but thinking about their wedding days, or the birth of any grandchildren and H and I not being together for them cuts my heart into pieces. (((((((Ciluzen)))))))
Gray divorces are very dangerous for women, unless you have been consistently working and accruing retirement. Have you? Women have less earning power than men and the older we get, the bigger the gap seems to be. If someone is essentially starting a career in their 50s, the outlook for retirement may be dire.
There is absolutely no shame in spousal support, especially if one partner made sacrifices for the other's career (and that includes something as simple as staying home with the children.) If your H doesn't know that he will be paying spousal after a 25 yr+ marriage, his head is sticking in the ground.
One alternative to spousal support is for you to receive a disproportionate share of assets (ie the house sale, retirement benefits, investment accounts, even the business.) You can also force the sale (or for him to buy you out) of the retirement home. Please don't risk your financial future because of any feelings you have for him.
Is renting, in the short term, a possibility to avoid the whole co-signing situation. Or borrowing from family in the interim. One friend of mine had her parents "re-finance" her house while the divorce was in process and then once everything was settled, she re-financed herself.
Going back to lurking now -- but just wanted to assure that there is nothing wrong with spousal support.
Hey, IP. So happy to hear from you! I miss you when you disappear.
I'm trying very hard not to worry so much about the future, and I'm not living so much in the past as being forced to deal with memories as I pack up the house. The fear and sadness seems to come in waves more now. I have sort of slowed down on frantically running from one activity to another as I've been getting more comfortable with alone time. In fact, this weekend, since H was away and visiting family (I was a bit jealous as my mother is 15 minutes away from his parents) I gave myself permission to not do anything house related. He was taking a break from the tiny bit he has helped, I think I deserved a vacation from the enormity of what I've been saddled with.
I did drive around neighborhoods I was interested in to get a better feel for them at one point. I ended that up by spending time with my D23 at an ER (she convinced herself that she had a major medical problem but it turned out to be a tension headache). Had good talks with her. She's very much like her dad and holds things in. Deep thinkers. But, just like him, when tired and sick, is unable to keep the mask on and can finally open up about feelings and fears and thoughts. We had a good, eye opening (for me) talk.
I read, I exercised, I watched "The Martian" and "The Big Short" (great movies!), I painted D23's (late) birthday picture, and just hung out and enjoyed my beautiful home. It was a nice GAL weekend, but relaxing.
Sunday I got an unexpected call from H. He was in the orchard at his parents house walking around by himself. He called to check in and see how the home inspection went (no word) and to say he heard about D23's ER visit. We discussed her quite a bit, mostly me validating his opinions. He actually thanked me for agreeing with him on a few points. He apologized for not being there to help (again)and (again) I validated his feelings about that.
He wanted me to know about missing his flight on the way down and how he hit a very low point when that happened; how he felt that he had let everyone down that were helping him to get to where he needed to be by not leaving time to get to through the airport. My D25 had already told me that he said to her "I thought of mom always wanting to get to the airport early, just in case, and how often I got irritated with her because I didn't like being in the airport so long. And then something went wrong and I missed my flight." He didn't share that with me, but instead shared how he realized that by trying to avoid being in the airport for long, he ended up having to wait for another flight, and then, instead of the original direct flight, he had a layover. More airport waiting. I commiserated, listened, and validated. Its becoming a habit now.
He also has talked a lot about a lecturer/teacher/doctor that I follow. He used to discount and make fun of me for getting excited about her, but he spent a lot of time talking about her. He seems to want me to know he's following her advice and respects her wisdom, now. Hunh.
Anyway, my takeaways from the weekend:
1) I'm being bombarded with advice from everyone on what I should do. My inner voice says "slow down"! I'm thinking of trying to just live in an apartment for a bit near work and school. I may not get in right away, but I may just see if I can live at the vacation home for a week or two. No hurry. Not D yet. Its still partially mine. But buying a house in a hurry is not a wise decision (for me).
2)I've got a lot to do...lots of changes in my life. I think just accepting that is half the battle. I don't need to hurry into decisions, though. I just need to take steps into the directions I know I want to head, take a few steps off of the bank and into the river, but not be so afraid of the pull of the current. As long as I can keep my footing and my eyes open, I can follow the pull a bit. See where it leads. I'm excited about starting school. I also need to find a gallery to sell my art.
3)I can talk to H without pursuing. He does "check in" periodically. I can be his friend. I'd like to be more, but I can't while he is this unsure, childlike, ball of emotions. It is very obvious, now, that he is thinking and dealing with his "stuff". I'll let him. When he wants his friend to talk to (me) I will be his "home". I realize that turning to his parents is not going to be as beneficial to him, and that that is a part of his crisis...he was too dependent on them anyway, even as an adult. Still looking for their approval in everything and afraid of upsetting them if he failed. He is figuring things out.
Back to me. Focus on me.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Gray divorces are very dangerous for women, unless you have been consistently working and accruing retirement. Have you? Women have less earning power than men and the older we get, the bigger the gap seems to be. If someone is essentially starting a career in their 50s, the outlook for retirement may be dire.
There is absolutely no shame in spousal support, especially if one partner made sacrifices for the other's career (and that includes something as simple as staying home with the children.) If your H doesn't know that he will be paying spousal after a 25 yr+ marriage, his head is sticking in the ground.
One alternative to spousal support is for you to receive a disproportionate share of assets (ie the house sale, retirement benefits, investment accounts, even the business.) You can also force the sale (or for him to buy you out) of the retirement home. Please don't risk your financial future because of any feelings you have for him.
Is renting, in the short term, a possibility to avoid the whole co-signing situation. Or borrowing from family in the interim. One friend of mine had her parents "re-finance" her house while the divorce was in process and then once everything was settled, she re-financed herself.
Going back to lurking now -- but just wanted to assure that there is nothing wrong with spousal support.
Hello amwknsw. No, I was a SAHM for about 20 years. When my youngest was a senior in high school, I got a job that I love, but it does not pay well. I really only got the job to be busy and contribute a bit to the bills. It does have good benefits, though.
Even last spring, my H and I were discussing retirement and when we would downsize and where. I was completely surprised when he told me we were done a month later. I wish he would have done this when I was 35, not 49. Actually, I just wish he wouldn't have done it at all.
H thinks he is being very kind by giving me the equity in the house. He believes I can just run out and by myself a house and still have a "nest egg" with that. Although it is a good sized amount, it isn't enough to last long. I plan to go back to school for a Masters in MFT, an expensive program, as a full time student...I won't be able to keep my job or work for those two years. But its a career that can go for quite a few years, as well. Yes, I will need maintenance. Our marriage lasted almost 26 years. I will fight for that.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
So, I awoke last night from a fitful sleep full of dreams.
I had been out looking at apartments and also possible houses with my realtor all day. It was depressing. Our sellers market is driving people to pick up rentals due to lack of houses for sale. There are almost no rental houses and very few apartments. Crazy!
My realtor mentioned she had not heard from H about the inspection report and that we needed to respond by today, so I had texted him that morning to tell him she had emailed it (he seldom checks his email). He hadn't responded. So, after fighting myself all day, I called him. It was a workday, I knew he would be grumpy and tired, and...he was. He took my apology asking him to do something as sarcasm, when I actually was apologizing because I knew he would be tired after his second day back at work after a very late flight. He was so brittle and cold that I cried after getting off of the phone. So much for detaching and being non-reactive.
Anyway, I dreamed about confronting Bubbles. It was tense but went well and I took from that the message that I need to let go. I've already cut her out of my life.
I dreamed about living in an apartment complex I haven't previewed yet, its still under construction. I felt really good about it. I've decided to cancel my appointment with my realtor today (I should not be buying right now) and try to see the apartment tomorrow. I really think this was my subconscious telling me which direction to go. I've been having trouble figuring that out, the whole "what I want" thing. For once I have no input from H.
Its funny, that was one of the things that set me off last night. I told him we needed to talk about things before mediation, spousal support being one. I told him I wouldn't pay for a house outright and that I might rent an apartment right now, anyway. That I might need him as a co-signer, ether way. He immediately took that as me asking him to decide what to do for me and got really upset and agitated...said if I wanted advice or opinions he'd give it, but he wasn't making decisions for me. Very upset. I had to explain that I was making my own decision, that I wasn't even asking for advice or input from him, but letting him know that I might need a co-signer as my income was too small to get me anything alone and since we have no D yet, nothing to say what it will be in writing. He agreed to do that by saying, "ok, co-signing doesn't scare me. I'm not afraid to co-sign." I feel that was a very telling choice of words paired with that reaction.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm glad you have decided to rent a place for a bit. You don't know what the future will hold and until the divorce is final and your home sold, you have no idea what you will be getting in the way of funds from either one these areas.
Have you tried to look at homes via the internet? Sometimes you'll find some really goods ones and then you can contact the realtor to check them out.
Please do not take his grumpy self personally. He was just back into the office from being away and I imagine he had a lot of catching up to do. He certainly is a bit touchy and was misinterpreting several things that you had mentioned, i.e., the rental versus purchasing and needing a co-signer. I would take his attitude w/a grain of salt and continue moving forward. I think you handled the conversation very well.
Good luck in finding a place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hmmm...I notice that your H back pedals just like mine whenever he is 'pinned down' (in his over-sensitive, over-reactive mind). That conversation about co-signing was a perfect opportunity for him to be clear about things and he gives a 'sitting on the fence' answer. I think Job's advice is spot on. I keep having detaching set backs too where H will do or say something and there I am in tears. Hadn't cried about it all in weeks until something small was said at the weekend and there I was again! This whole thing is two steps forward one step back. I guess we'll get there in the end!
It seems sensible to rent at the moment. As you say, there is no rush. I think are struggling to decide what we want in our situations because the whole situation is not what we want. We didn't want to be in the position of deciding where we will live etc, we thought we had all that sorted - for life!
You are so very strong and focused Ciluzen, you amaze me! hugs! IP
