I have to admit, it feels kind of nice not having to worry about the STBXW like I did in the MR. Always trying to please her and do nice things for her, initiating conversations and asking her about her. It's actually kind of peaceful.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Sounds like you're doing a great job with lovingly detaching. Way to Go, Ralph!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I have to admit, it feels kind of nice not having to worry about the STBXW like I did in the MR. Always trying to please her and do nice things for her, initiating conversations and asking her about her. It's actually kind of peaceful.
Ralph88,
I got a taste of that this past week. I really didn't expect to feel relieved after my wife moved out, but I did. I felt like I could finally get things done around the house because I didn't have to get approval or deal with disapproval. I hate to say it, but it felt so good that it was almost disconcerting.
I think you're doing very well. Don't beat yourself up about noticing other women. You're detaching. You're moving on. That's natural. You're not the one who wanted to nuke the marriage, your WW did that. Next time you exchange smiles with this woman, exchange pleasantries too. A time or two after that, ask her to lunch. Lunch is a much less "serious" date. It's like it's a date, but it isn't. You're detaching/moving on, remember? Don't just say it. Do it.
Ralph, I need your advice pls. I trust darknes, dream and sandi - they have held my hand through this process. Darknes, says hang in there and look past the cheating and my feelings will change. I get that. I need patience. But how does one look past a serial cheater? Dream says to focus on myself, i'm trying to do that but its difficult when i have no work to do and my mind races whole day, until i get home. Sandi says that i must drop the rope and not accept the wayward behaviour and if WW does not want to go then I must.
These are all really the same thing - detachment. But where ad when do i draw the line and say that I have had enough? That I don't want her back - after all of the above?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I agree with all. Rug sweeping equals no good. No know, because I allowed it to happen, and took most of the responsibility for how we got there. Yes, previous to that first (that I knew of), I had not done the hard work to be the man I should have been in the marriage. But after that rug sweep, she was never remorseful and didn't really put any work in to fix her, to establish her own boundaries, or work on our marriage. So we come to this latest set of events.
Now, I'm pressing on with my life. I truly feel I did a pretty good job as a husband, not perfect. But her issues have been reoccurring, I won't go into details, but when it gets hard, she runs, into someone else. I can't fix her, nor be anything for her, in this state. She has to figure it out on her own. If you would have asked me any other time in the last 5 months to 10 years if I would work hard and make it work, I would say absolutely. At this point, I truly don't know, even is she did the hard work and fixed herself, established boundaries for herself, was dedicated 100% to our M and family, and I truly believed it. Is that hard to say, yes, but like TXhubby said, I won't be plan b, I won't be disrespected like that, I won't place by balls in someone's purse, I won't make excuses for someone else, and I don't need a partner, but know if one is meant for me, she won't violate those things I mentioned.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
If the fog just started, only God will know how long it will take to clear. I don't want to make things work with someone that does not respect me, nor herself. But i will not push the envelope either.
It is clear that she has cheated, no-one comes home at 10am, 6am and 2am when they're actually married. She actually stated this last week saturday when she stayed at home, only hit me the other day, she said "if i keep going out, then all i'm going to do is cheat and cheat and cheat". As always, i was not listening. DAMN.
I need to use my head here and save myself.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Nope it's not a good thing. My eyes are opening slowly. Trying to save myself. It's either me or her and I choose me everytime.
Awesome. Your eyes are opening and you are waking up. I know I'm a broken record but we all need to hear certain things over and over. Remember, when you find your strength is when they lose theirs.
