infidelity/WAH, my story

[PsySara]

Vanilla,
Right now I am not addressing any relationship issues as I am still doing 180 and have been advised not to start topics. I was always the one to aggressively address ways to rebuild trust and it resulted in H pulling away. Granted, my method was poor and laced with anger. For now I am focusing on myself and repairing my wounds. However, if H comes around and decides to re-engage in building a new marriage these will be things I will address. I have spoken to him about poor boundaries before and it resulted in him being defensive and then shutting down. Since he is a WAS/WH I am pulling back at this point, doing the 180 and if he decides to re-engage into our marriage then we'll start the hard work together.

I just came back from my IC (previously our MC) and we went over some stuff. I admitted that I am starting to struggle with idea that I may not be able to forgive him for the infidelity. I feel like if he had been remorseful from the very beginning, done EVERYTHING eagerly and desperately then forgiveness was unquestionable. But he still clung to the fantasy of the OW for months, even broke NC to talk with her right before I had my baby and then afterward told me he was just done with me. Here we are...broken marriage and I am working my butt off to repair it. I am remembering the feeling of being thrown away and while he showed regret, he never really showed true remorse in my book.

Sigh...I don't know.

[PsySara]

I'm spinning pretty bad today. It started yesterday when I tried to picture loving my H with the same intensity and loyalty before he had the affair and was really struggling. It's been months now since the affair and I have yet to see true, consistent remorse. The few times he said sorry it was with a flat voice and really no emotion on his face. Mostly he would become defensive and angry when I told him what I needed. I told him in October that I needed him to read "How to help my spouse heal from your affair" and it took 6 months for him to do it after I screamed, ranted and raved about it. Even then he said nothing about the book and did none of the recommended things to heal me. Instead he broke NC with OW in January and even said he wanted to rekindle their relationship.This right before I gave birth. I feel sick.

I still see a lot of his selfish behavior. One of the most consistent things I have told him I need for our marriage to begin healing was for him to move back home permanently and leave the job he is at. I feel his living away from home every other week led to his ability to cheat. His mind was in a "single" mode when he was there. Today he mentioned that he may stay at that job one week a month and then come home three weeks a month to where I am moving. I stayed silent because in my mind I was thinking, "No, you won't because I will not stayed married to such a remorseless person." Why can't he realize that he is still acting from what he wants and not what our marriage needs to heal and rebuild? I can't start any R conversations and have been careful not to pursue, which in this case would be discussing him in my future. I am so frustrated because this Sunday he returns to his job for 3 weeks straight. How am I supposed to make any progress or plan anything in the future if I am uncertain about our marriage? I CANNOT reconcile with a remorseless H. Why am I the one trying so hard, reading these books, paying money for IC, DB coaching, and considering intensive with Michelle? Why isn't he?

On the positive side he is being more involved with the kids and helping out when he is home.

[rich4j]

Becuz SadSara you love your H and are doing all the heavy lifting for him

I have been trolling on your thread and agree with you about reconciliation. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you quit /change your job to save your marriage? Of course. Would you show remorse and invest what you needed to fix it ? yes. Now it's hard becuz he is/was involved in the OW which has clouded his thoughts on what he wants....

If he can't get their himself and come to you with I am going to do the following to R with you, there has to be a timeline you have in mind?

[PsySara]

I have decided to give us until December of this year before deciding if I need to throw in the towel. This isn't really an arbitrary time as I need to live in my new state for 6 months before legally being able to file for divorce. I am trying to leave no stone unturned before making such a permanent choice. That way, if it comes to D, I can look my children in the eyes and say with all honesty, "I tried every single thing to save our marriage."

[PsySara]

Today is a better day, I had a coaching session and the coach said I was doing well with the 180 and working towards my goal. I sort of fumbled the ball last night. I came home after talking on the phone with my best friend and was upset because she has just been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I told this friend that if she finds herself unemployed and homeless that she can move into my place when I move. When I told H this was the convo:

H: Don't you think this was something you should have cleared with me first? You offered to move her into our home without checking me first?

Me: long silent pause "I have been trying to give you time but there is the question of whether or not you will be living with me in the future. You have been giving mixed signals, saying you're going to stay working where you're at (I told him previously this was not an option inclusive to our marriage staying intact) and then talk about buying a house together. As it is right now my name is on the lease and your's is there as a person living there but not part of the lease"

H:We're not going to talk about this, this conversation is going no where

He walks out of the room and I follow:

Me: Do you understand what I am saying? I don't know how to plan for "our" future because you are not clear about being in that future.

He basically shut down and I silently cursed myself for even broaching that conversation but I am finding it hard not to address the HUGE elephant in the room, especially while trying to plan my financial and logistical future. Back to lovingly detaching. (grinds teeth)

[Vanilla]

OK.

Stop.

Firstly, let tomorrow take care of its self, don't know if you can love him tomorrow?

Let that take care of itself.

Secondly, stop struggling to forgive. You do not have to forgive, you can love, live and build your life without it. What is essential is to let go of resentment, the need for revenge.

He cheated, it's a biggie, ok?

So forcing forgiveness is a problem, you will feel guilty if you can't. I am here to tell you its ok, you don't need forgiveness to reconcile. You have to just act as if.

Questioning yourself? That's good too.

My view is very straightforward, when your higher power is ready to forgive it will. In many ways another has to atone and to request it by words or deeds. They can forgive themselves and that's their circus and their monkeys.

So sweetheart, stop worrying about tomorrow and let go of yesterday. It's ok to just be as you are today.

This journey is for you, detach from the outcome of forgives, if you do its ok, if you don't it can be handled.

The best laid plans etc.

Remember the decision isn't WH decision, it's yours. So if you are not with WH then move your friend in is your choice. If you are he definitely has a say.

The conversation has one of three ways of viewing

You are moving on and your friend may move in
You are expecting WH to accept your friend moving in without discussion
Your friend moving in is a suggestion to get WH to make a commitment

None of these views is good in my view

V

[PsySara]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Vanilla, it helped clarify some of my own thinking.

When H is home it has a strange effect on me. Part of me is relaxed he is here but another part is a tangled mess of nerves because my mind keeps replaying the affair stuff and the after disaster. I want so badly to ask questions and do a temp check on him but NOTHING good will come of that presently. I have to keep reminding myself to focus on me and stop thinking so much about him. I still so very raw and hurt by the affair.

He flies back to work on Sunday afternoon and will be gone for three weeks this time. I am not sure if my detaching efforts will be better or worse during that time. For now I keep reminding myself that I will begin a new stage in my life in a matter of weeks when I move and start my career in earnest.

[SH_]

Hi SadSara,

You have had quite the roller coaster ride since my last check in. You have been very strong in spite of the dips on the ride, and I commend you for that.
V shares some of the most insightful and direct advice on these boards. It is good the feedback she has provided you.

I dare not try to expand on it, as it is a beautiful thing that I would not want to smudge.

I do want to ask you what approach you might take to begin the healing of the raw and hurt that you are experiencing?

I ask this because in my journey I realized I was focused outward toward my WAW and my desire to help her as well as take on her pain, even though she kept stabbing me in the heart and opening new wounds with every outburst and action she took. The more I focused on her the more pain I felt. It was when I realized that I wanted to forgive, but could not genuinely do so, I needed to heal my pain and wounds first.
I turned my focus towards my healing process and that is where I have begun to gather strength. As I have gotten stronger, I have been able to deflect her attacks and the fought of the things that she has done to betray me seem less important in my journey.

I would like to say that I have forgiven her, but I know that will take more time, but my view of her has changed and continues to change. I believe that this evolution will lead me to the true state of forgiveness for her in time.

My point is, focus on self healing first, and the rest will begin to fall in place and align.

Knowing what you will do to heal your wounds is the place to start IMHO.

[PsySara]

what approach might I take? That's a good question. I know we are supposed to fix our internal injuries ourselves, it's part of DBing but this is something I am puzzled about. I consider this an injury that has been done to me by H. Since we are doctors I will describe it like this:

Say I had a surgery and he was the surgeon. He made a mistake which caused complications and requires extensive f/u and possibly repair procedures. So he is supposed to make multiple appointments, do tests and repair according to the damage he did. Instead I am being expected to repair this on my own and I don't have the means to do this because he has the tools. Because time is passing and this wound is still there it is causing further damage. (his unwillingness to start asking me about me, to start conversations about the affair, to ask about my feelings, to tell me how much I mean to him, to do IC, to do MC) So while I may heal on my own it will not be a complete or ideal healing. In the end there will be an extensive scar, possibly disfiguring, and I will move on without him.

Is this co-dependent? Part of me thinks it is but another part of me thinks a BS should expect the WS to WANT to fix what he broke, no?

I had a sex dream about H before waking up this morning and was very torn. We have not had sex since before d-day. I had tried to initiate the week before finding out about the affair and was rebuffed, much to my chagrin and confusion at the time. Then in December, when we were tentatively starting to reconcile we had a heavy petting session. He had to have an HIV test that week so we held off on intercourse but ended up having a big fight because he was delaying testing and he told me pointblank he did not want to have sex with me. (HIV test ended up being negative, thank God) Since then I haven't even wanted to approach him as my ego is in shambles and my confidence is shot.

So waking up this morning after having a sex dream really messed my head up. I still desire H, I want intimacy with him. I am sexually frustrated and emotionally starved for intimacy. I am actually a decent looking woman. I am 5'1, weigh 115 pounds, decent shape and have been told I am attractive by men. In my petty moments I picture having sex with some random person (like a TV character or something) and feel repulsed. In an effort to repair my destroyed self esteem I have been working out at home (just sit-ups and push-ups), wearing make up from wake-up to bed time, having my legs and other places waxed, doing my hair real nice at home. I have started feeling better about myself but also feel...unappreciated. I want some attention from a man to say how sexy I am. I am not getting that from H and part of me just wants to throw in the towel, file for divorce and find someone who will cherish me and appreciate my appearance. I want someone to have sex with. I know I don't NEED this but I do WANT to feel cherished.

Sorry for the verbal and emotional vomit but this week has been hard. I am trying to stay focused on myself and keep my goals in mind but I am not a patient person by nature.

[SH_]

Sara,

It is good that you that you can " vomit". Your emotions as you have this morning. It is a healthy part of the healing process. I have thoughts on what you share and want to more fully expand on them as I have a moment to gather them into an order that hopefully may benefit and provide some peace for you. I will be back today to do so.

But for this morning I share my support and prayers for you as well as my observations of your tremendous strength, awareness and progress each day. In spite of your pain you push forward with great vigor unlike I observe many on this forum who freeze up as they sort through it.

Keep this habit up and I see a great future for Sara, with or with out the fool. You are already closer to being the person only a fool would leave. My addition to this statement of late is not only will you be the person only a fool would leave, but you will also be the person that will attract the type of person that you truly deserve.

My prayers are with you and your family this day, do something that may bring you moments of peace. You have earned it.