Marriage Crumbling - Part 4

[James3]

I workout and run almost daily and usually in the evening. I fall asleep no problem (usually) but I wake up anywhere between 3 - 5am almost every morning and then can't get back to sleep. It's hard enough to manage your feelings and emotions when you are properly rested but it's nearly impossible when you're sleep deprived. I have a lot I want to accomplish personally over the next 4 weeks but I need sleep so that I can focus on these things during the day. I've been struggling to study for a big exam since Christmas time but it's been very difficult to stay focused. I've entered a 5k run a month from now as well. The running is the best thing for my pent up emotions - I always feel better after I run.

Anyway, it's my mind racing which is killing me day to day - it completely distracts me and has me thinking the worst of every situation with my W. I'm my own worst enemy at the moment (my W isn't doing anything to make things worse, I am). I need to focus on clearing my head, getting rest and keep studying.

Wish me luck!

[James3]

Not much to report. Went out and ran 7.5 miles (12kms) last night to try and exhaust myself but still did not get a great sleep. In fact I had more trouble getting to sleep than I usually do - was a little wired. Wasn't thinking about the W or anything related, just could not get to sleep. What do you I have to do to get a good nights sleep!

W called me on Monday to say that a couple friends of ours had called her to invite us over for dinner this coming Friday night (apparently to celebrate my birthday). She asked if I wanted to go, I said sure. I didn't ask her if she wanted to go or not but she would have said she didn't want to go if she felt that way (although she may have felt obligated). W seems to be fine socializing with our friends and me but one on one just walks around ignoring me for the most part. I have no idea what is going through her head. If she just wants time and space (which I am giving her) what's with the coldness?? All seems to come back to the MBR but that is just my assumption, she has not said anything to indicate resentment over the MBR.

How the hell do you break the ice? I don't want to pursue but this is just dragging on and on. We are due for a trip to the MC but my W was supposed to call and arrange it as she wanted to see the MC by herself first. I have not asked her about it as it feels like pursuing as well but we do need to get in and see the MC and find out where her head is at and let the MC ask the questions.

[CWOL]

James,
Go see an MD about your sleep problems. You might want to get on an AD. It helped me a lot.
Stop obsessing about the MBR. That is just the symptom. The root cause is your MR with your W. If the problems aren't there, she would join you in the MBR.

[rd500]

Hi James. The time line is very short in the scheme of this board. I've never really seen quick reconciliations and of the few I have seen its closer to a year + if not more.

MC is really pursuing and in my humble opinion can make matters worse if W is not committed to working on the M.

Just my thoughts

Take care. Rd

[James3]

CWOL,

I really don't want to go on AD's to be honest. I feel depressed some days and anxiety other days but I can usually deal with it by running and sweating it out. I don't think I would be able to function at work on AD's from what other posters have described as well. Besides, I need to deal with the reality of the situation, like it or not. I may talk to the MD about a sleep sedative though - not crazy about taking drugs but do need better sleep.

It's a good point you make and a good reminder, the problem is the MR and she would return to the MBR if things were better.

RD500,

I'll leave the MC session to my W to decide if she wants to go or not and not ask about it. My W has always been open to seeing the MC at least. I think she see's it as a means to either resolve our issues or come to the conclusion that we just aren't meant to be together.

[CWOL]

James,
I too resisted AD's for four months, but finally got them and they proved to be very helpful. They help especially for the racing thoughts and mood at night. They don't impact the reality of things but actually make you more aware of the positives of life. My thoughts had been all negative and I could not get away from thinking everything over and over again, what if's, etc. Some AD's do impact your focus, but I'm lucky I don't operate any heavy machinery (unless you count a desktop one!) Sleep sedatives may be worse for that though.
Yes, focus on yourself first, don't worry about the MBR. The bed is big enough for the two of you to sleep in, if she wants it she will come and sleep with you.
Don't put too much hope on MC. It appears a lot of WW use it as a crutch to get out of M. A friend of mine's WW used it as a "safe zone" to declare she is filing D.

[doodler]

James,

Take CWOL's advice and see a doctor about depression (i.e. get an AD). Many ADs address depression and anxiety.

[SH_]

James,

I echo CWOL and doodler on the AD. I to resisted taking them even after my MD prescribed them. Big mistake for me as they take some to kick in as well as sometimes you may need to experiment with a few different ones if they don't work.

Just speak with MD and/or psychiatrist and be open about your desired outcomes. For me I do not want to be on meds long term. They are helping me to accomplish that. I have been on a low dose and with my other efforts and clearer head, I hope to be off them soon as I get stable. I have not taken my anxiety meds for a bit and am feeling better with a low dose of AD.

Each person is different, but if you are struggling more than 2 weeks with depression/ anxiety, speak to your MD. You won't regret it and the healing can begin.

[James3]

I'll keep it in mind guys and thanks for the advice. My situation hasn't totally hit the fan....yet. No talk of divorce/separation, just not talking much in general so does cause some anxiety but I'm really turning to exercise to burn it out of me. Side benefit is I'm getting in great shape. Works for the most part, I just can't make it out to the gym or out to run every single day but most days I can. Will see how it goes.

[Ralph88]

James, in reference to your wife's treatment of you, I would say that we lbs are their enemy, and sometimes even for a few seconds at a time the realize that we are not the problem, and I think that makes them mad too. They think we have been holding them back from their happiness for years, they have no faults, and we have many many many.