Slow down. Right now, even though you are meditating, journaling,reading, etc., you are in panic mode. Its oozing out of your posts. Stop. Breathe. There is no timeline on this. I sense that you see yourself as a drowning man, grabbing at sticks and seaweed floating by, ANYTHING to grab ahold of. But you're not drowning. You are standing in the shallows. So just stop.
When you go to your meet at the coffee shop, have no expectations. Just try. And tell yourself to listen. Don't defend, beg, or rage. Don't try to control the situation in any way. Just listen. Make eye contact and be pleasant. Be polite and gentlemanly. Do not react in anyway to what she says other than validating her feelings.
Remember, you have as much time to do this "right" as you need. Don't push it. Don't push anything. Just listen. If she says you're done, agree that you understand that's what she wants. Period. And that's when your work on your marriage really starts. So don't argue. Be vague and agreeable. Don't pressure and don't ask questions.
When you leave, go scream or cry or rage in the car with the music blaring. Talk to the air. And then go "home" and start DBing and make a plan. DB the heck out of this. Work on you and leave her alone to work on her own issues. She obviously needs to. Just try.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
The thing that reduced my anxiety the most is that I became more confident. Even though life has been a lot more difficult now that my marriage is spiraling downward, I finally realized that I can handle almost anything that comes my way. It may not be comfortable, but I can work through it and move on.
That realization gave me a lot more confidence. Once I was more confident, I had less fear and less fear begets less anxiety. And a nice side-effect of confidence is that I'm much less concerned about my WW's reactions and moods, so I'm not worried about what she'll say or how she'll react. Don't get me wrong, I'm nice to my WW, but if she's less than pleasant, I don't mind telling her to leave.
What do you fear and why do you fear it? What if the worst happens and all you can do is live though the situation (i.e. you have no control); would you survive?
Likewise, Thank you both for the last few posts...
Originally Posted By: doodler
betterm, What do you fear and why do you fear it? What if the worst happens and all you can do is live though the situation (i.e. you have no control); would you survive?
This is a question that others have asked me as well, and I don't have yet to find a good answer for it. I don't fear that I cannot live alone, or handle anything that comes my way, I'm confident of those things, as many would say I have been 'surviving' alone for quite some time anyways (her too). Being overly-critical of myself, I think it's more along the lines of admitting defeat. I set out to build something, with her, for a reason. Those reasons weren't just chalk drawings on a sidewalk, but a map of how our wonderful future would play out as a team. I need to swallow that pride, and admit I've failed in what I have already failed in life, and move on with what I can actually make a difference in, and that's my future and how to better it. Whether she's around or not. It's that last part that creates the panic though. I want her there, I don't want her there, it's "FUD" at its highest level. I'm not afraid I can't live on and start something new, It's FUD that the 'something new' I'm creating, isn't going to measure up to what I saw for our future. I just need to come to terms with this, and stop FUD in its tracks, and resist over-analyzing what could be vs what could've been.
I did a lot of homework last night, and was feeling really good about the meeting with my W today. I wish I could say the same for how I woke up this morning. I'm nervous, anxious, and even though I know I need to find calmness, have yet to find it today. I'll rework cil and dood's words and hope to find inner peace with myself before the talk today.
Remember... It's at a coffee shop, Caffeine makes me crazy, loopy, and excited... I shall NOT drink coffee before, or during this meeting! That's a good start at least.
My W installed this app on my phone a while back, it's some kind of Buddhist daily quote thing... The quote today: "The genius of man is hidden in the silent, settled state of mind from where every thought emerges."
Yesterday: "Don't fight the darkness. Bring the light, and darkness will disappear."
Before that: "When we think of failure, failure will be ours. If we remain undecided nothing will ever change. All we need t odo is want to achieve something great, and then simply do it. Never think of failure, for what we think, we become.
As much as I joked about her random "spiritual" sillyness at times, I feel these all apply greatly to what a lot of us are going through right now.
I need to swallow that pride, and admit I've failed in what I have already failed in life, and move on with what I can actually make a difference in, and that's my future and how to better it.
betterm,
I went through the feelings of failure as well. I still feel that way often, but I didn't fail because I didn't try or didn't want to try, I failed because of something that was out of my control (my wife wanted the divorce). I was ready and willing to do almost anything to make the marriage work, and that's the best I could do.
betterm, I went through the feelings of failure as well. I still feel that way often, but I didn't fail because I didn't try or didn't want to try, I failed because of something that was out of my control (my wife wanted the divorce). I was ready and willing to do almost anything to make the marriage work, and that's the best I could do.
I think the failure is all part of the process, without identifying it, and accepting it, we're really just placing the blame on someone/something else. Hell, even my W has said she feels like a failure, although, she hasn't fully accepted any responsibility for her wrongful actions during the marriage, but that's not my issue right now to worry about.
I've re-read the validation cheat sheet about 15 times already today, and plan to validate the [censored] out of her during the meeting. There are two areas I'm still trying to cover prior to meet though:
First, Empathy is something that should really be tied to the validation statement, right? Like "I hear what you're saying and see how that could've made you upset". That's a validating and empathizing statement all in one. And I should stay away from "I'm sorry that you are mad about XYZ", because I'm not really apologizing for anything other than her reaction to something, as opposed to the action/event itself. Does this all seem right for validation/empathy?
Second, I'm going to avoid R talk at all cost. In the past I've said things like "no, thanks, I don't have anything to say in regards to our MR or future", and it's confused the hell out of her. But, she's pushy and manipulative... What shall I do if she directly asks something along the lines of "Why should I believe things would be different if I chose to stay married?" ... How should one respond to that when we are trying to avoid MR talks?
