GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[SH_]

Hi bigybiz,

I would say that Cristy, gave you the idea to follow. Heed her advice as it may just be that simple.

Do what you know to be right. Do not do what your feelings say. Following feelings is a slippery slope. Doing what you know and believe in, is what will bring success.

You say you are ready for her to go, but there are still hints in your posts that you are not. More detachment is still needed.
I would encourage that you list your principles and then read them often. Then act on them no matter what. This will help you avoid following the directions of your feelings. You know Dbing is counterintuitive, and it is the only way to become the person only a fool would leave.

Have a good evening my friend

[sandi2]

But, did have a very direct R talk with my WAW/WW and told her I'm emotionally, physically and mentally ready for her to go. I also told her I'm also ready to build a real marriage to her.

But the limbo has to end. If she is going then go, if she is staying she has to make a commitment to me and put our marriage 1st. But, the cake eating time is over.

I told her we won't be friends, once she leaves. It will still be her house (re:ownership) but not her home. She won't come and go as she pleases and be a mom when she wants to. I will be the leader of this family.

I told her that if she wants to be on her own and chase her dreams then go.

She gave me the song and dance, that she does not want to be alone and she worries that if she comes back, I will take over her life and she does not want to say goodbye to her family, but she does not have any feelings for me ... I listened and tried to validate as much as I could.

So, I feel like I got lots of my chest and I've kinda set a clock for her.

So it was a high point for me to lay it out and see what happens.

What was your real expectation of having this R talk? Be honest.

When the LBH has a R talk with his WW, he usually has an immediate sense of relief (getting things off his chest).

But here's the thing. He will be tested to see if he's really going to stick to what he said. If he tucks his tail and backtracks............his R talk was all in vain.

What does she SEE when she looks at you as a MAN? These talks may feel good at the time, but they do not accomplish anything. She will still watch your ACTIONS.

SEE..............MAN............ACTIONS!

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks for your dose of medicine.

I can honestly say I am ready for her to go. She is talking about the end of May. And I'm very done with the limbo - I would like to believe my actions are staying consistent. I'm living my life, taking care of the kids, house, etc. I don't ask her for her input on most things - I just go ahead.

I have not asked much about her life in long while. I've set up family counseling for the kids and I. I have let her know, I'm ready for her to go. I'm not "detached" in the DB sense of the word - but I am more distanced.

I've stopped inviting her out with the kids and I. I'm sure she felt some "loss" today as we were out a family wedding and I had arranged some photos of the kids and I.

I've quit trying to work with her on the budget, kids activities, etc. I'll just wait for the lawyers to do it for me.

I have been pursing a little. But, I've kinda enjoyed it as she squirms-when I talk about S-X, or make her rub cream on me, kiss me.

I'm really am done with the limbo and her cake eating. Also, when I told her I'm not running a boarding house and I won't clean up after her, etc she has started "cleaning up" her act and taking on a bit more of the house work.

I would like a real marriage. Maybe once she feels some loss, i.e. moves out and I put down some firm rules - e.g. you just can't show up, etc.

Besides, my eldest is gonna murder her before she even gets a chance to move out.

[bigybiz]

Wow - W went and booked a place to live. Told me she is leaving. Three hours later she says, she does not want to. She does not want to leave her kids (did not mention me at all but what do you expect from a WAW/WW). She gave me an ultimatum based on a bad experience from our past. She tells me that if I don't give her what she wants she sees that as I don't really mean what I say as far as fully supporting her etc, etc.

I told her that I'm not going down that rabbit hole. If she wants to base the next 30 years of our life on this one thing - I'm not doing it.

A little later I told her that this one issue is a big deal but should not be a deal breaker. I said, I'd be willing to work with a councilor or mediator for us to come to a resolution. I even said "I'd throw my self on the mercy of the court" meaning I'd do whatever the councilor recommended. Was that the right approach?

I told her if I gave into her demands I would not be the kind of guy she should be with. Further, if I said I'll give you what you want "If we make love 4 times a week and you make cinnamon buns every Sunday would that be reasonable?" She agreed that would be unreasonable.

Did I handle that right? She was getting close to saying she will come back - but I was not giving in on this one big issue.

Come on team - let me know what you think.

[AndrewP]

I really wish that this site had a thumbs up button.

From what I've read and experienced in real life with my own WW/WAW a big fear of their's is losing. You'll notice I didn't say "what" they would be losing - just losing. Losing their H, their family, the respect of the community. Heck, even losing an argument or a game of checkers would be tough.

I've gotten the most impact when I've made it plain to my own WW/WAW that she CAN go and that I'd support her taking that decision. It's also happened when she's realized all of the family on my side that she'd lose and when I've told her that I'm building myself up to stand on my own two feet and deal with things myself because I see that as a real possibility.

So - don't "give in". If you are going to have a successful MR you'll need to stick your chest out, let your own personal balls drop free and swinging and do what is right for you and your family. If she wants to be part of that family she needs to do what is right as well.

One suggestion as well. I don't have this in my journey but a lot of people seem to have the past dug up and thrown at them as a weapon. My own philosophy is that the past is over and can't be changed and that only the future is worth talking about.

Now - I just need to keep working on following my own advice as well.

[bigybiz]

AndrewP:

Nice to hear from a fellow Canadian!!! Thanks for your post, it was the shot in the arm I needed. I'll check out your thread later.

I wish I could take your advice fully about the past. Unfortunately, both of us still have lots of hurt from the past. The key should be to come to terms with it - then say we are moving forward. It's funny that my crimes are unforgivable, etc but hers are no big deal.

Due to God's help, I'm not the mess I was last fall etc - I'm so much more confident than I was. I have a clear idea of what I want in a MR with her and I won't settle for less. Who know the future Mrs BigyBiz may be the winner here.

Tonight, we are supposed to pick up where we left off. She had arranged to move out this weekend. I think facing that reality has been a wake up call for her.

I've got to remember to be relaxed and fight my first response.

Anyone else - any thoughts?

[bigybiz]

Well its happening. She is moving out this weekend. It was getting close I thought to her staying - but in the end she is choosing her work over me. She and I had some scuffles over her work and she thinks that won't change. For me the scuffle was over her EA and what I did to find out about it and stop it.

So that chapter is closed. I'm sad. I'm happy that the kids and I will stay put. She is moving done the road. I'll need to build some firm boundaries - i.e. no drop ins, etc. The detachment will be so much easier now that she will be out of the house. Certainly going dark too.

I think I will start a new thread on Sunday.

[collin]

bigybiz,
Sorry that she's moving. But I am in the same mindset as you, that detaching will be so much easier with her not being at the house.

[bigybiz]

Collin:
Thanks for your post. I need to now kick some butt and focus on my business. I've been phoning it in since Sept. I'm looking forward to starting my basement reno.

[Melo]

I am in the same boat brother. My solace is twofold. One Sandi always says that she doesn't know of any case where in home seperated couples have reconciled, so this will increase those chances, should you want it. Two, if in home S hasn't worked in the past year, then I have to try something new. Do what works, right? I think this is a great opportunity for us to show ourselves what we are made of. Whether when faced with adversity we cower away or step up to it is the true measure of a man. I think that it allows us the opportunity to focus on what's important to us and not what the W is thinking or why she's angry. The actions we take will determine the outcome, and from what I've read, you will be just fine biz.