The last time I talked to my W, she mentioned her brother's divorce briefly, and I wasn't going to bring it up to her, but when her Bro and Ex-Sis divorce, she cried and raged about how she can't believe they didn't try a little bit harder to make it work out. The divorced right around the two year mark....
And here we are, right at the 2 year mark on both of our first marriages, and she's throwing in the towel. I wasn't going to bring it up on my side, but since she mentioned it, I said, 'do you remember all the things you said about how they just didn't try hard enough. How they could've worked to be better if they'd only put in the work, and they were both just too stubborn to do anything about it... What makes this any different?"
She didn't have a good answer, but she said she can't explain why it's different for her, She just is numb right now, she's "Effed Up" emotional and psychologically and is in no state at all to try and repair a broken marriage. I could tell she was angry with my question, so I just validated her response and told her it must be hard to deal with something like this, that made so much sense on what needs to be done from the outside, looking in, yet now that you and me are in the situation, it's so easier to make the decision to call it quits. That's got to be confusing as hell...
I didn't expect much of a 'good' response. I was really just hoping that I could shed some light on the whole "outside looking in" vs "being inside" the situations, and hoping she might put some thought into it a little bit. Not sure if that was good or bad, but can't hurt to use her own words to make her think a little bit, without making any accusations or blames.
I just got home from work, well, to my parents and my dad was heading off to Bible study group.. Asked me If I wanted to go and I actually considered it. I'm not religious, biblical, etc... but I'm thinking it's just 'something new' that could help me get through this... I ended up declining and he just spoke a few words of good hopes to me. He's never been a fan of my W's "ways". He's always saw her as righteous, difficult, judging, etc... but said he loves her and no matter what he loves me first and wants me to do whats right for me... HE almost backhandedly is trying to remind me of all of her ridiculous actions and rants from the past, and i heard him saying subliminally, 'hey, are you sure you even want to be with this woman forever'... It's something that I laughed about, and then cried about, because deep down, I have no effing idea why I would want to be with someone like her, but I freaking love her and have many reasons why I want it, but go back and forth on why I would choose to deal with the things I've had to deal with, with her as my GF, and now W.... goodness gracious!
Quick text convo with W... She saw me heading the other direction while she was on way home from work... she text'd, "going out for a bit, be safe, call if you need anything"... I just responded, "yep, heading out for a bit, I'll talk to ya tomorrow or Wed."... I have visioned the conversation we are having on Wed in my head a hundred times already, and I can't find a good way that I'll be able to "make the meeting end pleasantly", as the coach said. W is going to flip out and rage when I tell him I'm not leaving, or selling, the house that was mine pre-marital. I don't plan on mentioned the words "pre-marital", but that's what it is, and that's what she'll hear. She's so full volatile when it comes to 'life talk' and can't believe she'll handle anything I'm going to say with a 'kind' and 'civil' attitude like we agreed to.
Stop predicting outcomes.expectations can become self fulfilling prophecies.You have a stance to take. She can react as she wants to. Ultimately you cannot control that. But don't get drawn into a confrontation or try to "be the one who is right".
Between now and then work on reducing your anxiety. Be in a place where you can remain calm during conversation and not react badly regardless of what you are hit with.
Even if she does explode, that is irrelevant in the long run. Whatever she says or does, know that it is not catestrophic. Some could even go as far as to say that it is good if she is annoyed. It shows feeling and is often because they realise you are nolonger their puppet, who will do whatever they want. That realisation is often a first step towards regaining respect.
The most important thing for you to focus on is keeping your cool. No resentment.No anger. No morality.Firm, calm and strong. Like Clint Eastwood, well that is the reference used most often here.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Between now and then work on reducing your anxiety. Be in a place where you can remain calm during conversation and not react badly regardless of what you are hit with.
Some could even go as far as to say that it is good if she is annoyed. It shows feeling and is often because...
The most important thing for you to focus on is keeping your cool. No resentment.No anger. No morality.Firm, calm and strong. Like Clint Eastwood, well that is the reference used most often here.
Best wishes
Thanks Roist, These words I've quoted above I think hit the spot. I have GAL, I am doing everything I can to eliminate unnecessary feelings/outcomes of our sitch. But I'm flawed in constantly overthinking things, which in turn makes me a very anxious person. I need to find more calmness, and just accept what will happen, will happen, and I can't stop or create an environment where she won't be the one to make things worse for her.
Also, you comment on her 'actually feeling something', made me remember, she told me the other day, "I don't know what I'm feeling, Honestly, I feel nothing... Numbness, and I know I'm 'effed up' and I will keep seeing my psych for this, but right now, I just feel nothing at all" (summarizing). But I think you're right, people who feel "nothing", have nothing in life to look at or live for, they are just existing. If she does show emotion and feeling, even if it is negative/bad/anger, at least that shows that she does still have some feelings toward this/us, which would be good, regardless the outcome.
It's something I'm continuing to work on, and I've been meditating twice daily for 10 minutes a piece... it's helping, but obviously this is a huge event that's caused a little more need for attention. The meeting is tomorrow, at a coffee shop (no clue why she'd want to pick a 'crowded' 'noisy' place... but none the less)...
I will definitely write for about 10-15 minutes, freehand to get any stray thoughts out of my head, prior to the meeting. and certainly meditate RIGHT before hand. in my car. parking lot, something. focus on belly breathing throughout the conversation... and recite my responses and comments several times prior, throughout today tomorrow... and ummm, any other suggestions?
