We've been separated about a month. No kids. House in my name and was purchased before marriage (I know it's still marital split property and I'm okay with that).
My question is, I make about $5k a month and she makes about $900 monthly. She has said for 3 days in a row now that she doesn't think we should move forward to work on "us". I still want time to think about our situation and decide if saving this marriage is the right thing to do or not.
I recently received advice from a marriage coach that while I can't stop her from filing, I can at least keep her from filing with the money that I've made considering I provide over 80% of the income. Wife has been dragging me along, without communication, not talking at all, and we've been splitting time at our house together. I told her I don't agree with her decision to divorce, but I can't stop her.
However, we have about $4k in our checking account and was told it might be a good idea to pull out all but $500 or so and that way she would have to find another means for actually paying an attorney to file, which she wouldn't have money for... and that sounds harsh and I feel will ruin any attempts of saving the marriage, which I'm still unsure of.
Should I move the money out of the account or not? She said she "wants to be friends" during the process, and my advice was to "be friends", but "if you want a divorce, this is what it looks like". I'll be at home and she'll have to "deal" with being with me there if she chooses to be...
Please advise. I need to make a decision today if possible. Thank you.
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Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
betterm, Your situation is very similar to mine five months ago, but much simpler without kids involved. I make 95% of our income but we have a lot more assets. I found out my WW was about to file so I made most of our cash invested so it was hard to get at. However, she borrowed $6K from her mother secretly to fund the legal retainer. It really depends on your state and its laws. If it's a community property/no fault state like mine, you are pretty much screwed. What ended up happening in my case was it delayed her filing by about a month as she scrambled for cash, and delayed her moving out by about 3 months (which wasn't what I wanted actually). But in the end my WW filed a Request for Order so I had to negotiate the separation agreement with her. So it didn't really work for me, it is harsh and I think it made my WW more upset as she felt "controlled" throughout the process. It probably hardened her position more than anything as you will find your W is like a bird trying to get "free" from the cage of marriage... Anyway, just my experience.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I'm consulting attorney today. She's experiencing a power struggle and justifying it by how I "put her off" during the course of our marriage (20 momths) ... I know a lot of material says NOT to force her into anything, but due to her own personal issues, I think she'd carry on this no contact until divorce is final... Torn on what to do
due to her own personal issues, I think she'd carry on this no contact until divorce is final
Why do you think contact is going to help things right now?
I wouldnt move the money around. She will find a way to file with or without it. I'd protect yourself by eliminating joint credit accounts and such. But I dont see how moving joint money into a different account will do anything beneficial for you.
How much can you afford to lose? Depending on where your head is at I think of the old joke about a wife divorcing and the husband saying that it was worth every penny.
One thing that I haven't gotten to yet that is on my todo list is to talk to my bank about daily transaction limits to see if I can require two signatures on our joint account for transactions over a certain amount. I'm also intending to do a similar thing with our credit card which is in my name and she has a supplementary.
So far W appears to have too much pride to take family money that is allocated already but with an OM in her life (who is better off than us) plus some friends egging her on I don't trust it to not happen.
I've already changed my will and added clauses that remove her if we are separated or divorced, changed my passwords to my online banking and files, and reviewed my insurance policies to be sure that the beneficiary is required to be a spouse. I haven't bothered to mention this fact to W.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don't necessarily think "contact" is the answer, but she keeps saying "i want to be friends still, your my best friend" and all that...
So with the help of DWM Coach, I softly suggested/asked that "since you still value our friendship and wish to continue friends throughout this, how about we be friends with one another at the house together... No relationship talk allowed in the house, only treat each other as guests in each others home, the same way we'd treat a friend staying over for the summer..."
She immediately rejected and said "I can't do that. And it's not fair if you're going to stay at the house all the time because it's my house too and I love our animals too, and..."
So she's rejecting me (obviously), rejecting the option of being friends during this (she says she wants to be friends, but what she means is 'please dont make this harder for me'...
I talked about all this last night with MWD coach last night.
Lastly, I need car repairs pretty badly, and with us remained 'joint checking' and her having a horrible spending habit... if she spends our last $4-5k on attorney and filing, who knows how long it will take before I can afford to fix my car... I have to have transportation to and from work.
also, to answer previous topics... I'm in a no-fault state and I can't "stop her" from filing, but I can stop her from using the money that's needed for immediate expenses. I just don't know if that's the right thing or not...
If she wants to use parents money then I can't stop that either. I just feel like I need to protect what I consider "needs" (ah hem, my job), and not sure what 1-2 months will hurt if she is really serious about filing. She's 28 and full life ahead, a few months doesn't seem to be all that much different in the grand scheme of things (yeah, i know, she's not thinking like that)...
I don't necessarily think "contact" is the answer, but she keeps saying "i want to be friends still, your my best friend" and all that...
So with the help of DWM Coach, I softly suggested/asked that "since you still value our friendship and wish to continue friends throughout this, how about we be friends with one another at the house together... No relationship talk allowed in the house, only treat each other as guests in each others home, the same way we'd treat a friend staying over for the summer..."
She immediately rejected and said "I can't do that. And it's not fair if you're going to stay at the house all the time because it's my house too and I love our animals too, and..."
So she's rejecting me (obviously), rejecting the option of being friends during this (she says she wants to be friends, but what she means is 'please dont make this harder for me'...
I talked about all this last night with MWD coach last night.
Sounds like you have your answer for now. So back off. Theres nothing to contact her about regarding your R.
Originally Posted By: betterm
Lastly, I need car repairs pretty badly, and with us remained 'joint checking' and her having a horrible spending habit... if she spends our last $4-5k on attorney and filing, who knows how long it will take before I can afford to fix my car... I have to have transportation to and from work.
