Check the last few pages of the first thread to see where I'm at.
Pretty much, W is mad at me for following thru with an agreement we had. I originally told her to take a bunch of my money to use for my stepson (SS) schooling, but I forgot we had agreed to get carpet installed with some of that. (There's a roll already purchased sitting in my basement). I told her I wanted to go thru with that as my money is obviously tight and I over-estimated what I could be spending.
Now she is pressuring with divorce talk after months of not talk long about it. So I know is mad about it. (Even though I'm still giving her prbly $5/600 of MY money)
Personally, im in the best place I've been in while. I've GAF, detaching somewhat, and now taking my b@lls back! I'm not gonna back down, but I'm also not gonna fight with her. I'm assuming she will want to talk tonight. Could get interesting. I'll report back....
I am glad to hear you stood your ground with her. Here's the thing you have to remember about a wayward. She is her number one priority.........even over her son, if it were to come right down to it. Waywards have proven time after time that their selfishness is unmeasurable! It has shocked many a husband to see his once devoted and loving W who would have walked through fire for one of her children........become a selfish, greedy, cold, manipulative woman who he no longer recognized.
Be prepared. She will do her best to manipulate you. She has a bag of a lot of tricks, so expect anything.
This is the thinking of a wayward has: What I say........goes. I don't have to give a notice or an explanation. What [i]you want is inconsequential. It is never a matter of fairness or sensibility. If it's what I want, that should be enough reason. It is always about what I stand to benefit. ALWAYS!![/i]
Just like your W decided she was through paying her share through June. She did not discuss it. She told you, and it made no difference to her how you felt about it. However, she does not believe the same rules apply both ways.
The WW has to see that she cannot manipulate and get by with bullying tactics, before she will start to see her H with a more respectful viewpoint. The sooner she learns he is not going to play along with her games, the sooner she stands a chance of coming out of her foggy fantasy.
The H can do more when he uses a calm, yet strong stand on his decisions. No yelling, cursing, name calling, etc. He should conducts himself in a dignified manner. He has to protect himself and do what he believes to be right. He must put wisdom over his heart, while he deals with this woman who does not operate like the woman he wants to love. This is not the girl he married.
This stepson, did you adopt him? Is he going to a private school? Why would she expect you to financially support her son.........if she plans to leave the M?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am glad to hear you stood your ground with her. Here's the thing you have to remember about a wayward. She is her number one priority.........even over her son, if it were to come right down to it. Waywards have proven time after time that their selfishness is unmeasurable! It has shocked many a husband to see his once devoted and loving W who would have walked through fire for one of her children........become a selfish, greedy, cold, manipulative woman who he no longer recognized.
Be prepared. She will do her best to manipulate you. She has a bag of a lot of tricks, so expect anything.
This is the thinking of a wayward has: What I say........goes. I don't have to give a notice or an explanation. What [i]you want is inconsequential. It is never a matter of fairness or sensibility. If it's what I want, that should be enough reason. It is always about what I stand to benefit. ALWAYS!![/i]
Just like your W decided she was through paying her share through June. She did not discuss it. She told you, and it made no difference to her how you felt about it. However, she does not believe the same rules apply both ways.
The WW has to see that she cannot manipulate and get by with bullying tactics, before she will start to see her H with a more respectful viewpoint. The sooner she learns he is not going to play along with her games, the sooner she stands a chance of coming out of her foggy fantasy.
The H can do more when he uses a calm, yet strong stand on his decisions. No yelling, cursing, name calling, etc. He should conducts himself in a dignified manner. He has to protect himself and do what he believes to be right. He must put wisdom over his heart, while he deals with this woman who does not operate like the woman he wants to love. This is not the girl he married.
This stepson, did you adopt him? Is he going to a private school? Why would she expect you to financially support her son.........if she plans to leave the M?
I never formally adopted him, but I came into his life at 9 years old. He's 18 now and at University. Pretty expensive. He has told me he views me as Dad. His real father is a deadbeat in Ireland. Out of the picture. I view him as my son, and I want to help him. W has said that I don't need to, but I feel obligated as a parent figure to do so.
Now I'm starting to think this: It has always been, "this is how I'm handling his school finances, you can help if you want to, but this is it" I was never in on the discussion. She just did what she was gonna do, and if I agree, then great.
Now, I'm leaning toward, I will help him, but not with her. I'll do what I see fit on my own. Yes, she's handling most all of it on her own, and part of me has felt bad. But, I'm beginning to see that I shouldn't feel bad, I should just help him in my own way.
So she hasn't said anything about our conversation earlier yet, if anything, she was pleasant when I got home. She told me she left work early, and not much else. I left a wide gap for her to say anything else, before I started working out.
She's talkin to S about his college budget right now, and that's really about it. I'm about to go meet up with some friends, so won't be having a conversation tonight ......
If she wants to get lawyers involved, why tell you to do the work? B/c that is how female bullies operate. If she wants a D, make her to her own paperwork.
I think it's a threat, at the moment, to get back under her thumb. However, don't try to talk her out of doing the paperwork, or whatever. If she says anything further about "you" doing anything, you need to matter-of-factly inform her that if she wants it......she will have to do the work to get it. I think she has you so well trained, perhaps you didn't even question why you would look for lawyers, look up the paperwork, or whatever. It is a bad habit to follow her every word without, at least, questioning it yourself while going through all of this mess.
I'm not suggesting you initiate anything, but just like all bullies, you don't want her getting the idea you are trying to avoid her, either. Bullies believe you are afraid, when you try to walk around them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she wants to get lawyers involved, why tell you to do the work? B/c that is how female bullies operate. If she wants a D, make her to her own paperwork.
I think it's a threat, at the moment, to get back under her thumb. However, don't try to talk her out of doing the paperwork, or whatever. If she says anything further about "you" doing anything, you need to matter-of-factly inform her that if she wants it......she will have to do the work to get it. I think she has you so well trained, perhaps you didn't even question why you would look for lawyers, look up the paperwork, or whatever. It is a bad habit to follow her every word without, at least, questioning it yourself while going through all of this mess.
I'm not suggesting you initiate anything, but just like all bullies, you don't want her getting the idea you are trying to avoid her, either. Bullies believe you are afraid, when you try to walk around them.
I mostly agree with you here. She hasn't been in contact with a lawyer and a family friend of mine is a divorce lawyer, helped my dad through his divorce. All I did was send her a link to site where it is possible. SHE will have to file. I told her I do not prefer a divorce but that I will sign whatever papers she presents me.
She seemed very much toned down when I got home. She works early and went to bed at like 7 last night, so I went over to my brothers. (My family has been very supportive). I do believe she is trying to bully based on how you are describing it, and what is happening. I need to keep my wits about me.
Knowing this now, I'm open to advice on how to deal with a WAW bully. I have zero problem standing up to it. I know where my b@lls are
I honestly think that she really thought about it and realized that I'm not doing anything wrong. hell, I'm still giving her money. She's looking for ANY reason to leave, and I'm not giving a one. This is frustrating her. I've made mistakes that I have owned up to, corrected, and continue to correct. There's no doubt she is leaving a good man.
I should clear something up....she (and I) do not and have not gotten lawyers involved. We really don't need to. She wanted me to contact a lawyer friend of my family to find out where we go to file on our own, because she couldn't find the info by herself. That last part, I don't really believe because I didn't even call the lawyer, a quick google search found my answers, so I sent them along. If she was that determined, she could have found it on her own.
She's looking for ANY reason to leave, and I'm not giving a one.
Just don't get too focused on you trying to do everything to please her, in hopes of not giving her a reason to leave. Listen, the H doesn't have to do a thing......not one single thing wrong, and if she wants to leave.......she will. Even if she has to twist the truth inside out, she'll do it. So you focus on your values and beliefs. You take care of you and do what YOU want to do. Trust me when I say, she is going to do what she wants.
I the H makes a big mistake when he falls into a mode of walking around on eggshells and trying to please his WW. Once she is out of her waywardness and the couple has therapy to work through their M issues, then both of them should find pleasure in doing things they know pleases one another. But don't do it to try and win her back or to keep her from leaving.
Oh, in answer to your question about bullying, you can google emotional bullying, or female bullying in relationships, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's looking for ANY reason to leave, and I'm not giving a one.
Just don't get too focused on you trying to do everything to please her, in hopes of not giving her a reason to leave. Listen, the H doesn't have to do a thing......not one single thing wrong, and if she wants to leave.......she will. Even if she has to twist the truth inside out, she'll do it. So you focus on your values and beliefs. You take care of you and do what YOU want to do. Trust me when I say, she is going to do what she wants.
I the H makes a big mistake when he falls into a mode of walking around on eggshells and trying to please his WW. Once she is out of her waywardness and the couple has therapy to work through their M issues, then both of them should find pleasure in doing things they know pleases one another. But don't do it to try and win her back or to keep her from leaving.
Oh, in answer to your question about bullying, you can google emotional bullying, or female bullying in relationships, etc.
Oh yea, I'm very much taking the mentality of hey, you wanna go, there's the door. She has expressed that she wishes it wasn't like this. She says she WANTS to be married, but doesn't know HOW right now, and what she says scares her is that there is no desire to work on it right now.
As far WW, I thought that definition includes a cheating spouse. I think she's a WAW, as there has been no cheating between us. Recently or in past.
