More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[SH_]

Oh and a quick take on data, as I to am very data driven.

Even a 1 percent chance means that if you work hard you will have a chance. And in this game of love and marriage, that is what we must hope for. Take it, focus on it, and no matter what the outcome, you will sleep soundly knowing you gave it your all.
That is what life is all about right?

[Phoebe]

Well, today is just mediocre, at best. All day long I have been feeling down and on the verge of tears many times today until a little while ago when the tsunami came again and finally knocked me down, and it's still rolling on in.

I worked with my dad most of the day on our tractor and mower projects, and that was good, but at one point he just stopped and looked out over my land and remarked on what a beautiful piece I had. I could only respond that I must have been been pretty awful for H to leave all of this because of me. Dad tried to say something nice, but my head just wasn't into what he was saying.

A while later we had to take the mower deck back to his place because I didn't have the right tools, and he asked me on the drive if I had changed my will yet to exclude H. He said he didn't imagine that if anything happened to me that I would want H and his girlfriend to have my half of everything. Of course I haven't changed my will, and then I just felt a bit worse.

So, it's been that kind of day, I guess. I had dinner with my parents after the repair stuff was finished for the day, came back to my place, showered, and then just started sobbing and hyperventilating again.

So tired of this. I know that all I can do is just let myself feel it and get it out, but I just feel really awful about myself right now.

Marriage forensics:

How much did I miss or, worse, ignore? How did I lose my best friend and H after 25 years and have no idea it was on the horizon, except in hindsight? I haven't felt totally safe with him, emotionally, for 2 1/2 years, since the first time he blew up over something seemingly-random and then it devolved into him having to leave before he said something he couldn't take back. He ran away then, too, to our other house in the other state, and I followed him.

We just sort of mashed things back together and went on. That was the time I begged for his forgiveness for something or other, and felt awful about myself for doing so. We talked the next day and he said he couldn't handle it that he felt like he couldn't make me happy. That was when I found out he was seeing the therapist about his dad's death. I was shocked he hadn't told me about it when he started going to her. Why didn't we start seeing a MC then? Because we were both afraid that the experience would make things worse, that it would tear us apart by encouraging us to tear each other apart in front of a third party. I loved my life and H, and had no big complaints, but plainly he had some major things going on that I didn't get.

In hindsight, I found out he'd already started lying and going out to clubs without wearing his wedding ring by this point. Lying by omission about seeing the therapist was par for the course. At the time I knew nothing about that.

We ticked along until a similar episode about 1 1/2 years ago now, and that was when he cut back his work hours and we started really prioritizing being in the same house each night, commuting back and forth for his job, and being together. Again, in hindsight, this is when he told me he broke contact with his clubbing friends and he no longer had any opportunity to go out without me. I didn't know any of that, of course.

More hindsight, I had to stay here while the chicks were tiny, so that meant every couple weeks he was back in the other state alone for a three days at a time. He sometimes would stay an extra day for "work." More lying, but I took him at his word.

He seemed more committed than ever and really seemed to bond with the farm. He was affectionate and loving. We got a business certificate together for the farm, bought a new tractor in September, and other things that seemed like he was liking what we were doing and moving forward in that direction. There was nothing after that until he walked away, beyond an odd feeling about the way he reacted to a couple things I said (not arguments at all) over the last 2 weeks before he left.

Oh. There was the way he acted really strange after returning from that business trip in the fall, absurdly jet-lagged from Europe, but otherwise OK. In hindsight, that was when he told me he had to stay longer for work and I found out online a couple months ago that he actually went traveling on his own instead, doing who knows what. At the time he just seemed exhausted. My therapist says it was probably avoidance behavior. He didn't want to talk to me, so he feigned jet lag and just slept.

Anyway, a not very good day. I did a lot, but felt unsettled all day long until It finally broke this evening.

I've had mostly fine to good days over the last 10 days or so, and I knew it couldn't last, but it's still no fun when the tsunami comes roaring in again. I'm feeling a bit better now. I didn't take anything, just letting it pass on its own. Journaling here helps.

Thanks to every one that's checked in on me today - Zeus, ciluzen, Blu, Grl, Painter, and my fellow traveler in the land of Oz, SadHUb. I'd like to click my heels and go home now, except H was always my home.

I wish that H hadn't strung me along with all those nice things he said over the first 3 months. He was lying to me. He gave me hope, and then dashed it in March when I discovered the affair and he said we 'were over" for the first time, even though he back-pedaled that statement. What little hope for our M that still remained when I went to see him in April to talk about our "new direction" was just crushed by that debacle.

I looked up the Stockton Paradox, and I know that I will be fine, with him or, more likely, without him. It's just going to be a long journey and today isn't one of the highlights of the trip.

I hope that everyone gets some sleep and some peace.

[BluWave]

Where is this data that you read? I haven't seen it. Can you copy the link? I have heard that a very small percentage of As turn into long term Rs and 3-5% will marry. Don't recall where I read that tho. I heard this great radio interview on limerance--you can look it up online--and the interviewee discusses why As only last 1-2 years and that it is an artificial (not based in reality) R and thus why it is so addictive. Very informative.

I have also read that a large percentage of second Ms were with the original partner. I also recall from my research/reading days, that men were less likely to leave their wives and families, while by the time a W has checked out into an A, she had been fantasizing an escape for a long while. Again, DO NOT quote me on any of this, just recall reading these things, don't know where. I imagine it is hard topic to have data on because of the secretive nature of As, and there is also guilt and denial.

P, I can see how that would be disheartening news tho. It is hard to believe that even after doing everything possible, the chances are so low. I do know in my sitch, I held onto my belief that H was really not himself, and that I knew this wasn't the life he wanted. And he did come back around. As hard as it is, there are some positive changes he has made in himself that he may have not without this crisis.

Hang in there!
Blu

[BluWave]

P, oh my dear! We must have been typing at the same time. Hugs! I am across the country, but I am with you in mind, spirit, and heart. I am so sorry you are here now. I know how terribly painful it is. The deepest pain. I don't know if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I do believe you are getting stronger. I can read in your posts that you are full of so much strength and wisdom.

(((Phoebe)))
Blu

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Blu. The tsunami has calmed down, luckily.

I had a little distraction in the form of a new cat showing up on my porch. The problem with farms is that cats tend to show up/get dropped off. This is the first one to pop by in a while, and the only one that's been socialized in a very long time. The others I tend to see just as they are running away.

Anyway I fed him and talked to him and pet him. Luckily I'm rabies vaccinated, or I'd have been reluctant to do so, as he has healing bite wounds. He's a talker, which is always charming. He's been in a lot of fights, has tattered ear margins, and is missing a toe in addition to the recent injuries. He's pretty young, maybe a year old, and intact, and he has some ticks that he wouldn't sit still for me to remove. If he's still here tomorrow, I'll start gathering the necessary vaccines and neuter him ASAP. Can't have an unvaccinated intact male hanging around, spraying, and fighting. Poor kid. I need another outdoor cat like a hole in the head. I suppose I could try to get him a home, but the reality is that cats are hard to find homes for around here. They are always showing up, it seems.

I don't even agree with the concept of outdoor cats, but the four I already have came with the place (only after the purchase, of course!!!), and H has asthma, so they can't come indoors. They are awful predators, and I hate seeing the damage they inflict on the bird population. Dead rodents don't bother me so much, as they have such short lifespans, but the dead birds make me really unhappy.

I used to love feeding the birds in my previous homes, but I can't do that until these cats pass on. I had hoped to not add any more, but it's a farm, so it's a kitty target. They are good distractions, though, and I really do enjoy their company. My cats follow me around all the time (along with the chickens) and provide me with a lot of amusement and affection. I just feel very guilty about the damage they do.


Back to the subject at hand: It's nice to know that people here really do understand. It's also nice to know that you are out there, Blu.

No one who hasn't been through it has any real idea. I know when something similar happened to a woman I knew, I had no idea what to say or do, and I had no idea what she was going through. I do now. I wish that I could go back and give her the comfort that she needed then, but I didn't know how.

I still cling to the thought that the life H is leading now isn't the one he really wants, but right now he is convinced that what he doesn't want is me and the farm and this life in the country. Or at least that's what he says. I know that I can't believe a word that he says, though.

Thank you for your kindness, BluWave. I really appreciate it tonight.

[Painter]

I'm sorry it's been a bad day, Phoebe. I do see that you are overall more resilient, though - you have come a long way in a very short time. It's a testament to your innate strength.

One reason why I thought H would never cheat, was that we had both been cheated on before. His W#3 cheated on him with the neighbor and actually married him and had a child with him. H said it was devastating and I couldn't imagine him inflicting that pain on anyone.

He said after I discovered the A that he didn't understand why I wanted to know details. He didn't want to know anything about his W and the OM - but he's also an avoider while I'm an analyzer. I can handle almosts anything except uncertainty. He thrives on living in a flux.

I also hated my 4 indoor-outdoor cats taking birds - for some reason, it seems they got goldfinches. Have you thought about putting collars with a bell on them? It gives the birds warning.

[Phoebe]

Unfortunately, I think only one of the 4 would tolerate a collar. One is quite feral (hates me, but readily waits for food - go figure), and two are pretty flighty and I think they would freak out. It took me months to be able to even touch the three that allow it now.

The one I know I could collar is a semi-portly male that's not ambitious enough to hunt! He's such a love. So, yes I'd like to collar them, but no, I don't think I can collar the two huntresses. Just getting flea and tick meds onto those two is a trick of speed, finesse, and bribery with breakfast! The feral one has to do without. I was lucky to get him trapped and neutered and vaccinated once.

I never thought H would cheat, either. We want to think the best of those we love.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I agree with Blu on the stats. People in an A right now are more likely to end up back with their spouse than go on to marry their AP. Of the small percentage who do go on to marry their AP, 75% end in D. Those are the stats I have read in any case. Conversely, I have read that 20% of people who D go on to remarry their spouse - go figure!

But, all of this takes time - and I believe that time is normally more than months. Particularly if that A is a MLC A - those seem to take a longer time to resolve. And from what you post, your h does sound to have some MLC type issues - ie: total rejection of his former life, 'young' living etc...

I know you are finding it difficult, but when I read your posts and how you are moving forward (with more than baby steps actually) I do believe you are right where you need to be.

Lovely to read about your feline chums too xx

[SH_]

Good morning Phoebe.

Lots of journaling an posting for you yesterday. Some good reflection of the past events. I too had that type of day, until my d17 asked me when I was setting the date to no longer do it.

I had told her I was setting a deadline to stop looking back and figuring out what went wrong and what I did not see my WAW doing. Also I said I wanted to set the date because I want to be able to only say kind things about my W. Separating the WAW of today from the W I was with for over 19 years is very important to me. So today I plan to set this date.

I know my looking backwards is my analytical mind trying to see where I derailed the train, and or so that I can place blame on her. Neither of these thoughts are really helpful, as it will not change the past, but more importantly, it will not change my current sitch, nor the future for me. I am where I am and acceptance is important. My future is still to be created, and today is the beginning of that. I am still healing, so the process of looking back is beneficial, but I can not stay trapped doing it if I am to forgive myself, and her. The saying forgive and forget comes to mind.

Anyway, I may be rambling as I had a good, but short sleep and it is still early.

I hope you have a peaceful day with activities that keep your mind on the present and hope for the future.

You are doing so well, and it brings a smile to my face knowing how far we have come and how sharing our journey together has been a blessing.

Do something fun today. You deserve the distraction and it will heal some of the emotional wounds of yesterday.

Pencils, YouTube, family, friends, and the great outdoors. These will get you started today.

[Phoebe]

Hey Everyone! A big hello from the funny farm. Land of crazy chickens, wandering cats, pencil smiles and other Neature stuff.

SadHub - Reflection time is over for now, and today I'm movin' on to new stuff. I don't know that I'm ready to set myself a cutoff date, but I am definitely working on moving forward a whole lot more than I am looking backward.

Sotto, I do think that my H is well into MLC territory. He has jumped onto a totally new set of tracks. When I saw him for the first time after walk-away, he pointed out that he was just a child when we first met and that he had never even had a girlfriend before me! I just let it pass, but I knew I was in trouble with that statement; this was a whole lot more than a communication problem.

It's been a strange sort of day, not bad, not great, kind of a middling, but I have no complaints. It's a whole lot better than yesterday! It's chilly, in the low 40s, it rained off and on for most of the day, and it's been breezy, so it isn't the easiest day to be outdoors, but I was out there anyway. There was even snow in the air today both to the north and south of here! I have the heat on right now, whereas just 4 days ago it was 84 degrees and I was wishing I had my a/c units installed. It's been an odd spring. Of course, it was an odd winter, too.

Today I went on my first MeetUp group hike. Well, it was a whole lot more like a super leisurely stroll, but it was pleasant. I went with a group called Women Outdoors, and we walked in a local state preserve. The cool part was that I go to see wildflowers that I haven't seen in a whole lot of years. I first met these flowers on a long hike in the southeast, and here were those same plants all the way up north! This park is a bit unusual, habitat-wise, and the best part is an old hardwood forest, which is where most of the flowers were. The trees aren't pre-settlement, but range from 120-200 years old, so are still pretty big, so they create a very open shaded understory that is hard to come by in the Northeast.

There were 7 of us on the walk, and we looked at birds, flowers, and lovely views. Super slow walking, so definitely a nature walk and not a hike, but it was good. The only crummy thing was finding a tick on my arm while I was eating lunch afterward. Yuck. I had to change and shower when I got home. I may do more activities with this group. They do all kinds of things from kayaking to hiking to camping to snowshoeing to biking, so a lot of things I enjoy. The two coordinators are quite nice and I like them. The group is a large regional organization, so they have events over a huge area. The coordinators drove 2 hours to get to today's walk!

Tomorrow afternoon I see my therapist, and then in the evening I have my first Homesteading MeetUp. I'm looking forward to meeting a bunch of people that are all strangers to each other, so that we will all be on equal footing. There are supposed to be about 17 of us attending, so I'm expecting a pretty diverse group of interests and skills. I'm hoping that I will meet some like-minded people.

There's been no sign of last night's visiting cat yet today. I'm kind of disappointed because he was a sweetheart, but, as I said, I really don't need another feline friend.

This evening the drizzling rain has tailed off and the sun is popping out periodically, so it's a lot nicer outside. I have the chickens out free-ranging. Whenever I go outside, they all run to me and then follow me around, just in case I might have a treat, and at this time of day the cats are looking for dinner - picture a woman walking to her garden with 13 chickens and 3 cats in tow. It's kind of hilarious. My neighbor calls me the Pied Piper.

So... how are things big-picture-wise? Still NC with H since that incredibly brief admin email contact at the end of last week, so that's given me a lot of room to do some healing, and I think I've been doing pretty well in that department. One rogue tsunami attack yesterday, and one last week, so overall that's an improvement. I'm still sad sometimes, still confused about what happened to my life, but mostly I've been having more good days than bad.

I'm not sure what part the SSRIs are having in anything, but time and distance from H have definitely been good for me, as has been refraining from doing any internet trailing of H. I have only taken anxiety meds twice in the last week, and actually they were both nights that I was fed up with not being able to sleep! Sleeping remains a bit rocky. I'm still taking benadryl every night, though I'm going to see if I can nix that soon. I'm still a bit shaky, but not nearly as bad as a couple weeks ago, so improvement there, too, which is good, because that is getting OLD.

My weight is holding. Mostly. I'm down 32 pounds since walk-away, and slid down another pound this week when I slacked off a bit on my vigilance about eating. Still, it's lots better than at the beginning where I dropped about a pound a day, so I'm calling it progress!!! Simply choosing to embrace the weight loss and getting myself some new clothes that actually fit has been a huge help in reframing my outlook. At first I felt like I was wearing my grief like a uniform, with the weight loss as an obvious outward sign of the crisis I felt inside. Now I just try to look at it as a new me! I'm used to seeing myself this way now, whereas at first it was kind of a shock to look in a mirrror.

So. that's all the news that's fit to print.

I hope everyone gets some rest and has a peaceful tsunami-free day!