So took a really long drive putting our son to sleep. I've realised that my WWs fantasy is black men. She is fair skinned and black men pay fair skinned girls alot of attention.
I'm going to go absolutely no physical contact, even holding hands during prays. I do not know where they have been or where they are going to go. I have fear that I wake up in 9 months and the baby is a shade darker than my light brown skin. Lol
She said I was classless and tacky to take her things out the MBR, even though she only got home 12 midday. I know that that's projection so it's nice to know that she feels classless and tactless.
So I'm giving up on my M, and building slowly to D. Too much water has gone very quickly under the bridge. Our vows state to honour and obey. The ten commandments state that though shall not commit adultery. I know which one wins there.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Each day that passes, you continue to push your wife away by reacting to everything that she does or doesn't do. It looks like you're still trying to control her.
No I'm not dream. I told her to enjoy herself. She called me when she got home and I said that I wanted to spend the day by myself and that she is free to pick up our S if she wanted to spend it with him.
It's now 8pm and she said earlier that she will probably be home around midnight. This means that she will not see her son on her bday. It might be pursuing by asking if she's gonna be home, but I did not want to assume.
She's out with who knows and I am getting our son done and putting him to bed.
I also think that locking her out of the MBR is to protect myself. I want to take emotion out of it. Was that not the right way to do it?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
ok, i am reacting, realising that now. One thing I must state is that she has most likely cheated and I also cannot trust her. I do not want to be married to my W anymore. Most importantly, I do not want to control her. I want to be that fool that no-one would leave.
You all have helped me get so far personally and it saddens me when I go off course, I think i'm on the right path and then my emotions take over. Maybe today was not as good as I thought...
I understand that I must allow her to find herself, give her the space and time and use the time for myself too. However, i'm getting confused with that and 180, validating and boundaries.
What do i do with a WW that comes home at 10am in the morning. I stated that I wont share a bed with her. I neatly moved her stuff out. I dont want to give up. I never even spoke to her today!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm just gonna say it - i'm confused as to what to do. That's why my actions must be so confusing too.
I need to not be a doormat. I need to stand up for what i believe in. I need to focus on myself and get out of her head. I need to GAL and show empathy through validation. I need to be a lighthouse. I need to lose control.
I do the above through boundaries and improving myself. I still clearly do not understand boundaries.
Saying i wont share a bed with someone that does not want to be in it with me, is controlling. If anyone could give me a good boundary for a WW that comes home at 10am in the morn, I would appreciate it. Is lack of affection and attention that boundary?
I am just confused. I believe i'm good at following a process, but there are no clear guidelines here. How do i grow balls, entrench my values and still not let it come across as reacting - Must i just ignore her? If i tell her I want to spend her bday by myself, it comes across as reacting. BUt it was not, I planned it yesterday... Do i validate now.
I'm rambling because I am at a loss...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
okay, one last observation, my WW did actually come home. She is putting our S to sleep. He was crying about getting into bed and she actually said that I must leave him to cry on the floor, if he wants to get up then its up to him.
She has never done this before, always feeling his pain and consoling him.
She came back from her time with OM2 and said that they had sparkling wine and watched the sunset, something that she should have been doing with me. For what it's worth. Must focus on me.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ, I have not read all your posts. I mainly shake my head and move on b/c it seems you have a lot of things mixed up in what you perceive in some advice....but you are not really "listening". For a moment, let's put all the cliches aside, okay?
Yes, things may get worse, but it is your choice to stick around and watch it get worse. She could get pregnant, catch a STD, aids, get beaten, have a crazed OM come into the home............or any number of very bad things, due to her association. I don't know what is driving her to do the things she's doing, other than she's getting something out of it. If nothing else, a lot of attention......including yours.
I say B.S. to it being a matter of her "finding herself". That cliche has been worn out by WW's across the planet. A wayward woman can find all kind of excuses for why she does what she does. However, none of her behaviors are excusable!! She is a wife and a little boy's mother. She needs to act like it, instead of a girl gone wild.
When I got married, I knew there was a conduct of behavior that decent married ladies conformed to, or else they brought shame to their H and their family. Maybe it's principles/standards taught from childhood, tradition or religious beliefs....... but people use to get married with the understanding that anything that reflected immorality would not come into their MR. The family and home were to be protected from wickedness. If one of the spouses should stray into a debauchery and refused to stop....then the other spouse took steps to end the MR. Somewhere along the way, our society has been taught we should tolerate, even if we don't approve. I am telling you that you do not have to tolerate this behavior in your marriage.
Stop tolerating this filthy, trashy, mess that you are basically condoning by playing these silly games and staying with her....and allowing your son to grow up in that influence. You can't control her, but you can take control over your life and protect your son.
Forget boundaries at the moment, b/c you are missing them big time! You don't understand boundaries, correctly. You call it "boundaries" but you basically try to punish and control her.
Let her go. No threats, no ultimatums, no control...........just drop her. Stop living in the house with her, and get a court order for temp child custody, if you can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i'm thinking of telling her that "with the way that you want to live, i think its best for you to live with your daddy for now". i will not go any further.
but the house is in both our names, and she refuses to move out. only a D could force her out.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
