I calling to setup another coaching appt tomorrow, but I'm really having a hard time balancing my process. Coach told me W is in such distress, I need to be kind, caring, and ask/validate her each time I can to try and rebuild the friendship first, and NOT focus on any R topics...
I get that, and I understand the detachment process, being positive, and being subtle in ways of telling her (when asked), you've GAL and getting on with it (with or without S).
I feel like when I'm put into situation where she's wanting to just talk as friends though (per coach, what i'm trying to rebuild as my first 'step'), things might be going a little in the opposite direction that I'd like. She seems sadder, more hurt. I stay brief about myself, and continue to try and convert the conversation in a way that SHE can talk about herself, but she never does... She just wants to ask more questions...
She 'isn't allowing' us to stay in the same house together right now, going on about a month. So there's no "passing by" each other; it's on a schedule.
But maybe I'm doing it wrong. Like I said, I need another appt, but if someone who's seen/experienced this in the past could shed a tiny light, I'd be very appreciative. Thanks.
Many of us are in our situations because we let the connection with our spouses disintegrate. Without being connected everything else unravels. Your coach is trying to help you rebuild a connection. Once that is re established, the next step is to enhance the emotional connection and ultimately rebuild a R.
You do not want to be just friends.I get that. But that is not the destination.IIt is just a stage to get through. Don't get hung up on that for now. Just accept that it is good for ye to rebuild any connection.
Don't mind read your W. You have no way of really knowing what she is thinking. Your post is too short or not detailed enough to allow people here have any real insights. But your turmoil we see and understand. Maybe I missed another thread.
What I do see is that you are pushing the conversation/communication. If she is not ready you cannot force it. If she is engaged continue, if she us withdrawn back off.
I think it is good that she asks questions. Many WAS have absolutely no interest at any level in the lbs that they ask nothing.
This is a slow process. Be patient. I would be interested in knowing how your coach advises you going forward.
Good luck .
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Many of us are in our situations because we let the connection with our spouses disintegrate. Without being connected everything else unravels. Your coach is trying to help you rebuild a connection. Once that is re established, the next step is to enhance the emotional connection and ultimately rebuild a R.
You do not want to be just friends.I get that. But that is not the destination.IIt is just a stage to get through. Don't get hung up on that for now. Just accept that it is good for ye to rebuild any connection.
Don't mind read your W. You have no way of really knowing what she is thinking. Your post is too short or not detailed enough to allow people here have any real insights. But your turmoil we see and understand. Maybe I missed another thread.
What I do see is that you are pushing the conversation/communication. If she is not ready you cannot force it. If she is engaged continue, if she us withdrawn back off.
I think it is good that she asks questions. Many WAS have absolutely no interest at any level in the lbs that they ask nothing.
This is a slow process. Be patient. I would be interested in knowing how your coach advises you going forward.
Good luck .
Coach and Others on the Forums are saying that she's MOSTLY asking those questions because she is still striving for control of my life, even though she's said she is considering wanting out.
I've been told, when she asks those questions, that she's basically lost the right to know 'those things', but I feel like if I do that, it's actually damaging to the 'friendship' part of this that I'm trying to rebuild.
You know, what kind of friend responds to the question, "who all went to dinner last night?" with, "none of your business"... that shouldn't go well. Maybe I'm getting bad advice from people in slightly different situations that the one I'm currently in.
To me there are definitely differences in how your treat at WW vs a WAW It's why I snooped a couple weeks ago. I wa trying to figure out which I was dealing with. If I had WW like I had last time I would have moved lit right away and gone dark except for contact about our son. But since I didn't find anything I believe I just have a WAW and I'm taking advice of coaches
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You obviously feel very conflicted about the pros and cons of the "friendship" advice. Perhaps you have shared more with your coach than with the board, which is not uncommon. They know the questions to ask about your S and the MR. From what I gather, they do seem to lean toward a softer approach.......being friends........etc.
I think it matters a great deal if the W is wayward. B/c of her mindset, she will not respect a man who settles to become her friend and supports her wayward lifestyle. She will bully and control.....and play her "friendship" card when it suits her needs. He will be so confused about what he should do and not do as her friend.
IMHO, he cannot focus on being a friend to his wayward wife as long as she is openly disrespecting and rebelling against him and their MR. Once she is willing to stop the wayward behavior, and is willing to do the necessary work in saving the M..........then a friendship can develop as they slowly get back into the R.
If the WW is an emotional bully, I don't believe her H can afford to be a friend until he first gets control over his own actions, instead of her controlling them. Some H's have been controlled for so long........they don't even recognize it, and think that's what M is.........but that's not right. A bully does not respect the person they control, and she certainly is no friend!
In MWD's books, she doesn't appear to separate wayward wives from walk-away wives. I believe the true reasons of why the W wants out of the M is extremely important. If she is not wayward...............then I could understand the H trying to gain her friendship first.
If the H is going to be detached, it seems to me that he has to look at her with a detached VP and decide if he wants to be friends with a person like her.
I may stand alone on this topic. I just don't believe a spouse who wants out of the M gets to have it both ways. As long as they have the best of both worlds.........the longer they will remain in both worlds.
If you are not good enough to be her H, I think you have to ask yourself if you want to settle for friendship.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I snooped a few weeks ago and found several hundred texts from my W to a co-worker (OM), so there was some form of an EA there. But it went on for about a week, and then there were 4 texts from my W to OM, and then they just stopped all together (no secret messaging apps install or anything either).
There have been less than a handful of texts from OM to her, since then, in the past 2 weeks or so, but she has never responded to any of them. So I think she either ended it, or told him she can't do this right now, or something along those lines. She has yet to admit the EA to me, and I haven't pressed the issue in fear or her knowing I "snooped/spyed/etc".
Since she's ended that contact and response ti OM (he's in a M too), Coach thought it was best to start with the Friendship rebuilding, and then deal with the problems later (I agree). But since she refuses to be around me physically, in the same house, it's been a struggle on whether I detach and make her realize what she's missing, vs becoming a true friend to her and someone she can start to rely on for sharing herself with me again.
I know patience is key, but I feel that if I continue the 'friendship' route, it's just going to lead her into thinking that I'm not going to fight her in her choice of not wanting to ever work on our M or R in the future.
Should I continue this friendship route, or start to detach and make her realize what she's missing by leaving as a LBH?
I think it matters a great deal if the W is wayward. B/c of her mindset, she will not respect a man who settles to become her friend and supports her wayward lifestyle. She will bully and control.....and play her "friendship" card when it suits her needs. He will be so confused about what he should do and not do as her friend.
IMHO, he cannot focus on being a friend to his wayward wife as long as she is openly disrespecting and rebelling against him and their MR. Once she is willing to stop the wayward behavior, and is willing to do the necessary work in saving the M..........then a friendship can develop as they slowly get back into the R.
Thanks for the response sandi2, please review my last post, as well as this follow up question and let me know what you think...
It appears she WAS Wayward with an EA, but there's been no solid proof, or admittance of this, only phone records to the guy that I haven't shown her yet.
Those same records indicate they are no longer speaking, he's texting her 1-2 times a week, she's not responding.
However, she's still standing her ground on NOT wanting to work on the R and saying she wants out, but it's been over a week and she still hasn't filed, or moved out... she's only "forcing" a strict 'no common time in the house' schedule. we work together on who gets what days, etc...
Should this be viewed as a WW or a WAW in this concept? It seems to be kind of in the middle to me, but I'm very close to withdrawing completely and detaching, against the word of my coach. Not sure if that's right or now. any help????
Please stick to one thread you've reached 100 postings/replies. The reason for the limitation on postings is that it makes it easier for readers to post to you and not have to go to more than one thread at a time. Also, it's easier for you to link threads and be able to go back and check your progress along the way.
Cadet will most likely merge your two threads together tomorrow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please stick to one thread you've reached 100 postings/replies. The reason for the limitation on postings is that it makes it easier for readers to post to you and not have to go to more than one thread at a time. Also, it's easier for you to link threads and be able to go back and check your progress along the way.
Cadet will most likely merge your two threads together tomorrow.
yes sir, and i apologize. I thought the 'topic' would relate more to a general consensus that my story alone. thanks and i'll stick to the other thread now.
You are very new to the forum and we all have done the same thing in the beginning.
BTW, you can change the subject at any time when you post a new reply.
Don't apologize...we all have been there and done that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
