My wife told me 4 weeks ago she wanded to separate, no happy, loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore! Next day when pressed she stated she was having an EA but not a PA out of respect for me, but felt she could have a relationship with this person in the future!
What follow was a week from hell, live separate life's in he same house, she told parent and discussed it with another family member and did a complete turn around, asked me to move to a new house/area to start again, I agreed and we had 1 1/2 good weeks before she stated she had met OM again and had feeling for him!
That's was 1/2 week ago, she has spoke to parent again who have stated they are disgusted in her behaviour and cant believe she would do this to our 3 children and that I treat her like a princess!
She stated we have a great life, I'm a great husband, dad etc, but can't shake feelings for the OM 23 years her senior!! We continue to live together as she seem not able to tell me her plans, I have start the detaching process, she keeps asking me where I'm going, who with, can't understand why I don't want to talk all the time! She says she needs space and time however it pretty clear she is seeing OM.
I struggling with GAL as I'm so heart broken! Any advice would be good
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Blueboy. Welcome to the community. I think the most encouraging piece I can give you is to tell you that I was a wayward wife.........and my M was saved. This DB board has helped so many people in saving their marriages......and even more importantly, saving themselves. So I encourage you to read everything on Cadet's list, post every chance you have, and stick with us. This is not going to be fixed overnight.
Most newcomers are in panic palace when they get here and their mind racing and feelings bouncing all over the place. They feel the urgency to do SOMETHING to stop the spouse from leaving or filing for divorce. Your challenge right now is to try and calm yourself. The more afraid you are, the more chance you will react the wrong way.
In most cases here on the board, things get worse before getting better. So, when you think it's getting worse, it doesn't necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Okay?
You need a guide to know how to interact with her, what to do, etc. Sandi's rules may be able to get you started.
Let me ask some questions. What are the ages of you and wife, and the kids? Has anything similar ever happened in the past? Either of you ever have inappropriate contact with another person? How has your sex life been the past few years?
The more you can tell us about the marital history, the more it helps us to see the overall picture.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi blue, I'm sorry to see you here, but you are in the right place... Listen to Sandi, she is one of the respected vets here and I'll help you stay the course... Right now my advice to you would be don't get into relationship talks with your WW, trust me when I say it takes time to know how to handle them...
There are lots of people willing to listen here, so spew your questions and anger here, not to your W.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm 40 and she is 37, Kids are 10, 12, we have been together 19 years, I had inappropriate contact with someone early in our marriage over 7 years ago, thought we had work through I've work hard to address my issue, people often comment I'm the perfect husband and dad, think I've over done it at times! Sex life has always been good, but has reduce in the last 12 months. Wife lost a a lot of weigh 2 years ago and has change from a we on who love her kids to someone who what to go out, on a regular basis, going out with a other married mum who is know for PA, never worried as thought we were solid as my wife always state she couldn't understand her behaviour.
I guess karma gets you in the end
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
I am sorry you are going through the same situation that many of us on this forum are. We are here to support.
With respect to your W introducing the kids to OM, you need to understand and communicate your boundary on this matter to your W. Please make sure you read the link that Cadet posted on boundaries.
Post your answer here for good advice from the vets to ensure your response is appropriate before you respond to your W.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
What follow was a week from hell, live separate life's in he same house
Is she calling you separated in the marriage? If so, how exactly are you separated? I mean, she still shares the MBR, right? Why isn't she sleeping elsewhere? Have the bank accounts and credit cards been separated? Is she paying equally on household expenses, car, insurance, etc.? Any property separated? How about family activities? Have either of you separated yourselves from joining together in those things? Has anything changed?
She is caught up in a fantasy, probably of her own making. She will remain in this fantasy as long as she doesn't have to deal with reality. As long as she gets part of her needs by you and the rest of her needs by OM.......she won't end the A. Her selfishness will supersede everything else.
Do you know if this OM has reciprocated her admiration? Is he married, have children at home? How long has she worked with him?
Her actions/behavior with this OM started b/c she lost respect for you as a man/husband. Before she can have loving feelings for you again, she will have to respect you. That is how women are wired. We don't like it, but that's how it is.
I don't know what happened in the past, however, I dare say over the years she has held onto resentments. And, btw, a man doesn't have to be involved in anything particularly, in order for the W to feel resentment. In time, she feels more and more disrespect for him. It often shows in her attitude, and in how she talks to him, etc. Does any of this sound familiar?
After your own inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, and you tried to become the perfect H (and onlookers thought you were), I am curious as to what did you do to obtain that position? Without knowing if you had an A or any of the details, I am going to take a wild guess and you can tell me if I am anywhere in the ball park. I bet you felt really bad about whatever happened. To make it up to your W, you became what you thought was a perfect H. You treated her like a princess, being very attentive to all her needs and catering to all her wishes. You would bend over backward to make her happy (by doing whatever she wanted), staying home and mainly engaging in only kids/family activities.
Did you and your W receive professional help when you worked through your issues seven years ago.....or did you seek individual counseling?
Quote:
WW has just ask me if its ok to introduce the children to OM if she decides to move in with him! It's like jumping in to a bath of ice.
You look straight into her eyes and say, "Are you asking my permission to introduce my children to the guy who is doing my wife? Incredible"!! Shake your head and walk away.
You will discover that a WW will ask or say some incredibly stupid things. If it catches you off guard, just stare at her as if she has lost her mind, shake your head and turn away.
Have you been following the 37 rules? Read the homework assignment?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Nothing in the house has changed other than her having time away from the house to have space to think, more then likely seeing OM, and saying she wants separate. We have had family dinners all together etc!
OM was meet on night out and then they chat via Facebook he is 23 year older than my W, he's wife left him after an A, my wife says they have a lot in common.
I had a A, and the commited to fix my issue and pretty much did exactly as you have wrote, it amazing how close you have got.
We had no help as wife wanted no one to know, I had help for breavement as my mum dead from a brain tumor, a couple year before my A, I didn't handle my mum death very well and realise after A hoe bigger impact it had on me!
I have read the 37!
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
