we did have a toxic past at times. but we've both identified the issues are are actively working to change them.
i dont feel like shes keeping me on the hook to see what else is out there. i really feel like she needs some breathing room and wants to take things super slow with the intent of building trust.
things got very nasty between us about a year ago when we first split. and right now, we are both testing the waters.
yesterday she text me in the morning, saying that she would like to learn about me and why i had the explosion on sunday night. that we should talk about good things and the future. that she is "in it" "but not ready to fully commit yet. " i said yes, i would like to talk with you about all of that in person, and that i like the interaction that we have been having lately.
night time comes, and she knows my schedule and i know hers, she takes no action to take advantage of a golden opportunity to get together and talk. but instead, give me half @** attempts at texting for an hour, sporadically (which means she was out at the bar, or something similar) and i just stopped texting and went to bed.
now, she invited me over tonight to hang out and sit by the campfire. to which i gave a maybe, ill let ya know, i might have to work etc.
on one hand im happy that she is seeing things in a more hopeful light, and wants to hang out (reconnect) but on the other hand, im disappointed that i haven't made it to her priority spot yet. time will tell. im trying to keep some distance, but reward her with my attention, if you will.
while we were separated the first time, she had a bf and i had several gf. its a touchy subject, that we may have finally put to bed. im not going to scratch the scab back open right now.
She came over last night. we talked a lot. She says that she is in this, but not fully ready to commit. She feels that we need to look at this, as if we just met each other for the very first time a few weeks ago. and that we need to start from square one.
I agreed to all of this. and it makes a little more sense to me now about how she feels and how she is dealing with everything.
I suggested that we stop sitting around talking and rehashing all the old stuff, and instead, start having fun together. we then made plans to possibly go on a hike together this weekend (kids included) and instead of her coming over to talk, instead come over to watch a move, or play games etc.
she agreed that this is a good route to take. that we should do this for a little while and if it goes well, that we should start dating.........
im not getting my hopes too high right now though. i am happy that things seem promising, but she is still back and forth. good days and not so good days. however, 2 nights in a row, she told me that she was looking at old pictures of me and of us and she thought that i looked "hot". that its the first time she felt that way about me in a year +.
i am confused, which i not an easy thing for me. lol
thursday night she come over to talk. it went well. she gave me the im not "ready to commit speech. i wanna take things slow, lets get together with the kids for a few hours on saturday, but i dont want to spend the whole weekend together"
then she gives me $200, and says that ive been paying for a lot of stuff for the kids lately (sports)
i didnt ask for any money from her, and i didnt ask to spend any time with her on the weekend. (its my weekend with the kids)
so fast forward to friday the kids and i are out doing things and i get a text from her that she is having a small get together and that it would be cool if the kids and i came over. so a few hours later we go over and have a good time.
saturday, she comes hiking and swimming with us. it goes well. we drop her off at her house and tell her of our plans for the night and we leave. an hour later she text me and says, if you guys get done before 830pm. lets all go catch a movie together. so we do.
during that time, she gets a text from mutual friends of ours, inviting us all over for dinner on sunday (today) so the kids can all play together and the adults and do adult stuff. so she invites me and the kids to that with her.
so what the heck is going on? her words say one thing and her actions are completely 180 different. except that he demeanor is cautious around me. there is no loving physical contact. but there is some joking around physical contact. yesterday, i was sitting on a rock, and she come and sat down next to me for 10 min. we didnt touch, but we did talk and laugh. when we went to the movies, one of the kids sat between us. (this was no accident on her part)
so it leaves me to wonder....am i and the kids her boredom escape? is she using me to just to see the kids on her weekend off? or is she testing the waters with me? she has been getting just slightly closer and more comfortable around me over the last several weeks. but she is definitely keeping both physical a emotional distance from me.
which leads me to the next thing. ive been reading a lot about mid life crisis. and identity crisis. and she seems to have gone through all the stages and now into withdrawal. but i dont know if it was a true mlc .....it was some type of crisis. and if this is true, she seems to be at the point where she wants our marriage to work, but is afraid. she come out of her hole, walks towards me, gets ever so close, trips over a feeling and runs back to her hole for a few days. im doing my best to let her come to me. and not scare her away. let her see that im there as a great option. but not try to sell it to her like a used car salesman.
yesterday went great. we all had a good time at the get togher. afterwards, she invited me over to hang out. once the kids went to bed, we sat on the porch and talked like old friends for 2 hours. then she invited me over to swim and supper for tonight.
still no physical touch on her part. she actually walks away to the other side of the room when i put my shoes on to leave, so that there was no chance that i would try to hug her or what ever. she did this same thing last year, when we were trying things out.
It's only been six weeks of NC with OM. She is not ready for physical contact! Obviously, she feels that you will want to rush right into all the touchy-touchy phase, and she probably knows you will see it as rejection if she tries to tell you she's not at that point yet.
Before you can work up to the point of hugs/kisses, she will need to get use to your non-sexual touches.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
