LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[melweb]

Blu--- I have not been over here in Newcomers for quite a while. I have been over in MLC for at least a couple of months. I am not sure why I popped over here today, but I am so glad I did!!

My H is 49. and having an A with a married woman. He has tried to end it (so he says) and has been in/out/on-the-fence for 6 months. He moved out Saturday. While I truly believe the A has a snowballs chance in H@ll as she lives 3 hours away in another state, he is clearly still in the fog!!

Your words are encouraging and supportive, and you give some really sound advice. I hope you and your H continue on the piecing path, however rocky it may seem, because you are both worth it!

[Phoebe]

I'm glad that the triggers are fading, Blu. I look forward to that stage.

This is a strange one, but as we were leaving the room after my BAN meeting last week, there was a sign for a Zumba class. The woman at the meeting cringed, and looked at me and said "Zumba is a trigger for me." No explanation, but I could see it really bothered her.

The worst thing is that they can be anywhere, and we never know when we'll come across them. I don't even know what might trigger me. A few weeks ago a sweet older man, maybe 80 years old, held a door for me at a fast food restaurant, and I noticed the wedding ring on his finger. I barely got out to my car before I started crying. I mean, who can prepare for that? A simple kindness as a trigger? In reality, it was the ring and the man's age that were the trigger. It made me realize the likelihood that I may never grow old with my H.

[PacLove]

Blu,

Thanks for posting - I especially liked your take on how we need to stop thinking about what they are doing and reading into them all the time - since their motives are all over the place right now and even they half the time do not know what they are doing and are in a very confused state. It helped me look at my W in a different perspective, as she's truly been all over the map in our 6 weeks of separation, some days engaging and nice and some days distant and cold.

Appreciate seeing someone out on the other end and making progress!

[PacLove]

Hi Blu,

Quick question for you. Did you ever expose your H's A and have friends/family talk to him about it?

[Natus]

Hi Paclove, i exposed my W EA with her boss to her office by screenshot her bosses messages to my W and sending it to her office group chat.

It worked well for me but i live in an asiasn culture where infidelity is a major shame and the OM is married as well. I also live in a small country where everyone knows everyone so it makes it harder for OM to make any moves now.

I did not expose it to family and friends. For me nothing to gain from that to be honest except more hurt and shame.

[Rose888]

Hi Paclove, i exposed my W EA with her boss to her office by screenshot her bosses messages to my W and sending it to her office group chat.

It worked well for me but i live in an asiasn culture where infidelity is a major shame and the OM is married as well. I also live in a small country where everyone knows everyone so it makes it harder for OM to make any moves now.

I did not expose it to family and friends. For me nothing to gain from that to be honest except more hurt and shame.

Your wife's company also apparently has a lax security policy. Giving my husband access to office group chats would get me fired.

[Natus]

Hi Rose888 its not the official office chat group but a whatsapp chatgroup they created for their office. Technically if i wanted him fired i could have sent the screenshots to HR and religious Authority.

[BluWave]

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the late response; been busy with work, kiddos, and life just gets in the way doesn't it. Still dealing with some issues in my own piecing sitch too. And boy, when I'm truggered, the PTSD kicks in and I feel this complete visceral response. Safety! Attack! Sometimes the brain and body just can't align. My small daily triggers are fading--those little reminders eveywhere--but when I get into it with H, i can really I lose my $hit. I feel like I turn into the alien now! This is why I keep saying again and again, keep focusing in YOU, take care of YOU, because if they come back, It won't just be easier! You gotta be healthy and strong to tackle this business.

So, did I expose my H's A? Well I didn't have to because those two dummies got caught red handed and we live in a small town and know all the same people. Sigh. So they had developed this "friendship" behind my back and I guess H just justified it by 1. it was not physical so it's not an A, and 2. rewriting histriry, I don't appreciate him, he deserves his own friends, blah, blah, blah. So when it blew up and I realized they were hanging out, I FLIPPED my lid! I was a hysterical mess! So what did he do? Ran. And then of course I cried, begged, guilted him some more, and what did he do? Ran further!

And who was in the backround waiting and pursing??? Ding, ding, ding! OW. So after we separated, the EA went to PA and they had a full blown (all rocky and drama) R for about a year. I am pretty sure many people were on to them. I know many that know still. And I heavily relied on my family and fiends for support. I def told too many people, but I was such a mess at the time. So, they were further isolated and I think that's why they clung so tight.

I have to run, but I want to revisit and share my thoughts on the nice guy syndrome (for lack of a better term). I think that had everything to do with how H got to this point and how I had no idea my "wonder, perfect, nice guy" H was silently suffering and checking out.

-Blu

[BluWave]

Things have been up and down these past few days and I realize we are still very much on a roller coaster while piecing. Even tho the little triggers are fading, the PTSD gets me and I lose all control. When I am triggered and we argue, I feel shaky, emotional, sick in the pit of my stomach and it's fight or flight! Which for me means FIGHT! So I need to work on taking a step back, not reacting right away, and letting myself calm down, breath, and think outside of myself. I stopped going to marriage therapy a couple months ago--just didn't see how it was helping anymore--but now H is insisting we go back. So I am thinking about that.

Last night we had a talk. I allowed myself to remain calm, ask some of the hard questions, and really listen to the answers. i let myself cry--and not that shaky, angry, frustrated cry--but deep sadness and grief. It was incredibly painful but cathartic at the same time.

He didn't tell me anything he hasn't told me before. But even a year later, some of it is still sinking in. Yes, he did this, yes he had an A, left his family, and tortured me. He made a terrible mistake and regrets it every day. The more time goes on, the more he understands just what a mistake it was. And as he answers my questions, it is the advice here that I can see makes sense. When I was cold and angry, I pushed him away. When I was cordial and just myself, he missed me. He didn't love OW--he loved how she made him feel about himself.

I need to run--kiddos have sports all day--but I just wanted to share. As hopeless as everything may feel today, life is never stagnant, and things are always changing. He is completely different person now. And the longer he is out of the fog, the more clearly he can see how distorted his life was. Who knows, maybe he would not have had this self growth without this happening.

-Blu

[Ralph88]

Blu.. We are all here to support you as you have been helping us. It really sounds to me that you are still have a hard time forgiving and trying to forget. All Ms are hard, I couldn't image piecing in one. Life is about struggles, you're there together, it's worth the shot, it may still end so try to enjoy this time you have together and live a little!!!!!! Good luck and prayers!!