Good morning Phoebe. I hope you slept well and had peaceful dreams. Have a wonderful, pencil smile, neature kind of day. I look forward to hearing from you and how you are doing.
(((Phoebe)))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi Phoebe, I don't always post but I always enjoy reading about the description of your place and your daily activities.
They sound so bucolic and remind me of Jane Austen.
Glad that you're stepping out of your comfort zone with your new meetup groups. You've inspired me to do the same and to incorporate more of nature into my GAL.
Hope you'll have a great weekend!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Well, I spent a few more wasted hours stewing instead of sleeping last night. I read a post from Cadet in a new thread that said most Ms here are over at BD, it's just that the LBS isn't able to accept it.
I guess I already kind of knew that, but it was pretty discouraging to see it put right out there in black and white in the first couple posts of a brand new person's thread. Why call it DB at all if a D is a foregone conclusion? I mean I get that we all need to GAL and all that, but why pretend there's hope if there's really not much chance of anything but a D?
It was just kind of harsh to see, I guess, and it bothered me. And then I wondered why it took me so long to see it explicitly stated like that. Maybe it's everywhere here and I missed it by sticking to a handful of threads so I could get to know them better. There have been a few cases where the WS came back, and I guess I sort of kept that in mind as a possibility.
I'm a data person. I would be nice to know what the data really shows.
Anyway, I slept eventually. I'm just feeling discouraged this morning, wondering why, if it's a foregone conclusion, I shouldn't just hit the D button with the L and get the process moving along, even if I don't want that outcome.
what's the point of the whole lighthouse thing...
Well, sorry to be a bummer this morning. I'm just a lowly scribe for my brain, and that's what's kicking around up there right now.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Hey, Phoebe! I've been following your posts a lot.
I'm a data person, as well, but in this case I guess I just don't care. I want to have and keep that .00001% chance, that door cracked open, hope alive. I believe I'm dealing with a MLCer, so I post over there more often now, and I realize its a long, long road. But to me, he's still worth it. I guess you give up when YOU decide your S no longer is worth it. No data can actually show you that, or show how many are back together unhappy, never left M and just putting up for the sake of convenience, or happily living together but not renewing vows.
I love that you are enjoying the hiking meetups. Those were a lifesaver for me. I'm an introvert by nature and those meetups in the early days kept me busy, helped my PMA, and garnered me a few amazing friends (my "friends" were all connected to my outgoing, friendly H and were gone as soon as he was). There are great people you will meet, and some you will just click with. You will form a IRL support group (system?) in no time. Keep that up, summer is here!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Well, I spent a few more wasted hours stewing instead of sleeping last night. I read a post from Cadet in a new thread that said most Ms here are over at BD, it's just that the LBS isn't able to accept it.
I guess I already kind of knew that, but it was pretty discouraging to see it put right out there in black and white in the first couple posts of a brand new person's thread. Why call it DB at all if a D is a foregone conclusion? I mean I get that we all need to GAL and all that, but why pretend there's hope if there's really not much chance of anything but a D?
It was just kind of harsh to see, I guess, and it bothered me. And then I wondered why it took me so long to see it explicitly stated like that. Maybe it's everywhere here and I missed it by sticking to a handful of threads so I could get to know them better. There have been a few cases where the WS came back, and I guess I sort of kept that in mind as a possibility.
I'm a data person. I would be nice to know what the data really shows.
Anyway, I slept eventually. I'm just feeling discouraged this morning, wondering why, if it's a foregone conclusion, I shouldn't just hit the D button with the L and get the process moving along, even if I don't want that outcome.
what's the point of the whole lighthouse thing...
Well, sorry to be a bummer this morning. I'm just a lowly scribe for my brain, and that's what's kicking around up there right now.
The data is grim. The fact is the vast majority of those that post on this forum don't salvage their marriages.
But just because we likely won't get what we want, it doesn't mean it's not worth DBing. Life itself is a hopeless battle in the sense that we will all lose everything and die. It's not that we can fight and achieve immortality, but it's the way in which we lose everything and our celebration of what touched while we were here that gives it meaning.
For the rest of your life you'll know there was nothing more you could have done to salvage your relationship. For the rest of your life you will be a better person. For the rest of your life you will have skills that will help you deal with the inevitable suffering in our world. This is why we DB.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Have you read about the stockdale paradox? Sort of like be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. Most of us find our way here when our M are in dire straits. The thing is that if we don't even try, then there wouldn't even be a fighting chance.
I believe that many was/wws regret their choices, usually years down the road. But even if they do regret their choices, they may not do anything about it. Or we would have moved on.
I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse but I have read here of DBers who R 2 to 7 years post BD, and even D. Not many but it happens.
And though they say most Wws don't end up marrying their APs, there are those who do.
I don't know how to feel about all these numbers since I really don't know which category I/xh will fall into.
Which is why I finally understand why they say here that you have to save yourself first and to work on yourself. That's the only thing that is really within our control.
You are doing great and getting back the control of your life.
I agree that it [censored] though and I wish that we didn't have to go through all this pain.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I loved the stockdale paradox. Very enlightening and good information to apply.
Phoebe, today is a new day and as you continue to engage in thepositive activities that you have set up, you will strengthen and heal. You will know when the time is right to face what you must. Meanwhile as you are in a good place, you can set the plan that will guide you.
I will look to hear your thoughts on the stockdale paradox.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
