That certainly stings that you are on the hook for your ex's unemployment. Are you going to wait until the subject comes up or have an upfront talk with her about it - I say this with curiosity as the person who never has a frank discussion with my ex about anything.
I can't talk to my STBX either. I avoid contacts as much as possible and it pains me to know that I'll have to interact forever. Looking inside, I think I'm trying to punish her by ignoring her -- it's painful to be ignored and she ignored me a lot before and during BD. I might be getting back at her for that. Otherwise, as I said above, I'd rather starve any emotion I have for her and certainly don't want to express the anger I have towards her.
So, no, I'm not going to talk about it with her until she figures it out and makes a proposal. I don't want to create a preemptive fight, in case she has the wisdom to avoid asking me for money. She already laid the ground for such a request however, telling me that she needs the money. I'll have to respond in writing to choose my words carefully... My short point will be: I'll have to dig into my savings to pay you, why don't you dig into your own?
Bu something happened yesterday: she made a mistake that created a 500$ bill with the mediation lawyer. She recognized her error and offered to pay the bill. I suspect that are parents are paying for the D. She just lost her job and was always tight, so I can't imagine she has an extra 500$ for this.
Originally Posted By: raliced
I hope you have a lovely vacation with NG. I find having something to look forward to really helps my mindset. My ex MIL (need to come up with a better name for her) and I are going to take my girls to the big island of Hawaii this summer and I find myself doing a little happy research every night.
Absolutely: I'm not a fan of surprises precisely because I prefer to revel in the anticipation. I just booked the vacation a month in advance and I'll be dreaming of sea, sand, sun and a certain girl in a bikini (or not) until then. Hawaii is a great destination! It's where I got engaged and NG has been twice already and really wants to go back. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The mediation is over. We have the signed agremment. Now it's up to STBX to contact the lawyer we chose last summer. Her father is visiting from abroad, so I expect some delays. I can't wait for the papers though. One less thing to deal with.
We had a bit of a tense (by our standards) email exchange about an insurance amount that ended up with her telling me "I think we've established that what's obvious to you isn't for me, so just tell me what you want. Thanks" Sounds like a burn, if the exchange was about what I wanted, but it was about clarifying insurance eligibility that came from her job... It would be petty to explain in details but I bring it up because it reminded me of things about her that annoyed me greatly when we were together, and as the pain of S dissipates, it sort of feels good to remember those things and feel that they are behind us (mostly). I also bring it up because I feel my DB-levels of patience wearing off with her. I remind myself that DBing is mostly about me and that I've nothing to gain from being difficult. I didn't reply to her email, by the way.
Oh, I've decided to suspend my IC sessions. It's been 1.5 year, nonstop, once a week. I simply feel that I'm in a good enough place now, that these sessions have given me tools to navigate my life, and that I can take a break for a few weeks or months. I plan to see him again though, when I feel the need.
I had lunch with ex-FIL. We didn't mention the S even once, except maybe when he said "Oh well, life goes on" when we parted ways. We talked about the kids, his business, my job, his travels, the world, etc. I think this annual meeting is appropriate.
Not much to report about New Girl. Everything is fine, we spend time together when we can, we get to know each other and to become more comfortable with each other. It could go either way and I'm still not sure if we'll be together forever, 10 years or 10 weeks. I try not to worry about it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
On Monday, I felt down like I hadn't in at least six months. It could have to do with the fact that I spent some five minutes with STBX and the kids in front of my apartment the evening before (she was bringing them back after a special dinner with their visiting grandpa). It felt a bit like a family again, the four of us; a little weird but not bad. But the following morning, I was back in a post-BD state. I couldn't be bothered with work, couldn't even read the news and a whole set of feelings and behaviors that I had at the time. I went back to bd after dropping the kids at school and an hour later, I received an email from her about the lawyer's appointment. It will be our first of only two meetings, the one where we bring our papers and present the situation.
Then at midnight, she sent an email asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee before the lawyer's appointment. I was nervous because I thought she might want to tell me she'd spend a few weeks or months in her home country, given that she recently lost her job and her father is getting a serious operation. I agreed to meet, for the first time in over a year. Curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to get it over with. Also, I'm not as emotional as I used to be.
Turns out that she wanted to tell me that her parents bought her a condo (I told you they're well off) around here. She was somewhat worried it would get split in the D (it won't). It was good news for me because it means she has more roots here. She did say however that she intends to go back to her home region eventually. Her new condo is still a few minutes away from my apartment and near enough the school (12 minutes walk). She has a decorator redoing the place before moving in next month. Nice for someone who just lost her job... Oh and when talking about D4, she mentioned that she had no intention whatsoever of having another child. It's a possibility, given that OM is 30.
So after that meeting, I was suddenly feeling good. I guess it goes to show that my focus is on me (and the kids) and that I don't want to R one bit. These were good news for me (less threat of a move abroad) and a confirmation that her couple is serious (moving together again). This being said, a D and shared custody are big failures that still make me sad.
The meting with the lawyer is tomorrow afternoon.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Maybell. Emotionally, there's practically nothing to report. I cried a little in bed the night before, thinking about something D4 said earlier this week: "Your lover is mommy and she will return here." It breaks my heart that she still hopes for R — she's never mentioned it before and I wonder if she suffers more than she shows.
On the day of the appointment, I was fine and even productive. The appointment was late afternoon and went pretty much like a mortgage approval meeting. It was all facts and forms. The lawyer seemed competent, if not impressive. On the way out, STBX and I walked together for perhaps 20 minutes. She showed me the building of her newly-bought condo. We talked about some financial matters, the kids, etc. We'll get the paperwork in the coming days, will check it for accuracy and could sign it all next week.
All quiet on the Western front.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The signature of the D papers was postponed because our lawyer was bedridden. Too bad, I really wanted to be done with it before leaving on holiday with New Girl. It is now scheduled a couple of days after I return. Oh well.
I've decided to pay her unemployment benefits. Legally, I had no choice. I made my moral case to her and she rejected it. I talked with my best friend who made me realize that it was a lost battle so I was better to just pay and move on.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The signature of the D papers took about 20 minutes. STBX and I talked about the payment methods before and then about D8's homework afterwards. Her bike was awaiting her outside the office, she said "That's my ride", and I just said "OK bye" and kept walking. The signature part was all business. STBX had brought her own flashy pink pen though, the kind with multiple ink colors. She was intent on using it. I don't know why. I just used the lawyer's pen.
I had envisioned this moment tens of time in the year following the S. It was all very theatrical: I would imagine asking people to leave the office to let me have a good cry as I was dragging the pen on the paper, as if it were a carving in rock. Ha! To be honest, my hurry in getting it signed and showing no emotion was a bit theatrical in its own way. But it reflected where I stand, as I'm just a tad upset and want it to be over. Now, we're just awaiting the court papers.
She now says that the government might pay her unemployment benefits, but I doubt it. The immigration forms were very clear about my responsibilities and their duration. Anyway, I've written off this money already. I admit that not having to pay would be a big win, because it wouldn't cost me a cent and I would keep the moral high ground! People around me can't believe she dares asking me for more money after what she's done.
I had an excellent week in the sun with New Girl. We had a couple of deeper discussions. Mostly, our rhythms are different: I'm ready to plunge and she's had many false starts in love, so she's more cautious. In general, I'm the one adapting and letting her progress at her own pace. After we returned, I officially invited her to a friend's wedding this summer and she accepted. We also started talking about introducing her to the kids. It's been four months, so I think we're getting there without having rushed it.
Her father was recently diagnosed with inoperable tumors in his lungs. He's now awaiting tests to know if it's cancer, but it doesn't look good. It's giving a new dimension to our R as we deal with something more serious. I've seen her cry for the first time, as she worries about it. I try to be supportive and mostly to listen.
I just traveled for work and drummed up a lot of business. It gives me a good boost of motivation.
That's my update!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The signature of the D papers took about 20 minutes. STBX and I talked about the payment methods before and then about D8's homework afterwards. Her bike was awaiting her outside the office, she said "That's my ride", and I just said "OK bye" and kept walking. The signature part was all business. STBX had brought her own flashy pink pen though, the kind with multiple ink colors. She was intent on using it. I don't know why. I just used the lawyer's pen.
I had envisioned this moment tens of time in the year following the S. It was all very theatrical: I would imagine asking people to leave the office to let me have a good cry as I was dragging the pen on the paper, as if it were a carving in rock. Ha! To be honest, my hurry in getting it signed and showing no emotion was a bit theatrical in its own way. But it reflected where I stand, as I'm just a tad upset and want it to be over. Now, we're just awaiting the court papers.
Mozza- It's hard to believe that almost two years ago - I thought I would do anything to avoid that moment. In the end - I simply took them into a notary to sign and then almost forgot the day they were due to be presented to the judge. I didn't have to be there and at one point in my workday I realized it had been finalized that day.
Seriously, though, a flashy pink pen with multiple colors? Sounds EXACTLY like the one I got my 8 year old for Christmas.
When you say new girl has had false starts - has she been married? Or has it never gotten that far?
Well, New Girl and I are on a break now. It's her own initiative. I'm down, but I've seen much worse, as you all know. Is this a way to break up, softly? Perhaps, even if she seems honest about wanting some space to think (for 3 weeks). At this point, I'm trying to use the hard earned lessons of the S and D to deal with it: give her space, focus on myself, have fun, etc. It's mostly out of my hands and it's a good opportunity for myself to reflect on the R and if it was satisfying for me as well.
Originally Posted By: raliced
When you say new girl has had false starts - has she been married? Or has it never gotten that far?
It has never gotten that far. After a 4-year relationship in her late 20s, she's been in relationships that lasted 6 to 12 months for the last 6-7 years. Apparently, I'm about to be another one of these.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
