More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

Welcome to my latest thread! Yippee!!!! I don't even know how many previous threads there are at this point. Too many, but I'm still alive and kicking. Well... most days, at least.

So, here's a link to my last thread. I don't think I'll do a summary this time, either. Maybe on the next one.

Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676659&page=1

So, I've really been feeling pretty well for the last week, or so. My last crash was about a week ago, and I've been hanging in there since and have actually been feeling a bit better every single day this week.

I'm not saying that I haven't cried, though it's way less this week. My grief homework was difficult, emotionally, as was talking to my grief counselor about that work, but beyond that, I've been OK. NC has been a really good thing for me. I wish I'd gotten to that point sooner, instead of doing those stupid Questions for Couples. I guess that's what happens when you think you're piecing, but really your H is lying his little tail off. S, anyway, time and distance from him has given me a chance to do some healing. No news is the best news right now. NC means nothing to upset the apple cart, so to speak.

This week I've been working outside a lot, I went to an Audubon club meeting which was awesome, I visited a new state park and hiked around (also great), and I've spent a good bit of quality time with people, either on the phone or in person. All in all, a lot of good stuff. I ate both breakfast and lunch with my Mom today, too. Actually I eat breakfast at their house almost every day, which is part of the reason I sleep at the other house every night - I have guaranteed daily contact with my parents with that plan.

It's a rainy day here today, but the birds don't care a bit. I sat outside on a glider at my farm with my Mom for a while and we just enjoyed all the activity around us. The fields are full of Canada geese out grazing, bobolinks are singing their bubbly song, the Baltimore orioles have returned, red-wing black birds are everywhere, cardinals, robins, song sparrows, barn and tree swallow are swooping all over collecting bugs. The birds are everywhere. I drove my Dad's tractor on an errand today (as a favor for him) and I saw a hairy woodpecker, a bald eagle (super cool!), and lots of mallards on that trip, just from inside the cab!

Right now I can hear the oriole singing outside! I love my birds, both domestic and wild. Speaking of domestic birdies, I sold 4 dozen eggs in the last 24 hours! Go chicks! I had enough eggs to replace one dozen in my roadside honor box, but beyond that I am cleaned out! It's a nice place to be. I like being able to produce real food on my little farm. I also delivered a huge bunch of asparagus as well as a dozen eggs to my Mom.

It's rhubarb season, as well.

So my gardens are now all tilled, and my parents are going to plant some stuff here this year, too, as my ambition isn't all that high. Rescuing my perennial veggie and berry plot is enough of a project for me this year, as well as my ongoing war on invasive species. I'll help them with their garden here, instead. They also garden at their own house. We've grown some gorgeous huge tomato plants that will go out in a couple more weeks, lots of pepper plants, and cabbage starts already, so those will all have to be planted.

Speaking of invasive species, Painter, you asked about birds nesting in the roses, and my answer is that the shrubs are not yet leafed out, and I have not seen a single nest in them this year. Actually, over the last 5 years, I have only seen a single nest in the roses ever, and that was a vireo nest.

Roses do provide lots of food and cover for birds, though. I do feel slightly bad on that front, but the down side of allowing the birds to eat the rose hips is that they spread the seeds far and wide, leading to ever more multiflora roses. The plants are pretty, and smell incredible, but they are evil. Each shrub can form a thicket 15 feet around and almost as tall. Given free reign, they have taken over acres of my farm. They climb into trees, like as my gorgeous ancient apples, and make harvest a nightmare. You can't even walk in the rose areas; it's physically impossible to move once they grab you. They shred your skin and clothes.

Most disturbingly, the thickets provide a cool moist environment at their feet which is a perfect home for ticks. In the land of Lyme disease, that's not a good thing. So, I watch for bird nests, but luckily the roses here just aren't used much for nesting. The birds love the newly exposed ground, though. It makes hunting for insects much easier! Maybe they're eating those newly vulnerable ticks? Dare to dream...

I'm looking at weekend MeetUps, and there are some nice hiking opportunities. To be honest, with all the miles that I have spent on trail, I have never done so in a group. Sometimes we hiked with another couple for a few miles, but It's kind of strange to even contemplate a group hike. I just need to try it out, I guess. SO, I'm off to fill the rest of the day.

Hi to Sotto, Painter, Vanilla, Sadhub, Cherry, Blu, Focus, and anyone else that's checked in on me lately. Thank you. I love that there are other thrift store fans here, too.

Oh, that was interesting about the Somatic Experience Therapy, Painter. I suppose if I only shook now and again it wouldn't be a big deal, but every waking hour for months is getting kind of old. I will say that it has been better the last few days. YEAH!!

[Phoebe]

OK, so I did it. I signed up for a group hike on Sunday with a group called Women Outdoors. Looking forward to it.

[Cherry]

Phoebe, I really see a strength coming from you. I love this post and love to hear that you are doing better! NC clearly is working wonders for your PMA.

And I'm glad to hear that you've signed up to a group hike. I'm a big believer in fresh air and the great outdoors for making you feel better.

Big hugs lovely

[Painter]

Phoebe, thank you for sharing your day and very vivid description of your land - I could see it all in my mind.

It sounds like you should get some Guinea hens - they will eat all the ticks you have and alert you to visitors, as well!

It's neat that you are stepping out of your comfort zone to go hiking with a group! (No pun intended.)

I just requested to join a local art Meetup group. I hope to find a group who wants to meet weekly to work together, like an open studio setting.

[Phoebe]

Hey Cherry!

Today was good. I was playing around outside getting my lawn mowers back in shape for the season (0 for 2 working, as an aside, so I've got tomorrow's project lined up already), and I actually thought that if I never saw H again, I'd be OK. It's the first time that thought has crossed my mind. Ever. It feels like a major milestone.

Of course, it's also utterly unrealistic. Something has to happen eventually, either R or D, and either one will involve a whole lot more work and pain, but for now I'm content to coast along in the State of Denial. I'm liking the peace and quiet right now. Less drama = less trauma.

So, my I asked my dad for help with those non-working lawn mowers, and he just so happens to need help with his tractor, so it's a nice symbiosis. I like these kind of hands-on projects, especially when they come with bonus social contact, so it's a good plan for tomorrow. I like working with my Dad. I don't go to him for sympathy, but he is my go-to guy when I'm working on a project.

Then Sunday is the group hike MeetUp, So I've got plans lined up through Monday night now.

Sotto, you'll be proud of me. I signed up for another kind of Meetup today. (You suggested adding an activity per month, so I went for it!) This one is a brand new group that's having it's very first meeting, so I'm getting in on the ground floor with new people. I like the idea that no one knows each other. Anyway, it's a homesteading and permaculture group, so it should be right up my alley!

Oh, and in other news, I should have a brand new colony of honeybees coming to my farm in the middle of next week. I've wanted to keep bees forever, and I am super excited to finally have a chance. A local beekeeper is bringing over a wild swarm that he caught a couple weeks ago. He's watched them for a couple weeks and says they seem good-tempered and healthy, so he thinks they'll be good for me to learn with. It'll be his colony and equipment, but he's going to teach me in exchange for keeping them in my fields. It doesn't get any better than having an experienced mentor when you're learning a new skill set! Anyway, it's a pretty major GAL activity for me, and one that has almost nothing to do with H. Priceless.

I hope that everyone gets some good sleep tonight. Goodness knows we could all use it.

[Phoebe]

Hey painter! I was typing away and missed your post. Nice job joining your local art MeetUp! I have always wished that I had an ounce of artistic talent. Sadly... not so much.

I've actually thought about adding Guinea hens! Given that I've only been keeping chickens for a year now, I'm definitely still in the learning phase with poultry. Guineas always make me smile when I see them with their silly clown-like faces. The one drawback is that they are noisy. Luckily, my farm seems not to have a high tick burden, or they would have been my first poultry experience.

Actually all three of the MeetUps I've joined are outside my comfort zone. I am just not a group person. I'm working on that. Nothing for it but to do it, right? Actually I think I've joined something like 6 MeetUp groups, but I've only RSVP'ed for three events. (BAN meeting last week, the women's outdoors group home Sunday, and the new homesteading group on Monday)

The Audubon meetings I found on my own and the next one is on Wednesday.

It's good to have some activities lined up.

[Zues126]

Thanks for dropping by on my thread Phoebe. I've been a bit removed from the forums lately, I think I am feeling better geared to talking to people dealing with the aftermath of loss right now than to those in the first 90 days looking for strategies on how to handle daily interactions. Unfortunately it looks like you might be in that group.

I haven't read your sitch, but your signature says a lot. I'm really sorry for your loss. My god. Not trying to open up a wound, but what the heck, it's still open. That is really hard. I'm so sorry you're here, and that the person you invested so much in made the decision to destroy it all. The road is so hard and if there's anything we can do to make any hour of it easier I hope we can.

Good for you for the meetups groups. I'm a super introvert as well. Online chess, books, and talks with the same group of a few selected friends. That's my scene. I could do more to get out, but I've made it through the worst of it and now I'm back to how I like to live my life. But right now I agree you need to involve other people and new experiences. Not that that is going to be the 'new you', but honestly just to distract you until some more time passes. And one of the best reasons to GAL is that sometimes you'll find ways to meet some of the emotional needs that were being met in your R. Even if your M was as bad as mine in the end (not talking for a year or two), just having other people know who you are, that you're here on this rock, etc, it is really good. I know it takes a lot of energy at a time you don't have much, so good job.

Anyway, I got nothing. Take care and hoping for some nice weather for your hikes.

[Phoebe]

Thanks for the kind words, Zeus. I'm kind of with you in that I have a very hard time reading brand new posts. The pain is so raw in new threads, particularly when I am still struggling myself. I can't really look at my own early posts. Heck, just a couple last week were pretty rough!

I am in absolute limbo, annoy a particularly optimistic one, but I'm hanging in there. H's complete absence us an improvement over being strung along for the first few months.

Anyway, thank you for checking in on me. I'm sorry that you're here, too. If it had to happen, at least we've found ourselves in good company!

[SH_]

I love the details of your wonderful outdoor paradise.
I am so excited to see you are doing well and in a good place.
I have had a good day over all, but it was busy. My d5 was adorable today in her performance and I got the biggest hug ever. Such a proud daddy I was today.
D17 attended a very cool conference for women entrepreneurs and was just tickled to death at the whole thing. She is introverted like her dad, but stepped outside of her comfort zone and made some great connections and was so excited.

Can I just say I am one proud papa tonight.

Anyway, it's late and I am headed to sleep as I have a big day tomorrow. Some GALing with a friend and I am looking forward to a good day.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You have earned it. I look forward to hearing about your adventures tomorrow.

[Sotto]

Phoebe, I am proud of you - and very pleased for you! It is great to extend the hand of friendship to others with similar interests to you. I'm not greatly confident in some social situations, but I do feel I have grown in confidence since BD. It made me realise that I had lost some confidence during my M and that I relied on H to an extent for my own comfort in these situations.

However, pushing the boundaries has helped develop my confidence - which is a prize indeed. Last week I went to a new salsa class - walked into a big bar confidently & struck up a conversation with a fellow dance student at the bar - all quite comfortably.

Hope you enjoy your new Meetups. I found there was an element of trial and error with them. Some involve some perseverance, others you just don't get the vibe - but the key is to keep your eyes and ears open to opportunities and follow them up and in time this pays dividends. Good for you xx