Coconut, In the last couple wks I have felt the same range of emotions. It is the worst. There are times when I want to scream and cry at H and let it all out. Maybe these emotions can be used for good and help to detach.
Its a sad position to be in. Keep in mind the advice you were given about not rushing your thoughts. You had mentioned patience to me and how you struggle as well. Maybe put your energy into continuing to keep busy. You have a better handle on it then me. Be there for yourself as you have for others here.
So, still in a angry mood today, I gotta make sure to keep it in check since today is our first couples counseling session.. I was gonna cancel, but I'm hoping she may open up a little, so I decided to keep it.. Hopefully the anger can help me from tearing up, im tired of crying for someone who just doesn't seem to care.
Last night she had class and didn't text when it was over, wouldn't of mattered as I had fallen asleep, but still had to be on purpose... I am getting the feeling she's giving up on moving us in the right direction, still hasn't progressed towards NC...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Try not to interpret why she is doing what she is doing. You really don't know for sure. Even though it doesn't seem like it, she is struggling too. Since you can't help her, just focus on you.
I'm not saying your WW is not still talking with OM, but I promise your mind is making it worse than it is. Don't let your anger and pain amplify things. I did that and it is a huge reason my sitch is so hopeless.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Try an control the urge to over analyze everything she may or may not do, may or may not say. I know we broached this subject once but it's a hard habit to break. You so badly need to focus on yourself right now. It's painfully obvious you are struggling with GAL. It still seems everything you do or think is about her or the M not about you, work on you man, you can't go wrong in doing so
Coconut, thanks for dropping by on my thread. I've been catching up on your sitch. You've been given some great advice! WW will act unpredictably and sometimes they will do things which make no sense to any sane person but in their minds they are making things right, being friends etc. My W gave me a whole bunch of ties the day she decided to leave home! Hang on in there, if in doubt do nothing. Vent your anger here but for her be calm, cool and surprising. Don't jump when she calls, we all have at some time and what did it get us? Take the great advice here and dedicate time to you and your S.We all go through bad days and wish things could be different but the only satisfaction we can have now is to know that despite everything we are still standing. Who knows what will happen in the future but you'll be a better and stronger man if you take this time for you.
I haven't posted in a bit, and tbh not sure I want to... I'm backing off my NC boundary consequence, maybe a bad idea but I'm comfortable that she is not communicating with OM, other than visually seeing him occasionally at the station.
We had MC on Friday, that didn't go so well, we didn't discuss anything that hadn't already been brought up by one of us, but instead it kinda felt like we were both trying to get the counselor on our side instead of talking to each other... That'll be the last one of those, if not forever, at least for a long while.
W asked S and I if we wanted to go watch her FF class on Saturday, they were working on ladders, and she thought we may enjoy seeing her in class. What I really enjoyed was meeting everyone at the station (well not "everyone", I don't think I can be around OM yet, but he wasn't there) and seeing the interaction they all had, and the interaction she had with them. It's calming to see its not a frat house, and that much of the interaction is task oriented. I also enjoyed meeting her classmates, and we invited them all to the house next weekend for a BBQ and pool party, I think it would be good for me to get to know them on a personal level.
I couldn't sleep last night (first time in awhile), so I grabbed W phone at about 4 am and started snooping. I checked all the usual, no new communication apps, signed in her social media, etc etc... Nothing there. Then I went to browser history, found searches for sex memes, etc from day after Mother's Day (about 12 days ago, when I totally ignored her, rudely), nothing before or after that day. My first thought was to go get her out of bed and kick her out of house, but then found myself trying to make sense of it, why only one day, almost two weeks ago, and why would she not clear browser history (she's tech savvy). So I woke her up and told her we need to talk.
She stated that it was the day after she gave me her passwords, knew I'd be checking her phone, and since things were so bad those few days, she wanted to spite me and give me something to find... But things were getting better and she forgot she had done that or she would deleted them. I then got a real apology, with tears, saying that she felt like we were making progress and her spitefulness now set us back.
We talked for about an hour, she really opened up about everything, said she never had feelings for OM, he filled a void I had left, and she felt like she was spiteing me, that she never really fell for him and when I busted the A, she just wanted out and away from all that, and she hasn't talked to him since...
I know, just back burner it for awhile till things calm down, go further underground, etc... I see it all coming, but I gotta tell you, I believe her 100%. For the last week or so she's been herself, she's always home unless at academy and we work together, I can't say enough that I don't believe they are communicating.
Now, I do believe that something had to fill the void that was left open, but I believe the academy is doing that for her, we are closer than we've been since ILYBnilwy speech, we have a long way to go but I believe she is committed to working on our R.
Sandi, I have now read most of your sitch, and I kinda feel like you used this site to fill the void OM left in you, I feel like she's doing that with the academy, and I really believe it.
After our talk this morning about search history, she discussed the A, how it happened (he started pursuing, she didn't stop him), the kissing (3 times after class, total 10-15 min talking/kissing each time), the interaction with OM since. Answered a few Q from me.. I told her that I was moving past it, and that was the last time I would bring it up, that for the first time I felt like she's been really open and honest, and I'm done letting it consume me.
I then laid down in bed next to her, and she cuddled with me (first time), and I mean she kept shifting herself to get in tighter, and I was finally able to fall asleep at 630am.
My world may come crashing down because of this, but I feel it's safe to move forward to start repairing, I will continue GAL, and working on detaching.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
W continues to be home most of the time and contacting me when out, even went to movies with the girls in my family, and text me when they were done hanging out after and was on way home.
I am going to my first meditation class today, found a group on meetup.com and it's only 5 dollars, never meditated but I think it may be a good thing for me to learn...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
