Tonight I cried.... I saw one of the projects S11 has been working on, he built with my dad I believe last summer, from junk, and has continued to add to it... it is S11's pride and joy. There it sits.... here I am.... where is he? I miss my boy!!!
I just came up with an analogy.... Tying together the pieces of my puzzle. My W has a mold made for me... the mold is actually her abusive father. She keeps trying to force me into that mold, into the label. She saw a trait here or there that sounded like her father, close enough to stuff me into the mold. But I didn't fit the mold. No matter how hard she tried.
This why when S11 told her I'm not blaming her, she cried... Cuz I don't fit the mold. She wants me to fit to justify her leaving me. It causes confusion.
Part of what prompted this, reading about MLC and the confusion.... Dang it, I'm trying to stuff her into a mold? Anyway, the confusion is there. I hear it from my kids.
Ok, I'm gonna stop now before Zepher gets the 2x4 out again...
Let the sadness come through. I know in our society we as men are not supposed to show or feel sadness. But I am learning this to not be true.
Now when you are with your boy, feel the polar opposite. Bask in the joy of the moments you are with s11. It is energizing and can help in the moments such as you are experiencing now.
May you have a peaceful night and look forward to the joy you will experience when you see s11 next.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
ofp, you will have time to deal with all of these incredibly intense, and sometimes debilitating feelings. please do not think that i want you to bypass that. facing those fears, disappointment, hurts and confusion is part of your maturation...your journey.
I hope you are able to get out and do your long awaited activity, if not I hope you find something to do to enjoy your weekend.
last thing, i wanted to mention to you...this is an observation of wisdom from others that I wanted to bring up to you...not using your kids as info gatherers or to discuss thier mom with.
I really hope that some one who is more experienced with that aspect of separation csn chime in with experience.
i will be away for the weekend...so i will have my fingers crossed for you.
I have always been emotionally open... I feel a little embarrassment when coworker see me cry, or the general public, but I let it out freely... So I am pretty good there. But thank you for your concern.
I am doing better with the kids, but still feel a little anxious. I "think" that will go away once I am back in my house, someplace comfortable, where we can tackle activities together.
Zephyr, yeah, I am trying to get through this journey. I think sometimes I am focusing on it too much, other times I'm not allowing it to pass or I'm making it worse by fighting it.
The kids are bringing the stuff up, not me. I try to avoid the subject unless answering a direct question from them, and I try to keep the answers to them clear and neutral. Like the example of S11 getting blamed by others in school, and he brings up W saying that I am blaming her. W was not the subject, S11 and classmates was. I am not sure if he is trying to help me, trying to help her, or struggling with his own understanding of the D. I think I am doing OK at that part, not perfect, but OK.
It is bitter cold, so I won't be getting out for my long awaited activity... Dang it! Tomorrow I plan to visit a friend I haven't seen in a couple years, help him out with some of his projects.
Have you got DR and read it yet. It will help with a road map for your journey. I know you asked on my thread if it was worth getting since D was happening so fast. Not sure if you saw my reply, but please get it. It is for you, it will guide you, and the key is to heal yourself and become the whole person only a fool would leave.
It's a difficult journey, but with the road map, you will be more likely to arrive at the destination regardless of the bumps in the road.
Have a great day my friend, enjoy your time with your s11, and try to stay in the moment.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
No, I haven't gotten DR yet, was pondering on it. But I haven't changed my Amazon login yet to get W off of it, probably would be best if she didn't see the purchase.
I did see your reply on your thread... I have been keeping up with your thread, just didn't have anything good to post.
I haven't heard back from the person I was going to do my activity with today... And it is freezing cold, but I went out alone for a while. Strange, anything that gets my adrenaline going a little brings back the anxiety. I'm going to talk a brisk walk shortly and burn some of it off.
Another thing I noticed, this activity, even though it is super high paced, high adrenaline, and somewhat physical, still allows enough brain bandwidth to do "thinking," always has.. In fact I may have always done the most thinking while doing this. There's just no escape, LOL!
I cooked a burger for myself on the grill.... First time cooking in years.. Actually felt kind of good. I really miss my live-in cook, that's for sure! But, I know I will make it, I know I will figure this out one way or another.
I don't see the kids again til Tuesday, haven't seen them since last Tuesday. Makes me sad. I get Tuesday's and every other weekend. Still better than the first couple months, it was only every other weekend.
No, I haven't gotten DR yet, was pondering on it. But I haven't changed my Amazon login yet to get W off of it, probably would be best if she didn't see the purchase.
Just chiming in, but if you setup a new Amazon account, they will offer a 1-month free trial of Prime and you can still get the 2-day delivery on the book. I just got mine and about halfway through it, and while not ALL topics are relative, it's been highly informative and I'd definitely recommend it.
Just remember to cancel the prime membership on the new account immediately or you'll get charged for 1-years worth of Prime the day the trial expires.
