Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Agree with LiM -- there is really nothing to talk about.

I know you *want* to talk to her with every fiber of your being because you desperately want information about what she's thinking.

Here's what happens in these situations:

Your wife is scared. She feels like she's stepping off a cliff by leaving the house and pursuing a relationship with this affair partner. In the early stages of an affair the guy can do no wrong and is "perfect" but eventually reality sets in and she will start to see things she doesn't like, that that will increase her anxiety and make her worry even more.

If she can temperature check you and get assurance that you are still hers for the taking, then you are her insurance policy on the shelf, and she can continue to do whatever she wants and feel like she has a soft landing back with you if things don't work out.

It's the best possible scenario for her right? Do whatever she wants, and if it doesn't work, just come back home and be accepted with open arms. Who wouldn't want to set that up for themselves?

I'm not saying she's doing that as a diabolical plan, she's I'm sure not even aware she's doing it, she's just reacting out of fear.

The minute she gets assurance from you that you would take her back, you'll go right to the bottom of her priority stack and she'll stop thinking about you at all.

*You should NOT tell her what you're thinking or how you're feeling*. She NEEDS TO WONDER what's going on with you. It's the best thing you can do right now. Keep your cards close to the vest. Don't tell her where you're going for the weekend, don't tell her who you're with, don't tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking, tell her nothing.

Share the same level of information with her that you would with a co-worker you don't know that well. You wouldn't be rude, but you wouldn't be very forthcoming either.

If she gets uncomfortable, lashes out, gets angry, breaks down, whatever, just let her do it. It's not your job to fix that for her right now. You will feel the need to reassure her as that's been your learned role in this relationship. The *hard part* is to step back from that and let her fall or tantrum without stepping in.

Do NOT have any relationship talks at all. Your repeated response should be "You're in a relationship with someone else, I consider that disrespectful to our marriage. If you want to talk down the line we can see where we both are, but I won't discuss my thoughts and feelings with you when you are involved with someone else"

The best thing you can do for your situation right now is dig deep and be tough.

Doing this successfully will go against every instinct and intuition you have. That's what makes it really, really hard.

Acc

[198127]

This is my proposed response. good?

We can talk, in counseling or not, but what point is there to talking with your affair ongoing. If you have ended it, God makes all things possible.

[Drew]

This is my proposed response. good?

We can talk, in counseling or not, but what point is there to talking with your affair ongoing. If you have ended it, God makes all things possible.

There, fixed it.

[LiM]

I agree with Drew.
You've got to realize that right now, she's not your friend and she's not even really your wife anymore. She's someone completely different that has disrespected you in the worst way possible. Why would you even consider giving her the time of day unless she PROVES that she has changed her ways? And I can guarantee you that right now, she hasn't. She's checking into to see that you are still available as her fall back and that's not what you want. If/when she is remorseful, you will know it beyond the shadow of a doubt. Until then, detach and work on YOU.

[Accuray]

Agreed -- I would not offer counseling at this point. It's too late for that. Counseling will encourage you to share what you're feeling and right now you don't want to do that with her.

[sandi2]

So, what usually makes them care? When does the fog lift? What happens in a WW to make them in that spot again? If ever?

When they see that the LBH is not willing to hang around and be her backup plan.
When reality slaps her in the face.
When she experiences some type of loss, due to her waywardness.
When her fantasy crumbles.

As long as you try to control what she does, or try to convince her by talking with her.....she will resist you and stubbornly press on in her waywardness. However, she will watch to see what you do. She isn't interested in being with you, but she's not ready to see you moving forward and being happy without her. She needs you available for her, in case things do not pan out with OM (which her plan A, as of now). She feels pretty certain you will be terribly lost without her. However, she wants freedom to do whatever with whomever. If you press her, chase after her, put emotional pressure on her, try to get her into counseling for somone to fix her.......she will move further away from you. When you let go and stop trying to "fix" her mess, and allow her to endure consequences that come from her decisions.........she will draw closer.

She really has to see herself losing you. Losing your interest in her. Losing your attentiveness. Losing your desire for her. Losing your friendship. Losing the special moments. Everything she gave up to be with this OM........she has to feel and see it.

Of course, that doesn't mean you really feel all those things about her, but she needs to think you do. Not by you telling her, but by what she sees in you. When a man really detaches emotionally, the W senses it. Until then, fake it till you make it. Don't be mean, hateful or cold. Just turn lose of that tight grip, and turn your attention on you, instead of her. Get busy doing things you have not done in a long time, and stop trying to keep up with her every move.

It really is you fighting for your M, but it is a different style of fight than you probably had in mind. We can't get it all said in just a few posts. It takes time for us, and time for you to process it.

[Accuray]

You now have four people telling you exactly the same thing -- please object and discuss it here if you don't agree. This is so hard for most people to do because your instinct is to chase and monitor.

Acc

[198127]

She just emailed me and said that now that we have both had some time to reflect, would I be willing to meet with her to discuss us going to counseling.

[198127]

She just emailed me and said that now that we have both had some time to reflect, would I be willing to meet with her to discuss us going to counseling.

including giving a specific day and time to come to our house to discuss.

[LiM]

I suppose you could meet and talk to her but I would still hesitate on counseling right now. It's highly unlikely that she has completely come to grips with the reality of what she's done. Until she has hit rock bottom and knows in her heart that she has "lost" you because of this, then she won't find true remorse within herself. If you let her back too easily/quickly, then you will in effect be sweeping this under the rug and the chances of it happening again are VERY high because really, what did it cost her? Nothing. She knows she can go out and do whatever she wants and there will be no repercussions because you will simply take her right back.
Dont be a door mat. Make her work to earn her place back in the M.
You have to ask yourself, why is she coming around so quickly? I guarantee you that she hasn't found remorse yet. So what happened. Can you find out if OM went back home? Did he dump her and now she's going back to plan B (You)? If he did dump her, that's great because now you have a chance to start repairing the M but you can't just allow her to come right back.