Getting out of in house S (9)

[J5K]

vise,

I agree with otw, you know the answers to your questions!

Hang in there.

[vise82]

Hey

So yesterday was going in to see L about signing the S agreement, W has a deadline and needed it signed by today to get financing for her house she bought.

Lawyer doesn't like how a calculation for spousal support was mixed in with child support and wants clarification from W lawyer and for the wording to be changed to reflect the payment. This is a last minute change and I am not sure why the L did not see this in the beginning. W says L did this on purpose to get us into court.

All Lawyer legal stuff that I know nothing about, I let lawyer know about the deadline and it does not matter she is acting in my best interest and this needs to change or it could always be there with the child support.

It was nice to have someone in my corner.

I get home and was fearful of telling W. Fearful of the earful I was going to get. I tell her that I tried and wanted so sign but the lawyer was not signing it. I got spew then tears, then guilt tripped. Then threatened with lawsuit, but then she said she would not sue me when I asked.

The problem is W took the chance of buying a place before the S agreement was in place and now that risk is showing to cost her. She is placing blame on everyone else but herself, her world that she was creating with buying all new appliances and bed to live with out me is falling down infront of her face. This is big girl stuff and she was crumbling infront of me. I tried to reach out to the lawyer to get it signed but the lawyer is even more now determined to not sign as this is pressure on me to sign from W.

I am torn as I want to do what is best for me and my kids. doing that is hurting my W. She was taking everything so lightly and was so casual about the S agreement thinking its not a big deal but lawyers have a professional responsibility to protect the clients and to produce a document that would stand up in court even if it may never get there.

W is not getting her way and is trying to control the situation and it is out of her control and she is crumbling.

THis morning she says she is sick is asking for help with the kids almost asked me to stay home to look after her and our sick S4.

I have stood back and watched her create this mess. Watched her spend money on the house she has not bought yet, now its painful to watch it implode. I hope it all works out but it looks like she has tried to get me to help, that did not work as she has no control over my lawyer now she is going to have to ask her parents to get her out of this. She has no more money (credit) left right now to solve the problem as she spent it all.

She is in a big hole, the fantasy is slipping away.

[vise82]

Hey,

OK so far W has been ok, texted me a couple of times today about picking up the boys and asking if I can pick up orange juice.

No spewing or pressure about the S agreement. I cant believe how nervous I was coming home to tell her I could get it signed. And how desperate I was to get it signed. Lawyer must have sensed it , your not allowed to sign things under pressure like that.

It was like I thought I was going to get beat up or something. I guess getting yelled at enough does that to you.

I was so worried about her reaction. I can see something is wrong with that. I shouldn't have to fear coming home.

[SH_]

Hi vise,

I have experienced the anger of the WAW as we go through the process with the L's.
The thing that has helped me over the past several days is realizing that they have a dream, and it is more based in emotion than details and facts of a S or D proceeding. Early on I found myself trying to take care of the family, my kids, my WAW and myself. I had a friend that D his first wife a number of years ago and he felt so bad that he made an emotional decision and basically gave away the farm. 14 years later he is still paying a heavy price for this.

I made it clear to WAW that I would not make emotional decisions in the process because it was important that all was fair for the future. She agreed, but as the reality of the details come out, she has gotten increasingly angry, spews about everything negative under the sun, and has made some horrible accusations. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but after the outburst this past week, it is almost as if a switch was flipped for me. I am no longer responsible for taking care of her. She chose to leave the family, she did so under an emotional pretense. And she did so without getting factual details of what a D process would be or look like. As her L explains the facts and details she spews at me about how I can do things different than the law says if I chose to do so. This is her effort to manipulate and guilt me I realized.

Anyway, so I do not ramble on, my advice to you, is try and stay focused on taking care of your kids and yourself. She will need to take care of herself. Giving into her will not make reconciliation any more or less likely.

Stay strong, evaluate your convictions and remember, you are not responsible for her, her reactions or her desires. She fired you and she is leaving the family unit. This can help you feel more confident when having to have the S talks with her.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had an interesting weekend.

W signed off on spousal support then put it in with the child support. My lawyer did not see it at first but has dealt with it.

My Lawyer has not contacted me yet but W says my L and her L have a settlement. The support W was asking for I will pay for one year then its gone forever.

Had to deal with W bad talking my L and trying to say my L is trying to get us to go to court. W threatened me again to take me to court if it was not sign this weekend. I tried to contact my L but could not get in touch.

Weekend is over and W is not taking me to court. I also said to her don't even say threats to me unless you mean it.

My Lawyer has shown me how W has been lying to me and W tells me my lawyer is lying to me. Was finding it hard who to believe.

Other than that I have been ok. W and S4 are sick, W has a touch of a reparatory illness. She did not go to a wedding she was invited to go to. She was home all weekend with me and the boys and it was like the old days except for when kids were in bed and our separate rooms to sleep. I had to make dinners and help with the kids.

For mothers day the kids made cards and I took them to buy something for her, they picked out a battery powered toothbrush she had been asking for. I think she was thinking the $100 water pik type but there was no way I was spending that type of money. We made breakfast for her and kids cut flowers from the garden for her. I kind of feel like I didn't do enough for her. But considering the relationship we are in now I think it called for the minimum.

Oh we started to pack up the kids toys with the kids. S7 was not happy about it. We had three boxes my place, W place and garage sale.

So yes its S and move happening. I am no longer in her way, I am acting as if everything is ok. I was in full participation with the packing.

Soon as I get my place I will be moving out stuff in a week.

Spent a lot of time with the kids. Made a ramp for their scooters. they loved it.

[vise82]

Hey,

I have signed the S agreement. I did not cry. called W after to let her know, it was all matter of fact type feeling. Didn't feel too different. Just more like I dropped part of the rope. Also I did a walk through to my new house with he two boys, W stayed home. Kids loved it were super excited and had so much fun. You can see their school from the house.

I felt better, acknowledging that the MR maybe over and it is what it is. I will be ok. My credit card came in the mail so I am rebuilding my credit now.

I am ready to go. I seen W this morning and I said good morning to her, didn't get all melty about it. This is the plan, move out and have as little contact with her as possible. I have seen some change in her during this time together in house. She is around more now, we can talk to each other ok. I don't see her avoiding coming home. SHe is ok doing stuff with her and the boys. But nothing from her that says she does not want to go down this road.
plus we cant, houses are bought, our house is sold. So I am going down the road to seperation. It will be tough but the best option I have is to keep my distance and do as much as I can on my own.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had no contact with W at work yesterday. Was unusual. She was at home sick when I cam home from work. She made a point of telling me that she does not get sick days and she is going to drag herself to work today.

I get all cleaned up and dressed to look my best to pick up the kids and W asks if I am taking the kids anywhere after I picked up the kids. I said no I am just bringing them home. She says she will come along if I was ok with it.

We go pick up the kids, bring them home we are out side with them and trying to talk about changing over utilities ect for the move, S4 is asking me to help him then S7 is calling for me. I loose my cool for a second and say I can only do one thing at a time.

Was stressed a bit and it showed. Got it together though. We were talking about mail redirect and W tells me its gone up in price now and that we should just split it, have all my mail sent to her house and she will just give it to me. We are going to still see each other three time a week . I say I will just get it myself, she says that is a waste of money why would I do that. I said I would think about it, she says that nothing is really in my name and I hardly get mail that she will just put my name on the list to forward to her house.

I felt like she was trying to save me money but now Its just another thing that she is going to have her fingers on. I will have to trust she will give me my mail. Now I have to make sure that I change everything to my new address. I was just going to be lazy about it and change what ever was redirected but now I cant do that.

I don't know if that was a positive thing she offered to do that or a controlling thing.

The night was good, was just like any other night ate dinner, talked about stuff for moving, played with the kids and we both picked up the kids.

I wasn't sure how it was going to go after the S agreement was signed. I thought I would see a change in W as in her acting nice would stop. Nothing too much changed.

[otw]

Hey vise
sounds as if you are dealing with everything as best as possible right now. I know the W is confusing with her actions but i thing she is proabably struggling with everything just as much as you are.

As far as the mail goes, not a good idea.

do it yourself. You need to remove yourself a little bit. I think she has a fantasy about what life will be like after the move. She feels she will get her freedom but still have you around for family stuff.

For example, in my world.

I know you have kept up with everything I have been dealing with trying to figure out about me and W. Well I am now at the point where I feel she is doing exactly what i described your wife doing. She is fine with having me around when she has the kids and we all do things together but when it is my time with the kids she wants her freedom for stuff. I am now trying to build the courage to flat out ask if there is anything between us she wants to try with. I am going to ask her on a real one on one dinner.

I say build the courage because if i get shot down it will hurt, but i cant keep living in limbo and feel like i am only good enough for her half of the time.

hope that makes sense.

[vise82]

Hey,

I am not sure what to do.

W is out showing kids her house. before she left she says she wants to give me a key to her place. She thinks it will be good incase we need stuff for kids or one of us is late for work and need to pick up the kids from babysitter at the other persons house.

Here is the thing, she just put on the calendar that she is planning to go out next Sat with her cousin and not me. So I am good enough to give a key to but not good enough to go out to a wine festival thing. We went last year and had a great time, after it was the last time we had sex. So it will have been a year in a week. Never thought I would ever have to say that.

She also did something nice for me and printed out paper work for the change of ownership for our van into my name.

How should I play this. Is this positive with the key or cake eating?

I didn't really say anything about it. I was shocked. Didn't even know what to say. Just changed the subject to the van.

[Rose888]

I don't know that I would consider the key to be cake eating or a positive sign. Looking at the ages of your kids, I'd say it was an attempt to deal with the practical realities of young kids having two homes.