Doodler/Digit, Question for ya'll. I'm in the same situation with my wife. We get along fine. But she's still moving out in 13 days. Once she moves out (or doodler, in your situation, now that she has moved out). Are you going dark and wait for her to contact you or are you going to try to make first contact?
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
I think things can move in a positive direction before and after the move. My wife and I actually got along fairly well prior to the move. The issue is that emotions are so raw and everyone is so sensitive that any minor, or unintentional, transgression can upset the balance.
One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm inconsistent in my treatment of my wife. When I'm not angry I'll talk and joke with my wife. When I am angry I'll talk and joke with my wife, but my humor is a little more biting and sarcastic. I've got to work on that. The point is that, if your wife does move out, expect to have some anger bubble-up inside, but don't let it bubble-over in your conversations with your wife.
You sound very similar to myself right now. I'm doing the whole 'act as-if', but depending on how I'm feeling, it comes across differently I think. Gotta get better at that.
And yea, everything is quite new and sensitive right now, I've seen it...W took down all the pictures but left the nails up. She said its all ready for new ones! I said in a very leisure way that I'd probably have to move them cuz the new pictures will be at different heights. Again, very casually, I didn't think anything of it. Come home the next day, and she had taken ALL the nails out because of what I said. Shocked me a bit, but also made me realize that she's listening and I need to be razor sharp with my communication.
Doodler/Digit, Question for ya'll. I'm in the same situation with my wife. We get along fine. But she's still moving out in 13 days. Once she moves out (or doodler, in your situation, now that she has moved out). Are you going dark and wait for her to contact you or are you going to try to make first contact?
I absolutely will be going dark. Even though we are still living together, I kind of already have. We normally text throughout the day, just a lot in general. I stopped all of that, and even though the frequency has obviously gone down, she still reaches out from time to time, however mundane the topic is. I always answer, but not quickly.
I also have noticed that she hasn't even whispered anything about divorce since I stopped bringing it up. Patience is going to be key here, me thinks.
I don't know the "right" thing to do if you're hard-core DB, but right now my children are unhappy and I'm addressing that. We're just starting to figure out what works with regard to the boys parental schedule. My wife moved out on Monday and she brought them over on Monday and Tuesday. They'll be with me tonight so I invited my wife to have supper with us (just like old times).
Is that DB? I don't know, but it'll make the boys happy for us all to have supper together. That's really important to me right now.
So, in answer to your question, because of the boys, there's so much interaction between my wife and I that I can't go dark. In fact, I won't go dark because it'll hurt the boys. The best I can do is work on myself, GAL and be kind to my wife. I'm sure that plenty of others would disagree with that approach, but my sons need both parents and I think going dark would deprive them.
With regard to your wife leaving the nails up, my wife did the same thing. In fact, she just took her stuff and left any mess that was remaining. The first move out day (it took her two days), the house was a mess, but I was able to clean a lot of it up. The second move out day was a lot worse and will require a lot more work to clean-up. I have to clean the carpet where furniture used to be and there's a lot of dust and long forgotten small toys that were under the furniture.
I don't know the "right" thing to do if you're hard-core DB, but right now my children are unhappy and I'm addressing that. We're just starting to figure out what works with regard to the boys parental schedule. My wife moved out on Monday and she brought them over on Monday and Tuesday. They'll be with me tonight so I invited my wife to have supper with us (just like old times).
Is that DB? I don't know, but it'll make the boys happy for us all to have supper together. That's really important to me right now.
So, in answer to your question, because of the boys, there's so much interaction between my wife and I that I can't go dark. In fact, I won't go dark because it'll hurt the boys. The best I can do is work on myself, GAL and be kind to my wife. I'm sure that plenty of others would disagree with that approach, but my sons need both parents and I think going dark would deprive them.
Having kids in the mix definitely makes it hard. My advice would be to be cordial with her in front of the kids, but I wouldn't take it anywhere past that. That way, its as dark as you can get, and your kids don't know when they aren't around. Slippery slope for sure, but your absence will give her time to work on herself.
With regard to your wife leaving the nails up, my wife did the same thing. In fact, she just took her stuff and left any mess that was remaining. The first move out day (it took her two days), the house was a mess, but I was able to clean a lot of it up. The second move out day was a lot worse and will require a lot more work to clean-up. I have to clean the carpet where furniture used to be and there's a lot of dust and long forgotten small toys that were under the furniture.
My W is usually a clean freak, and I've noticed her not doing ANYTHING. That coupled with taking whatever she wants, I'm convinced she is testing me. There's been times when she says "I'm taking this and this" thinking she'll get a reaction. I just say "ok, that works, whatever you need." She's already offered her interior decorating services for me. Weird, I tell ya
The thing I'm scared about is, one of the major points of contentions in our M was that I was emotionally distant and that I didn't SHOW her I loved/cared for her. If she moved out and I go pitch dark, aside from when D is present (no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing) wouldn't that just validate her feelings? That's the last thing I want to do.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
You're right, she won't miss me if she's not given the opportunity to miss me.
I have been been a real manly bad @ss though (just kidding). For some reason, my wife doesn't want me to go to her apartment complex. I know where she's living but she doesn't want me to go over there. Really weird, right? (There's no OM living there.) My youngest son mentioned to me last night that my wife had said that maybe we could start meeting someplace in between my house and her apartment to do the kiddie exchange. I told him (loud enough that she could hear) that since she doesn't want me at the apartment complex, she can drive to my house every time there's an exchange.
I'm doing a lot of work on the yard and house and I expect it to be spiffy in a few weeks. So, I'm happy for her to see what she's missing.
The thing I'm scared about is, one of the major points of contentions in our M was that I was emotionally distant and that I didn't SHOW her I loved/cared for her. If she moved out and I go pitch dark, aside from when D is present (no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing) wouldn't that just validate her feelings? That's the last thing I want to do.
That was a problem for us as well, and its true, I was distant. So going dark is scaring the living --- out of me! But I have made it -very- clear to her that I love her and am ready and willing to fix this. And that it can happen on her time. She knows I love her and wants to stay married. But I think there's some healing that needs to be done seperate from eachother, because she is not without her faults as well.
As long as she knows where you stand, she won't forget that. Don't constantly remind her or bring it up after its known where you want this to go.
