Why don't you come to your senses?

[job]

I would certainly send a text to your h and thank him for the flowers. That was a very thoughtful gesture and one that he needs to be recognized for, i.e., a baby step.

About the BIL, yes, the authority has gone to his head. The most logical way to handle this is to start documenting when he does something that isn't proper. At some point, the documentation will need to be provided to your h. Don't cover and/or enable your BIL. If he's making mistakes, then he will need to make them right. I know you don't want to see this stuff happen, but your h won't know what's really going on if you go behind this man and clean up his messes. You h can't dispute documentation and examples of what transpired.

I wouldn't say anything at this time about what was found. What I am concerned about is that your BIL found it and might make a mountain out of a mole hill w/your h about it. Your BIL is very resentful/jealous of what you and your h have and he will most likely use passive-aggressive behavior to play one against the other. Continue to tread lightly around him. I don't trust him as he may be the one trying to get you out of the business.

Enjoy your flowers. Truly, this is a baby step and one that can be enjoyed for a few days this week.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, Job. I sent a thank you text to H right away. It is a baby step. I got nothing for Valentine's Day and I can't recall him ever sending flowers for Mother's Day.

BIL has been making mistakes. I tried working with him and teaching him at first, but it became pretty obvious that he didn't want to listen to me. H kept saying he was "still learning" when I'd bring up something, so I stopped. I was coming across as the problem and a Negative Nancy trying to upset H's "plan" so I STFU.

Then, I just kind of sat back and gave BIL enough rope to hang himself without doing great damage to the company, but doing enough that H couldn't possibly miss where the problem was coming from. I hated doing that because it did some damage (although reversible) but I just couldn't see any other way to make H see that his "plan" would lose him his business altogether.

H has made a few comments along the lines of he'll fire BIL if he has to, he'll spend more time checking up on him, etc. He said last week that he realizes BIL will never be able to run this business for him. So, he is aware on some level. But I know the pull of the fantasy life is still there. However, as I said in a previous post, I think BIL inadvertently turned the lights on in the theater when H took a good long look at BIL's performance and found that his (H's) neglect was beginning to affect his (H's) future.

I think my plan is to do the following: H practically begged me to keep him informed of what is going on here and I will start sending emails once or twice a week to recap. I'll just state the facts ... this happened, that happened ... with no comment or opinion attached. H can draw his own conclusions.

I think you're correct about resentment and jealousy on BIL's part. I learned long ago to be cautious what I say to him, because he does try to throw me under the bus and will lie to H to do that. It usually comes in the form of trying to blame me for his errors. I think H believed him for a while but I don't think that's still the case. H mentioned the playing one against the other and said he will believe what I tell him.

I think the thing I dislike about BIL the most is he will say he's worried about H and is praying for him, but when he comes across something like today, he actually comes across as kind of amused ... I guess that's the best word for it. And he has said horrible things to me in the past about H, basically accusing H of using me and saying I could destroy him in a way that almosst seemed like he would enjoy seeing that. How do you tell your H things like that about his B? Especially when you fear BIL will turn it around and say YOU said those things when you know your H is looking for excuses not to want you in his life.

BIL is also very quick to "tattle" on H when the opportunity presents itself as if he wants to upset me or make me angry at H. It's not at all brotherly and it's very obvious he is no friend of the marriage.

You know, I've tried for the longest time to look for the best in BIL, teach him, guide him and hope he can pull things together for the company's sake. I've always considered him a decent, family guy. Just kind of a nitwit in certain areas. I really thought he was concerned about H and wanted to see him work through whatever issues were plaguing him.

But now that I've written all that above and have thought about other things he's said and/or done, it looks more and more like BIL is trying to drive a wedge between H and I, trying to keep us from making any progress in our personal R. Maybe BIL fears we won't need him in the business if H comes back (and he would be right) and this is his way of maintaining job security? Help our M stay on the rocks so H won't come home? How sad is that? That a one brother would do that to another?

[bttrfly]

2x, you nailed it I think, sad as it is to say that. Hey though - here's a positive: at least you have awareness now and awareness is a powerful tool in your arsenal.

Enjoy your flowers and keep your guard up with BIL. xoxoxo

[2Times2Many]

Esame, BIL got involved (and stays involved) because in the beginning H led BIL to believe he was a part of the decision making team and would "fill" H's shoes. But H was deep, deep in the fog at that time. BIL gets his nose out of joint anytime H and I make a decision and don't include him in on the decision making progress. At first H wanted BIL included. Now H's attitude is more along the lines of it's his company, he doesn't need his B's input and he doesn't care whether BIL agrees with his decisions or not. That is light years away from where H was in the beginning.

bttrfly, awareness IS a powerful tool and what makes me feel even better is that I think H is gaining some awareness when it comes to BIL.

I sent H an "update" email last night and included the discovery in the desk drawer. I didn't make any comment other than I flushed it.

I thought a lot about BIL, the sitch with him, Job's wise words, awareness (bttrfly) and where I think H is at regarding the business and his B. I sent a separate email and addressed some of my fears and concerns about BIL's motivations. It was a calm, just matter-of-fact email with no blame casting ... more a "here are my concerns" email.

I had a text this morning from H saying my email was spot on and he felt the same way I did (in regard to BIL). He said (later, on the phone) he was going to confront BIL as soon as he finished talking with me. That sent shivers down my spine. That's the last thing I need. I asked that he not do that because it would just make working with him more difficult. I said that kind of reaction is the reason I hadn't said anything before now and I did not want to cause trouble between him and his B, but only wanted to pass along my observations because he should know what's going on in his business. H agreed not to say anything.

I could hear in his voice that he was angry (although I knew it wasn't aimed at me) and after BIL talked to him, BIL commented that H was in "some mood today." I didn't comment. I think I'll give H some time to process and cool down for a while. He knows I don't want drama and fireworks, so I'll let him come to me when he's calmer and wants to discuss this stuff.

This sitch has been stressful. I was raised in a family where there was always drama going on between the various in-laws and such. There was a ton of she said/did this and he said/did that and people were mad at each other all the time and who was mad at who could change at the drop of a hat. It was ridiculous.

I've always had an attitude of minding my own business, particularly in family situations, so this is tough for me. It would be one thing if BIL weren't an in-law but it's quite another when you worry you may adversely affect family dynamics no matter how necessary. It stinks. At least for now, though, H and I seem to be on the same page.

Regarding the baggie, I got exactly what I expected ... "It wasn't for me. It was for someone else." I had to chuckle under my breath. I accepted his response, asked no questions and changed the subject.

I'm so looking forward to a relaxing weekend. Then a two day workweek next week. Another facial is on tap and I'll also see the plastic surgeon about my nose while I'm there. Hopefully, I'll have some direction about that by this time next week.

Less that a month until I invade NYC!

My best to everyone.

2T

[job]

Very well done! You handled all of the situations that were swirling around the office area w/dignity and grace. I liked the way you handled the surprised package you found. Of course, it wasn't his. LOL!

I do think that once your h has some time to mull things over, he will have a chat w/your BIL about the way things are going. In my opinion, that chat would be much more productive if done in person...but we know how the MLCers are...it's either email or phone.

Continue moving forward...you've got some events coming your way to focus on. The trip to NY will a pleasant break and hopefully, things will have settled down for you.

[Esame]

Well done 2times2many, you have been amazing in dealing with everything. Can I also add that it sounds like a positive to me the fact that your H is respecting your opinion regarding his brother and the business? Maybe your BIL's interfering will have the opposite effect to the one he wanted (I feel Like he was trying to push your H further away?)

I hope there will be loads more baby steps on your H's part.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you so much, Esame, for stopping by. I read your latest posts and I have some thoughts I want to post to you, but it may be tomorrow. Hope you don't mind. I will say this for now ... don't expect any kind of romance or affection. There were so many times that I yearned for H to give me just a simple, yet genuine, hug and was left yearning. It's goes with the territory and it's best not to expect it.

I saw my IC yesterday and we talked a lot about H's behavior while he was here and the things he said. She thinks he is a lot of pain and I agree. She also said the issues with seeking my opinion about things like what color shirt or pants to buy or decorating a place I've never seen is classic depression ... the inability to make a decision. If you throw in the "waking up" to poor decisions in the last couple of years, it just makes it worse. Talking to her about all that just made my heart ache for him.

Another thing we talked a lot about was BIL and triangulation. I didn't know much about triangulation, so started doing some research and it seems to apply here. It's a tactic that people with narcissistic tendencies use a lot. I don't think my BIL is a narcissist in the sociopath way of things, but maybe the tendency is there? It sure seems like he's trying to pit H and I against each other to his "ego" benefit.

But beyond that, I started thinking about H and the OW. I think I've seen it mentioned here and there on the forum that people in MLC have narcissistic tendencies. I know my H does or, at least did for some time. And getting involved with OW would be placing the two of us (OW and I) "against" each other, fighting for the "prize," which would be him. If I refuse to fight, then the triangle is broken. The whole sitch doesn't give him the high he's seeking. I fell for that a couple of years ago and got all bent out of shape, but this time it was "Oh, okay." I think that might break the triangle?? Refusing to play the "game?" Lots to think about.

MIL fell again about a week ago. She is paralyzed on one side (from a stoke) so when she goes down, she can't protect herself and falls hard. She broke 6 ribs and has developed pneumonia. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday. My heart goes out to her. She is an awesome woman and life has been tough for her the past 20 years. FIL strained his back trying to get her into her wheelchair yesterday to get her to then doctor for xrays, so he's not doing great either.

The thing that is most heartbreaking is that we moved where we are now to be here for H's parents and H is nowhere around when they really need him. So sad.

I hope everyone has great weekend plans. I was hoping to finish up my gardens this weekend, but I may be spending time at the hospital with MIL. I really need to finish that planting before the nurseries sell out of annuals. But I'll go with the flow and where I feel I'm needed. There are more important things in life than petunias.

My best to everyone.

2T

[job]

I am so sorry to read about your MIL and FIL. I do hope that they are okay. Do they have someone that comes in weekly to help them out? This may be something to discuss w/your h since he's out of state so much.

Your IC is correct about the "inability to make a decision" as symptom of depression. That's one of the reasons they put things off because they can't put one foot in front of the other when it comes to making decisions. Your h is in a lot of pain and it's going to take some time for him to recover from this. It's all about him and finding ways to cope and relieve the pain right now.

I have read about triangulation and it's definitely a tactic and one that people aren't even aware of when it happens to them. Yes, it's an ego trip for your BIL when he pits the two of you against each other. It makes him look like the bigger "man" in the situation. Now you have a good idea of what you are dealing w/and can handle the situation w/the BIL. Stop and think about it...he took great pleasure in telling you about the desk and what was in it. He was hoping for a heated phone conversation about the "treasure". He didn't get it.

During the crisis, personality disorders tend to "flare up", i.e., such as narcissistic tendencies. Think about it, a two year old wants what he wants when he wants it and if he doesn't get it, on the floor he goes, stomping his feet and holding his breath. It's being selfish during MLC and hopefully those tendencies will settle down once the crisis is over and done with. The same thing happens w/passive-aggressive behavior in MLC...it comes out to play even more so.

Spend as much time as you can w/your in-laws this weekend. They need you now more than ever. The garden will be there waiting for you when you return home.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Esame]

2T I am so sorry for your MIL (and FIL), I hope they are recovering well, it is such a same that due to the situation your H is not around for them as much. How does he feel about that?

If I refuse to fight, then the triangle is broken. The whole sitch doesn't give him the high he's seeking. I fell for that a couple of years ago and got all bent out of shape, but this time it was "Oh, okay." I think that might break the triangle?? Refusing to play the "game?" Lots to think about.
2T

That is an interesting theory, it could even be seen as a different 180? You not participating in his games I mean.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend.

[BrightFuture]

Hey 2T, I've been keeping up with your updates. Just didn't have time to post. The BIL "story" sounds a bit worrisome. I would stay clear of any comments or interventions for now. I think you are doing great, going about your life and what you want, and still being friendly to your H. As long as it is not a burden, LOL. I'm on the same boat for now.

Take care. I will try to post more often.