Some days are better than others

[EDF]

I replied.

"Keeping your affair partner as a friend is not an inconvenience, it's crap.

If you're willing to let go of me in order to keep your affair partner in your life, it's your loss."

Tried to keep it short as possible... trying to get my communications shorter in general as part of DBing, but I wanted to send a direct firm response here. Being direct and unequivocal is kind of a 180 for me.

[EDF]

She replied quickly:

"I'm not willing to let you go. There is no affair going on!"

I don't feel that really calls for a response... not going to get lured into an argument about what is or isn't an affair, or whether affair partners can become harmless friends.

Going to do my GAL activities as planned tonight. One got cancelled, I may go to a movie instead to keep me away from the house.

[sandi2]

You make me feel that I'm not worth the inconvenience of me keeping this friend. Anyone who enters my life is in my life forever until they've done me wrong. That's just the way it is.

See the self centered, narrow-mindness in her? The WW can take anything and twist it around to make it sound as if you are the one who is wrong.

She will continue to point out there is no affair and that you are jealous, etc. Stick to your guns. Do not allow her to wear you down. If she doesn't let go of this bone.........consider telling her that you will not take part in a M that includes her past lovers. Then refer to her saying once a person is part of her life, she never lets them go.

She needs to believe she is losing you. Otherwise, she will continue to have you dance to her music.........and if she gets by with having ex lovers as friends, you can expect her to have another affair in the near future.

[EDF]

Yea, she's definitely great at making her ridiculous statements sound almost reasonable. If it weren't for the aggregate resources of DB and the threads/vets her and being able to read so many other people's war stories I would have gotten seriously derailed many times over already.

Today has been weird... not rollercoaster emotional, but still a lot of very different emotions flitting around. On the one hand I find myself feeling a little bit of hope that I am seeing pursuing behaviors from her, and she seems to be recognizing more just what she stands to lose. But also annoyance that she doesn't see/care how ridiculous her statements are, and some anger that it is supposedly such a difficult decision for her to choose between me and her overweight, alcoholic, OM.

I can definitely see how even if she came back to me tomorrow doing everything right, the actual piecing/healing process will take a long time and working through my own emotions would continue to be a challenge.

One day at a time...

[EDF]

WW is on a full-on charm offensive. Which would be awesome if she wasn't still in contact with OM. As it is, it's kinda driving me bonkers.

She's somewhat avoiding touch after I shut her down Wednesday night, but everything else is all guns blazing. She's talking constantly, being friendly, inviting me to all sorts of [censored] (and stuff she knows I like or was already planning to go to), strutting around gratuitously nekkid, suggesting a group photo and then spooning in like she's practically humping my leg. Offering little acts of service like making me a smoothie. Etc.

I'm trying my best to stay aloof and casual - not reacting to the nudity, saying I need to check my calendar, short responses, trying to end convos first, but it's kinda overwhelming and I feel like it's hard to say 'no' to everything when it's stuff she already knows I wanted to do, or we had planned previously.

Even if we're together somewhere, I guess I can still DB it and be light and breezy but distant. Is that sufficient or should I be coming up with excuses and aiming to do nothing out and about with her at this point?

[EDF]

Had a short day trip together to go to the brother-in-law's anniversary party this weekend.

I considered turning down the invite, but it was something I wanted to go to so I decided to go and be careful about not hovering. Going to these sorts of events is also a 180 for me (no one would have been surprised if I skipped it, unfortunately), and I'm continuing to work on being more sociable.

Stayed upbeat but aloof on the drive there, and once we arrived I focused on chatting with everyone else. Sat apart from WW as I was chatting with other people. She eventually moved to sit by me.

Some of the kids were bugging adults trying to get someone to spin the merry-go round, and I volunteered... a definite personal 180, I normally am apprehensive interacting with kids because of feeling socially awkward. However, it went really well. I intermittently went over to help them out, spun the merry-go round, pushing swings, rode on the merry go round with them for a time, and generally acting... well, normal. Playing with the kids gave me good cover to keep moving from WW.

Kids were very appreciative. MIL complimented me on losing weight, and WW dropped some positive comments on the exercise and running every morning I was doing.

Drive home was uneventful. Rest of weekend I managed to stay pretty occupied with doing stuff so minimal interaction with WW.

Declined to go clothes shopping with her Sunday night. Gave a reason, which was true, but I need to keep refocusing on saying less... just 'No thanks' would have probably been better.

Working on planning out my GAL calendar this week to try and get as much away time as possible.

[EDF]

Journaling: I went to back-to-back martial arts classes tonight so got home fairly late. WW had decided to discontinue the martial arts classes so she was doing her own thing.

I got home and started cooking my supper... she offered "oh, you should have let me know and I would have started it for you". I said something like "that's ok I have time" and she left the room in a huff saying "oh I guess another of my punishments for having an affair is not being able to do nice things for you anymore". She was walking away so I didn't bother to respond.

Later in bed as we were both falling asleep she offered to turn on the fan if I wanted. I replied in a pleasant voice 'whatever you want' and she muttered to herself. Ended up in a sort of ridiculous stalemate where I think we both wanted the fan on but neither wanted to budge. She ended up falling asleep (I think) and I left to go for a drive and listen to music.

Tomorrow I have a dance lesson and then am going to the gym so will be another late return home.

[EDF]

Super awkward moment this morning. How do I respond when WW says 'I love you'?

I've been doing great at not saying 'I love you' for months, for all the normal DB reasons, but this morning WW caught me off guard. She was friendly and talkative this morning while we were getting ready for work. Told me to have a great day, then as I'm in my car ready to leave she pokes her head into the garage to get my attention. I get out of the car so I can hear her, and WW says 'I love you'. (First time she's said that since before BD/ILYBINILWY)

I stood there like a deer in headlights, unsure how to respond. Torn between not wanting to do something that might be seen as pursuing, but also not wanting to come across as frigid or angry. After a few seconds of this, WW goes back into house.

I ended up going into house too. In a nutshell, told her "Every day you keep him in your life, is a day you're pushing me further away. <shrug> But yea, I love you too." My "I love you" didn't really have any emotion to it, kinda perfunctory.

Not sure how I should have handled that. I think if WW was being super mean or vindictive, or coming home at all hours of the night it would have been easier for me to not respond, or respond with an incredulous "Really?"; but she has seemed to be putting more effort into many things which made me conflicted. Any thoughts?

[doodler]

I ended up going into house too. In a nutshell, told her "Every day you keep him in your life, is a day you're pushing me further away. <shrug> But yea, I love you too." My "I love you" didn't really have any emotion to it, kinda perfunctory.

EDF,

I read that and I felt like I was kicked in the nuts. How do you feel about it?

I'm terrible at the DB stuff, but it sure seems like she's trying to keep you on the hook. I guess some people would say "temp checking." She wants to keep both of you. What could be better (from her perspective)?

I think a kind-of perfunctory "I love you" requires a strong response, but I'm a meanie, just ask my WW.

[EDF]

I think there may have been a misunderstanding; Just to be clear, when she said "I love you" it had seemed genuine to me. My "love you" response to her I think felt pretty emotionless/perfunctory.

I agree it seemed like temp checking... her wanting to make sure I was still in her pocket so she can take her damn time "deciding" or "cake eating" or whatever with no pressure or risk of loss.

From that standpoint, I think my response was kinda luke warm. Not as bad as it could've been since I didn't gush all over her, or get excited, or go for the reassuring hug. But certainly not perfect... just not sure how to handle it better.

I do want her to feel like she's losing me (and hoping my tepid response didn't interfere with that too much), but I don't want to discourage her from making efforts either. It is possible I'm still being too considerate of her feelings. I think a frank honest I-dont-care-how-it-makes-her-feel response from me would have been something like "I'm not feeling it right now." Would that have been too harsh or just harsh enough?