Toast - burnt or just right

[CWOL]

How's your D going? I have the same issue with my S11, he is an only child and we literally spent all of our free time with him since his birth. I told him about the EA as part of the Exposure very early on, he teared up that day but has been strong since.
Luckily my WW was rational about this and we worked out 50/50 on custody very early on. She volunteered to take him to his baseball practice on my days as they have early starts (4pm sometimes) but I'll pick him up from there.
Of course everything is still theoretical for me as my WW is still living in the house. Move out date is imminent though as separation agreement has been signed.

[CWOL]

Rich,
Saw you commented on my thread. How's it going with you? Does your D $uck as much as mine?

[SH_]

Rich

I wanted thank you for dropping by my thread and for your supportive words. I read through your story and I see a lot of similarities.

I am having one of those angry days where I want the WAW to just disappear into the oblivion. She has behaved in a manner over the past several months that I never saw in the past 20 years. It is mind boggling. I know we are not supposed to believe what they say, but she is cutting deep with what she is saying, how she is behaving, and treating me like I am some common criminal. It's insane, and I really just want it to be over in a manner that I don't ever need to see her.

Unfortunately I have a d5 and at the present time getting full custody of her is not in the cards. But I dread having to co parent with her because she can't conduct a simple conversation with me, so not sure how this is gonna work out.

Anyway I feel your pain, and I'm gonna keep checking in and lending support to you till we reach that sweet spot on the other side of all this. Whatever that may be. But that is one thought that keeps me going. I have my baby girls and there will be something better on the other side.

Hang tough brother.

[CWOL]

SadHub,
I think it was in DivorceCare they said that it is actually more painful to have your spouse betray you than for your spouse to die. When your spouse dies, most of the time you have a loving relationship with her and you will mourn the loss but have closure. With infidelity, not only do you lose your love for the spouse, she is there to oppose you during the divorce and potentially get payments from you. Also, there is no closure if you have children, it just goes on forever.
So far, most of my days have been like your "angry days."

[rich4j]

SadHub,
I think it was in DivorceCare they said that it is actually more painful to have your spouse betray you than for your spouse to die. When your spouse dies, most of the time you have a loving relationship with her and you will mourn the loss but have closure. With infidelity, not only do you lose your love for the spouse, she is there to oppose you during the divorce and potentially get payments from you. Also, there is no closure if you have children, it just goes on forever.
So far, most of my days have been like your "angry days."

I have been on the sidelines a bit just posting to others to lend support as being on this board for about 5 months has taught me alot and I try to provide support too as others did for me.

This last post by CWOL just hit me square in the eyes today.

I have listened and heard many on this board that gave me advice & support early on that there probably is an EA or PA going on which sprung my STBX into action to push for a divorce.

I buried my head in the sand becuz she came from a family where she had been disgusted by her dad/brothers infidelity. She would never stoop this low I said in my head!

But for months I could not prove anything but had a huge suspicion that there was enough to say yes..she had a long distance affair of some sort whether physical or not. It sooon didn't matter as we were heading for divorce which may be close to at least a temporary situation signed in the next few weeks. I have had to bite my tongue and suck it up regardless so we could live together until this gets done. So hard....suspect an affair, get treated like dirt, get threatened , stick up for yourself but only can to a point of being able to live in the same house....ugh....and to keep the smiley face for the daughter.

Well..today I got proof she at least has been in this PA for months at least from after she filed but I suspect before. She doesn't know I know but my first reaction was the same naseua I had when she told me she wanted a D.

Then the anger, resentment, hate....that I thought I had buried and moved on came back to the surface.

I was ready to text her as she is traveling (I suspect with him) but thought twice. What would this accomplish? And now? I need to at least wait until some ink is dry.

Anyone have experience dropping the "I know" bomb to someone who blames you for even probably getting into the affair ? I think most?

It doesn't hurt as much as I thought but just the outright lying makes me wonder who this person is? Was?

My D is young...just 7......and geez I can't tell her but this whole thing makes me look like such the bad guy the way my STBX spins things. Maybe at the right age I explain to her the truth in the future.

What a day.....

[Nate14]

If your dropping the I know bomb make sure you have solid proof. They will lie through their teeth even if you catch them in the act. Be prepared to hear lies. That's been my experience. Hell my wife still won't admit it's an affair after I have all the proof in the world. She's just gonna divorce me and tear our family apart and never admit anything.

Sorry to hear your in a crappy position as well. Don't believe your the only problem and that's why there was an affair. The affair is all on her. It's a choice, just like hooding to work the problems out first before moving on.

[SH_]

rich,

I am sorry to hear that you are in a tough place today. I don't really have any advice as mine is still just a WAW, but many keep telling me something is off. I guess I just don't want to know at this point.

You have been lending great support to so many others and I know that they will be her for you and to share ideas.

You are doing great with D7. Keep it up and that will lend you strength from her love as well as from all the effort you put into being the stable parent for her.

As many say on here, be gentle with yourself. Let the emotions through. And know that anger is okay. Just be sure to temper it for your benefit. Vanilla has a great take on the different shades of anger and the benefits/drawbacks they have.

Take care this evening and share hugs with your little angel.

[rich4j]

thx Nate/Sadhub

Solid proof? I think I do have what I need but don't care to have...

It's a helpless feeling and something I knew deep inside for months but it hurt less to not admit it. Admitting it now strangely enough feels better than if I did before as I dont hurt ...but just am angry and feel I can't do anything without hurting my situation more than it is already.

Calling her out now would feel great especially living in the same house but how that would play out is she would deny deny deny then would blame blame blame if she came clean and just make it so uncomfortable to even be around the same house together So I guess I suck it up and eat my pride and bury it deep inside until I am ready to let it out where it won't hurt our living situation as I don't want my daughter impacted and just stay away from her

Selfish is what she represents now. What type of mom goes away on Mothers day and leaves her daughter and mom on that special day to be with her fling?

[rich4j]

Sadness followed by resentment followed by sadness followed by resentment. I get caught not following my own advice and have sometimes fallen off the "work on myself and be happy" wagon over the last few weeks.

The separation moving to divorce with the reality that I could be moving out within a month has been the cold water reality that has hit me in the face recently...I was doing really well but lately...i think things are hitting home now.

Part of me can't wait to have some peace and be on my own again.

The other part of me which is filled with sadness is all the unknown of leaving the house we had dreamed about just 2 years ago, the place my daughter loves and the neighborhood and the CONSTANT worry of "will my D6' hate me for this and blame me for the D? (even though STBX filed and drove it)

Is she going to hate my new home and be resentful towards me ? Is she going to say I want to be at mommy's! I miss my neighbordhood...take me home!

Do any of you with kids worry about this as a result of the pending divorce?

I find myself getting into the resentment cycle when thinking about this and how I can't control what's next with my move and daughter. And just praying she is OK

I was super resentful and angry with my STBX for most of the past 2-3 months. Times of crying wanting my old life back but recently have just been sad when thinking about her and me. And what could have been if we both took ownership of the issues and didn't quit.

Sometimes I think maybe she will want to come back to me in time and then reality sinks in. Shake off those thoughts and work on a path to getting happy....as I need it.

Have a good evening all.

[SH_]

Sadness followed by resentment followed by sadness followed by resentment. I get caught not following my own advice and have sometimes fallen off the "work on myself and be happy" wagon over the last few weeks.

This is part of the cycle. Re evaluate daily and get back up on the horse. It will minimize your time off of the wagon.

The separation moving to divorce with the reality that I could be moving out within a month has been the cold water reality that has hit me in the face recently...I was doing really well but lately...i think things are hitting home now.

Also part of the normal cycle, but trust me, don't over think it. You will create future scenes that most likely will never happen.

Part of me can't wait to have some peace and be on my own again.

Embrace that part of you. You will find peace and you will move forward on your own again.

The other part of me which is filled with sadness is all the unknown of leaving the house we had dreamed about just 2 years ago, the place my daughter loves and the neighborhood and the CONSTANT worry of "will my D6' hate me for this and blame me for the D? (even though STBX filed and drove it)

Is she going to hate my new home and be resentful towards me ? Is she going to say I want to be at mommy's! I miss my neighbordhood...take me home!

Do any of you with kids worry about this as a result of the pending divorce?

If you focus on your d6 and being a stable attentive father, I can assure you that your d6 will not hate your home or be resentful towards you. My d5 loves my crappy apartment and loves to come see me. She enjoys seeing her mom as well. She prays every time she is with me that her mommy comes back to live with me. She knows who the stable parent is. Be that stable father. Focus on quality time with her as quantity will be divided, this is what your d6 will know. Be very attentive when you are with her.

I find myself getting into the resentment cycle when thinking about this and how I can't control what's next with my move and daughter. And just praying she is OK

Resentment is part of the cycle. Focus on what you can control. You. Prayers are good. Good for your state of mind, your heart and your soul. Be sure to listen for answers as well.

I was super resentful and angry with my STBX for most of the past 2-3 months. Times of crying wanting my old life back but recently have just been sad when thinking about her and me. And what could have been if we both took ownership of the issues and didn't quit.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work. Keep working on your part, and do so to the point that only a fool, would leave you. If the fool leaves, then you will be prepared to attract a person that deserves who you have become.

Sometimes I think maybe she will want to come back to me in time and then reality sinks in. Shake off those thoughts and work on a path to getting happy....as I need it.

Have a good evening all.

Stay on the path to getting happy...that will create the best opportunity for her to come back, but if she remains a fool......see my response above.

Hang in there, stay focused on the work needed for yourself, be the best father ever, and I can tell you, there are many successful folks on these boards that survived the D and are in a better place. Keep that picture in mind and the right things will work out.

I pray for you and your family this night. Be well my friend.