I think it's important to maintain your own GAL activities at this point. It sounds like you are already having expectations that she will meet your GAL needs and it is early days in terms of that.
Maybe reach out to some of your 'rebuilding' chums and see who wants to get together this weekend? I think it is important to stay on track with the GAL regardless of the ultimate outcome.
Hope you manage to have a nice weekend xx
!
I agree - don't stop doing what's working, it was never meant to be a temporary fix.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks everyone. I made dinner plans with friends, and I will skip yoga tomorrow. W and I had talked about going but I was non-commital.
It's a rainy weekend and so I'm napping and watching House of Cards. I do need to keep GAL activities going and be a bit mysterious. I've been too available and too willing to engage in the R talk and tell her how hard it was for me these past few months. No more! NY 2.0 is stronger and independent and having fun! I hope!!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am happy to hear this. It seemed for a minute you were just buying in to whatever she was saying since you were getting her attention again. Make her chase you!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Update: We talked about me moving back home on June 15th. But she's wavering. She says all the right things: she loves me, she realizes she has been selfish and greedy and that the world doesn't revolve around her. But then she tells me maybe I should wait until July 1, after her sister has come for a visit at the end of June. So we're really talking only two weeks difference.
It seems she is so ashamed of trashing me to friends that now she's having trouble justifying why she would want to get back together with me. What other people thinks is very important to her, despite what she says to the contrary.
What do I do? I've already told my housemate I'm moving out by June 15th and she's looking for someone to move in. I could probably figure out a temporary solution so that W can have her long weekend alone with her sister... but it just feels weird that I have to be hidden.
She says she's completely done with ow, doesn't even want to talk to her, and that she's feeling happier and much better about that more quickly than she thought.
It's so hard for me to be patient at this point. This weekend she's already informed me that she's busy Friday and Saturday, so we'll get together on Sunday. And I'm going to tell her that I have plans for Sunday evening, plans with my divorce group friends. But what I really want is to spend evenings with her watching our old shows and just relaxing and drinking tea and talking and laughing. I have to be patient. She says she wants that too.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
You decide what is best for YOU. Two weeks is nothing in terms of this process but don't just go along with Ws ideas. If moving back suit you best in June, do so in June.
If you feel the extra two weeks is to your advantage, agree.
I am just saying that NYGal is stronger more confident and definitely no doormat.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Tread carefully, NYGal. W is being much too wishy washy, IMO. These are not the actions of someone who has whole heartedly made the decision to recommit to your M. After the things she has put you through to this point, she should be going out of her way to accommodate, include, and make you happy. Her concerns about what other people think of her, and putting off your return to the marital home strongly suggest that her focus is still on herself rather than you...and that's the kind of selfishness that led her into an affair in the first place. What's more important...what others think of her, or what YOU think of her (and making amends for the terrible way she treated you)?
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but to me, it sounds like she is still wavering. Was the breakup with OW her decision? If she wants you back, she needs to get over her adolescent preoccupation with others opinion and prioritize you and your marriage. Otherwise, this just smacks of more of the same behavior she's been engaging in all along...giving you just enough to keep you from detaching entirely, but nothing even close to what you rightfully deserve. Don't let her do that to you. You deserve more than the crumbs of someone's love.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I absolutely agree with annab74. That is not the behavior of someone who really wants to commit and make up for what they have done to you. She should have no thought of what other people think if she is truly where she says she is about your relationship. Be careful NYGal. Protect your heart and do what's right for you first. You are the one steering the ship now, not her.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I don't like this at all, either. I'm sorry you gave notice - you need to have your options open. If your housemate hasn't found anyone, can you tell her you need to stay? How about you take charge and make a decision for yourself, so you're not at the mercy of W's whims?
Honestly, I think I would have let a lot more time go by and made some demands in order to move back in. Like putting you on the deed of the house so she can't just kick you out again, or set up a contract for a commonlaw M so you have legal protection. Have you thought about getting your own place at all?
This wasn't a bad dream... It really happened, and none of you will be able to turn the clock back by having you move back in. You can't climb back into the cocoon...
I hate seeing you so dependent on her decision. And I've been there and it was awful. I hope for your sake that you find back together, but I think she needs to do more work on herself, and you could benefit from really feeling independent.
(((NYGal)))
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Ding, ding!! Anna and Painter have spoken for all of us who read your latest update, NYGal, much more eloquently than any one of us could here. My initial reaction was, "No, don't be in such a rush to move back in with W." We have seen several reconciliations come apart at the seams because the LBS takes back the WAS far too quickly.
You've been on your own only....what...2 or 3 months? It is not your job to make W feel better or swoop in to soothe those feelings of discomfort. This is why it's so so critical that the WAS work through those emotions and figure out their chit FIRST before reconciliation occurs. I'm worried that you two will be engaging in rug sweeping without the hard work in examining the patterns and working on forging a new path WOTHOUT the expert guidance of a professional. Preferably one who is a solutions-based marital therapist i.e. Gottman.
I'd highly suggest that you find one asap. This isn't the time to approach with a DIY mindset. Otherwise you two will fall apart and you will be really hurt.
