Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[MoveFrwd]

That isn't to say that I don't hate the way you're feeling right now. No matter what you did in your R, you don't deserve to be feeling this way and my heart goes out to you.

[198127]

How will she know/notice etc? She's out gallivanting. She's moved out (at least for the week).

Should I be posting all my happiness on Facebook? Or just stay completely dark

[DDJ]

She will find a way. Mine lives with me. But still checks my instagram when i'm out GALing. I then blocked her without telling her. 30 Minutes later and I get a call as to why she's blocked.

Still, don't do anything FOR her to notice. You need to distance yourself, to detach and move forward with your life. She is toxic and no good for you, or anyone right now.

And i'm speaking to myself too.

[MoveFrwd]

How will she know/notice etc? She's out gallivanting. She's moved out (at least for the week).

Should I be posting all my happiness on Facebook? Or just stay completely dark

She's staying in a motel with OM. Why do you think she cares about what you're doing now? She isn't going to care until she's ready to. You can't force her to want to rebuild. All you can do is prepare yourself as the best version of 198127 that you can be so that in the case that you get a second chance, you'll be ready.

So post as you would. Live your life as you want to. What improvements can/should/will you make?

[198127]

So, what usually makes them care? When does the fog lift? What happens in a WW to make them in that spot again? If ever?

[LiM]

Go back and read my first post to you. You are not detached. You need to find a way to get there. Go dark and take your focus off of her and put it on you. If you want to post on FB, do it because its what YOU want to do, NOT because you think it will sway her one way or the other. NOTHING you do right now will have any impact on her decision making. She has got to decided on her own that she is going to do the right thing. You can't control her. And her family won't help you either. I know how badly you want to break her of this but letting go of her is the best thing you can do to save your M. Dump her and start moving on with your life. THAT is how you save your M.

[LiM]

So, what usually makes them care? When does the fog lift? What happens in a WW to make them in that spot again? If ever?

A's almost never last. Once they realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and that the OM is not the person they thought they were, the A will die. The WW almost never chooses someone that is "better." I mean, this guy left his W and kids. Is that the kind of person she really wants to be with? Probably not. Its all a fantasy and eventually that fantasy world will come crashing down around her.
She's also got to experience some sort of loss. Typically, that loss is realizing that she has lost you and her family. You've got to start living your life so that she will she what she has lost. In order to do that, you have to move on. Dump her. Emotionally divorce her in your mind. But you must be genuine in this. If you aren't, if she thinks you are only doing it to win her back, she will smell it a mile away.
You deserve better than this. Once you own that reality and start living your life in a way where you truly believe that, she will begin to see what she has lost.

[Accuray]

Hello 198127,

I'm very sorry you are here. There are a few things I would like you to think about:

1) There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.

How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.

2) Your W said that she would be willing to go to counseling if the counselor would "hear both sides" -- what is her side?

It's very possible that you've done nothing wrong at all. Even if you weren't the best husband in the world you don't deserve this. That said, cheating is often an expression of anger. It can be useful to understand why she was angry -- but be careful: do not use that as an excuse to blame yourself. You are NOT guilty of creating this situation in any way.

3) You are panicking right now trying to do something, anything, to regain control over your life.

Recognize that you are in a state of panic -- there is no shame in that. You've been traumatized. When you are panicking, you will act without thinking things all the way through. You don't want to do that, so embrace that you are panicking and wait for it to pass before taking additional actions.


Here's some advice: The *very best* thing you can do right now is to go the other direction. Go dark and do NOT pursue her.

Why? Because right now she wants to get away. Picture that you standing on the goal line right now. There is a foam block between the two of you. When you move toward her, it pushes her an equal distance away. Every yard that you move away from the goal line does damage that is very hard to recover from.

If instead you walk the other way, there is no pressure on the foam block and it falls on the ground. Now your wife can move back toward the goal line without having to "get away" from you, because you've gone the other way.

This is exactly the dynamic you want to create -- create a void between you. Go and do YOUR thing. Be the best man you can be and do not pay any attention to her or what she's doing.

Some people will say "but I want to fight for my marriage!"

Let me fill you in on a secret: pursuing her is the easy thing to do. It's what you WANT to do, so to give in to that is easy.

To go the other direction takes discipline, it's difficult. If you really want to fight for your marriage, that's the work you need to do. Give her space and go the other way.

Right now she resents you.

She doesn't resent you because you've done anything wrong necessarily, she can simply resent you because she feels guilty because of your presence, that guilt diminishes her joy, and that is YOUR FAULT in her mind. It's backwards thinking but is also the reality.

Everything you do right now needs to be measured against the yardstick of resentment. Will my actions make her resent me more or less?

Exposing her affair and involving her family unfortunately will increase resentment as you've seen.

Guilting, shaming, blaming, etc will increase her resentment.

Begging, pleading, crying and being mopey around her will make her feel guilty and she will resent you for that.

The only thing you can do right now to stabilize the situation is to go the other way and give her space.

If you go the other way, she won't resent you, she'll wonder what the hell is happening and what you know that she doesn't. That's what you want.

Acc

[198127]

That is really helpful. Hard but helpful.

Eventually she is coming over our house to get more stuff or to stay there. Do I take all our pictures down before then?

There are also a bunch of [censored] that she purchased in the last few months. Do I return them all (I want to). I think she plans on returning 50% of it, but I dont want it all sitting on my credit card. I don't want to be vindictive but its taking up a room with boxes and such.

[LiM]

I wouldn't take down the photos; at least not yet. That might come across as petty. But if you've got a bunch of stuff sitting around the house that you don't want/need and can get a refund on, I would send it back if that's what you want to do.
Just start moving on with your life. You don't have to be ugly about it but you need to emotionally dump her and figure out how to start living a life without her in it. Let her see that you don't need her in your life and that in fact, you are better off without her. Be awesome in everything that you do.