I went for the "no contact unless its about the kids" option, and it is going quite well. He called a few times in the morning but I was driving so I couldn't answer, I messaged him to let him know I would call later, but he didn't answer when I did. He called a few minutes ago, asked about my day etc, but I kept it around the kids. I called MIL earlier though to see how she is getting on, and thankfully she is ok.
I visited the charity I will be working with to complete my teaching observations for uni, and it went really well. I felt so motivated and happy to be teaching young people that have been excluded from mainstream education, I think it is the push I need to get back into my course and my studies. In fact I enjoyed today so much that I hope to volunteer for the charity in future projects.
Also I called my friend back home and had a good chat with her, managed to get things off my chest and enjoyed talking to an adult for a change!
I feel a little guilty on the parenting front though. My son caught me crying last night. I thought he was asleep so didn't lock myself in the bathroom as I usually do. I told him it was because of the movie I was watching, and he believed me (I cry a lot at movies), but it is not something I want repeating...
Not sure how I am feeling, still confused, still angry, still unhappy, BUT, I am also a bit more motivated in my work and hopefully that will be a start...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Overall, it sounds like you had a productive and satisfying day. You will discover that NC is actually for you and to help you detach. Keeping to safe topics such as the kids is the way to go.
I'm glad your MIL is doing okay. I hope that she'll take it one day at a time for a while until she's back up on her feet.
I think you will enjoy volunteering for future projects and being around young people helps to keep you motivated as well as enjoying the time you are w/them, as well helping you w/your course and studies.
You can be all three: confused, angry and unhappy, but you know what? You got yourself up today and did a lot of great things. Each day will be easier and the gift of time has a way of making things better and you have a lot to look forward to in the days ahead...keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your kind words job, and especially for this:
Originally Posted By: job
Each day will be easier and the gift of time has a way of making things better and you have a lot to look forward to in the days ahead...keep up the good work!
I do actually have a lot to look forward to, I just need to keep reminding myself that. The kids are healthy and happy, and I have a great (maybe last) opportunity at university to do really well, to actually make something of my life. I might write it on the board to see it daily. Thank you!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Esame. Just catching up on your sitch. Thanks for stopping by my thread.
I'm glad to hear your MIL is doing well. I know that's a big relief to you.
I wanted to chime in on the "don't tell me what to do" comment from your H. My H would stiffen and I could see his anger simmering just below the surface anytime I told him "you should" or disagreed with something he said or did, even if I was expressing legitimate concern for him. They absolutely do not want to be told what to do, especially by the LBS.
The trick is to get the message across in a way that makes them privately think about what they're doing and lets them think they've changed their mind (if they do) because it was their decision to do so and not because you told them to.
I try to "innocently" plant a seed that relates to the issue but doesn't directly relate to H. Sometimes it germinates, sometimes it doesn't, but at least I don't come across as "Mom" trying to tell him how to live his life.
I think anytime they hear "You should" or "Why don't you ..." they shut you out and don't hear anything that comes after those words.
I'm looking forward to updates on your University work.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Your "seed planting" sounds like a great idea, I might have to start thinking a few things to have on "standby". The NC is working at the moment, even though it is actually more like reduced contact but I don't call or initiate conversations about anything other than the kids, the MIL, and the weather. Safe topics all the way for us.
He called again today, but forgot to wish me happy Mother's Day. I as a little upset but then he texted later to say "Happy Mother's Day by the way :)" which I found a little too friendly, and not affectionate enough but maybe I'm still too needy, who knows. I should concentrate on the fact that he remembered shouldn't I? Part of me wants to be pleased by it, but I don't think it is enough. It is a measly text with a faceless smiley at the end, I don't know. Maybe I should just lower my expectations.
And on the topic of expectations, he is back tomorrow, and I don't know what to expect. During the visit to his parents most days he has been ok, we had a few great days and a couple bad ones. At the beginning I encouraged him to go out and have fun, and lately I've been NC as much as possible. I have not initiated any R talks throughout the trip, and I have tried to be supportive and nice.
I haven't got an exact date since the whole thing started, I think mid January, early Fenruary at the earliest. I know that in MLC terms that is a really short time, and I'm grateful that we have the opportunity to work on ourselves and our M, but I'm not sure if his way of reconciliation is working. I feel that we are drifting further apart every day, and I worry that if there is an OW or an emotional affair happening I'm simply pushing him towards that direction by being so cold and distant.
I am however working on my action plan, on my goals, on my books and catching up with friends even ones that have not returned my calls. I'm trying to give people more of a chance, and I'm trying to not take everything personally. This is huge for me, I would always worry that if someone has not called it meant they didn't care, and I would obsess over it but not call them. Now I just message again, giving people the opportunity to be human!
I'm looking forward to properly starting my placement, watch this space for updates!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Here are a couple of "seed planting" approaches I've used.
There is a guy that used to work in the same business complex we do and he stops by the office now and then to say hi. He was a severe alcoholic and his health was really bad. He stopped by about a month ago, looked good and said he hadn't had a drink in 54 weeks. His name came up while H was here. I told H about the guy's turn-around and said I admired that he had cleaned up his act and had gained a lot of respect for him as a result.
Another is H's best buddy, who is one of the most self-absorbed, controlling people I've ever met. What a story of complete self-destruction his is. Basically, the buddy "fell in love" after divorcing his first wife (I would have left him, too), began living with his new gal, had two children in rapid succession (still unmarried) and everything fell apart (all her fault, of course, if you believe Buddy). Buddy moved out and also lost his job. He recently received a very good job offer in another country but turned it down because he didn't want to leave his kids. I, of course, told H I respected him for putting his kids first.
Just two examples that are unrelated to our sitch, but plant the seed that I respect and admire people who make poor choices and clean up their act and I respect people who don't abandon their obligations but choose to live up to their commitments. Hopefully, H got the message that I don't hold people's past against them.
But, a word of warning. Be very sure that the message you're trying to convey isn't misinterpreted. They do listen (at least, my H does). I told him some time ago that I thought his buddy's Rs failed because his buddy was too controlling. A few months later, I heard my same words parroted back to me almost word for word as if H had come to this conclusion all on his own. H added that he thought he had tried to control me. I had to walk that one back a little and reassure that him that I didn't think he had tried to control me (and he hadn't).
I think it's true that they are watching and they are listening, so be careful what you do and what you say.
I've learned that you really need to have no expectations about hearing from them on special days and if you do, it will sound more like they are fulfilling an obligation than being sincere. On my last birthday, I had a Happy Birthday text when I woke up with a message that he would call later. He never did. It's painful, but it's better if you can just develop a thick outer skin and not expect anything at all from them. Try to do what you can yourself to make your day special and forget about him doing anything along those lines.
My kids live out of state and my friends here were all busy on my birthday last year, so I ordered some flowers and a tin of Popcorn Factory popcorn. I bought a steak and a ready made shrimp cocktail and indulged while watching a movie. Sometimes you have to take the reins and do what you need to do to make your special day special without depending on others ... including H.
I think we all worry that we are pushing them toward the OP by our actions. But how can they realize the OP is not the right choice if they don't experience a R with them? It is one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I want H to realize that I am the prize and if, under MLC circumstances, he doesn't have the opportunity to make the comparison, how will he see that? He may decide she's the better option, and if so, it's his loss. But if he comes back with questions in his mind about whether he made the right choice??? It stinks, but I don't really see any other path.
You are the better option. Believe it. Be it. And give him time to see it for himself.
xoxoxo
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thank you for your thorough reply and the suggestions 2Times2Many. And thank you especially for this:
Originally Posted By: 2Times2Many
You are the better option. Believe it. Be it. And give him time to see it for himself.
xoxoxo
I have put myself down so much over the years, and it has held me back professionally and academically before, that I really need to BE the better option, because I owe it to myself.
H came back today, and he is somehow a little more familiar. He seems a bit more like the person I loved. And I tried to be open minded, and welcoming and nice. And he paid me some compliments and he was physically closer to me. Not as close as I would like, but more than he has been lately. And he was affectionate, and he didn't have that arrogant look that came with his MLC. And he even apologised for not speaking up sooner about his feelings. Not enough, but a little glimmer of hope definitely. Apparently his parents spoke to him a lot while he was there, and maybe they got through to him? I don't know. He wanted us to talk, and we did talk a little before he fell asleep. When he is like this I feel like he is trying for reconciliation and it gives me hope for the future. I didn't do anything drastic, I was just being open and supportive. I do feel like this is a horrible time for him, so I don't want to hurry things, and I certainly don't want him feeling like his parents are twisting his arm. Then again I don't know if anyone can twist his arm about anything at the moment. Still, there have been many positives today, more than any other day since BD and the weeks before.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, Take the positives and enjoy them. Learn to accept him for who his right not. He's still riding on emotions and while he's acting more like himself, he still has doubts about himself, the relationship and whether or not he wants to remain w/you. Even though his parents may have spoken to him, he's still weighing all of his options.
Esame, you are a wonderful person. You are kind and compassionate and have been a huge support to others on the forum. Please don't put yourself down. You've got a lot to offer the world and you know what? I think you are doing great considering what you are dealing with.
For now, continue as you have been, i.e., a good listener, offer advice when he requests it and just be a friend. Your h has a lot going on and right now, he needs a friend. Keep your expectations as close to zero as you can because you don't want to put any pressure on him right now. He needs to see that you and your home are a safe place to land when he needs support.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Things have been up and down over the last few days, I think we are doing really well in the "being good friends" part, but romantically we have big issues. On a VERY positive note H suggested we get some counselling, this is massive for him, he is not a talker. I don't know if he fully understands what counselling is really about, from what he says it sounds like he wants someone t tell him he was right, so maybe I should be doing a lot more affirming towards him?
We are both happy that his parents are coming on Wednesday, I cannot wait to spend some time for MIL. So far all her test have come back clear, so it looks really promising.
I mess up with H when I overthink about our situation, I can see that now. We have a lot of work but I feel since he came back we have made some baby steps in the right direction.
On the university front I had my 4th observantion and my tutor was kind enough to give me a grade 1 which means that for her I'm an outstanding teacher. I know that it is just her being supportive but it meant a lot to me. She actually spent more time discussing how to improve my research skills in order to get accepted in the PHD next year rather than working on my lesson. I think that she wants to help me finish this as soon as possible so I can then concentrate on the next course. Funnily enough, her H is going through a MLC too and we had a lovely chat about it.
I'm visiting the charity today to get some more information about what I will be teaching on Tuesday and then I want to finish with the spring cleaning so it is all ready for my parents in law next week.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, Your h isn't ready for anything romantically. If you can continue to be a good friend, that will go a long way towards healing. You started out as friends and that's where you have to go back to in order to come forward.
If he wants to go to counseling is he referring to individual or couple counseling/therapy? They say that they want to go to counseling and many of them just go to be going and yes, they are hoping that they get to hear that they were right about everything and that's when they opt to think truly about splitting up the family.
When he does something for you or the family, acknowledge it and thank him. He needs to know that you are listening to him and also are aware of the things he does around the home and w/his family. Romance at this time is not on the table and if he isn't into it, don't attempt to force the issue. Right now, his feelings aren't warm and fuzzy in that department. It's not because of you, but because of him and how he's feeling about himself and the situation, i.e., depression will do this. Don't take it personally. Okay?
I'm glad his parents are coming for a visit and I am also happy to read that his mother is doing well.
Look at you! You got a grade and it stands for an outstanding teacher! That's wonderful! Your tutor sounds wonderful and took the time to discuss how to improve your research skills. She was very impressed by you. I'm sorry her h is going through MLC. It's everywhere these days.
Esame, you are doing well. Don't allow the MLC monster to rock your boat. You are sailing along just fine for now!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
