How to rekindle love?

[Rose888]

Thanks, Phoebe.

[SH_]

Hi Rose,

I think Phoebe hit the nail right on the head.

The "act as if" mind set sets up to react to the best case scenario. It is counter intuitive, but when we do this, we feel better, we create a more positive influence for a good outcome. if things don't work out as if, we are still standing in a better place.

On the other hand when we go into a situation acting as if the worst will happen, we help create the worse case scenario in many cases.

As Phoebe says it is easier said than done, because many of our emotional protections from years of disappointments, wants us to protect ourselves by being prepared for a not so good outcome. Unfortunately that is when self fulfilling prophecies can take place.

[BluWave]

This is hard stuff, Rose. Try and remember that even tho H has made his "decision," he is still struggling with his feelings and some confusion. It is a long process to work through all this. I would say, keep focusing on you and your happiness as much as you can. Have patience with yourself and him. You don't need to change for him.

-Blu

[Rose888]

This is hard stuff, Rose. Try and remember that even tho H has made his "decision," he is still struggling with his feelings and some confusion. It is a long process to work through all this. I would say, keep focusing on you and your happiness as much as you can. Have patience with yourself and him. You don't need to change for him.

-Blu

Thanks, Blu.

We went to counseling and then went out to dinner and talked some more. He said he's having a hard time wanting to re-engage. He doesn't want to open himself up to be hurt again.

It's clear I need to focus on my mental health and try to be happy no matter what happens with the R.

It'll be two weeks before we see the therapist again because I have a work trip.

She wants us to come prepared to talk about what we each need to be "reasonably happy" in the marriage.

I'm feeling sad and discouraged today, like I had my chance earlier in our marriage and lost it. I feel like I need to hide those feelings from H because they will just lead to more R talk, and that won't help H become more attached.

[Ralph88]

Rose I struggle with those thoughts sometimes, but everyone is partially responsible, even your H. You can't focus on what you perceive as your failures. If it was something you can work on and it benefits you for you, then work on it. Otherwise let the H tell you in MC that he needs something from you. Something I feel that I failed, may not even be a concern for my W, so there is no reason to worry about it.

[Rose888]

H and I had a date last night, and H brought up the R. He mentioned that I have been more into him since BD than I have ever been. He feels like the risk of losing him is what made me want him. He worries that when I feel completely secure again, I will lose my desire, and we will go back to a sex-starved marriage.

But he doesn't want to keep us in the current state of insecurity.

So he's brainstorming ways to create and maintain just enough uncertainty to maintain my interest.

When we phrase it like this, it sounds like the distancer/pursuer dynamic. Any good ideas on how to correct this?

H has definitely been the pursuer sexually, but I think he is also often the pursuer emotionally as well--although I can pursue emotionally at times.

[BluWave]

Hi Rose,

So lot's going on in your sitch, anxiety and fears are high, and things are changing quickly! Deep breaths. Try and take this day by day.

I want to leave you with this, because my own sitch is all I really know; for me this has been a rollercoaster for years. The year leading up to DB I can see now where things were falling apart. I can even look beyond that and there were signs way back when. When he first gave up and while he was gone was the hardest. This last year, the piecing, has also proved to be up and down. There will be a few weeks when things settle, we feel close, and I start to feel hopeful, and then BAM--a big fight and my PDSD kicks in. Then there was last night where we had this nice talk--a lot of information was exchanged, a lot of tears and raw emotions, but no one yelled or attacked. It was hard to hear some of it, but we all need the truth, painful or not.

So why am I telling you all of this? Just to highlight that things--people, feelings, life--is ever changing. Your sitch is still relatively new. It's only been a short while that you have even had to think about "what if my M was over?" That is heavy stuff! You have a life and a family with this man! You are still dealing with the anxiety and fear that that is even a possibility some day. So go easy on yourself.

Take it day be day. Try and be gentle on yourself and H. You didn't get to this place over night--maybe over months or years--and it could take longer to come out on the other side. Try and understand that if this is truly what both of you want, it can work. Try and be open to taking care of you before him and understand your own value. Try and really listen and understand him and how he got here.

Most importantly, stop and smell the roses. Those little moments--for you and him, or just for you--are where some of the best healing takes place.

-Blu

[JujuB]

Hi rose

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I have caught up on your thread and I am so sorry you are going through this. To make changes like this while your husband is covertly giving you this ultimatum is just so challenging and I am heartbroken for you.

As you picked up on my thread, my husband had issues with Ed. I never ever thought of leaving him or even flirting with other men because of it. I was really frustrated and felt rejected as well. Regardless of what your husband decides, don't forget your value. You raised 4 of his children and now he decides he wants something different? This is about him, not you. The fact that that you are seeking to get help to restore your marriage only furthers your value

Why not schedule an appt for you and husband with a sex therapist ?

[JujuB]

BTW I am loving the advise Blu wave has been giving you

[Rose888]

Thanks, Blu and JujuB. I appreciate the perspective and advice.

I am doing good, all things considered. I'm working on GAL, the only R talks are ones H initiates and I'm not getting too emotional during them. I seem to be in a sweet spot where I can recognize my flaws and failures in the marriage without having to undermine my estimation of my personal worth.

Undoubtedly this is in large part because I have a lot of optimism that the MR will work out. PMA will be much much harder if things start getting rocky again.

Our second counseling appointment is Monday. I like the idea of a sex therapist, but H doesn't. I appreciate him agreeing to any counseling, as this is a 180 for him.

Recent GAL activities:
- attending an out-of-state work conference where I met lots of influential people
- tackled a big weed patch and transplanted other plants into the space
- bought concert tickets for me and three of my kids for a concert this summer
- played a board game with some of my kids
- enjoying our hammock

The current trajectory is good, but I realize I don't completely control the course.

Tonight H and I have our joint book group. Tomorrow I have my church small group.