Broken not defeated pt 3

[DDJ]

Definitely great Cherry. Initiate no convo at all. My WW started with her convo about her apparent turn-around yesterday. I made no requests besides transparency. Guess that didn't even last 24 hours.

So yeah, my R is dead.

But I am not.

Consistency is also the key. You never hit your target when you slip and don't get up again, so just keep walking.

[Painter]

Cherry, I may have missed this - but do you go out? Do you tell him he needs to stay home with his child so you can do your own thing?

That could also help break up the situation where new fathers feel shut out from the mother-child union, if that's something that's going on here.

[Cherry]

Thanks for the support guys. And you're right ddj, consistency is key.

@painter, yeah I do occasionally or he takes care of him while I get some things done. Recently while in the height of his fog, when I've gone out- he has decided too as well and palms baby off with his mom

[Phoebe]

Good job on not initiating that R conversation. Also- good on you for not looking at the evil phone. it only makes us feel worse.

Again, I need to take lessons from you. I wish I could go back to the last time I saw H and have myself take both Xanax and a STFU potion! We can't change the past, but it's hard to not to agonize over everything we've said or done.

Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing. Baby steps.

[Cherry]

Thanks phoebe. It's hard in a way not to get happy when he is showing baby steps. A part of you wants to initiate talks or even general conversations, the other part is angry and worries that we could end up back here a few months down the line again which I want to avoid.

He has been more upbeat, watched some tv together in bed. Not much conversation but when he has he has been upbeat.

Staying steady, cool calm and collected

[JksD]

You're doing good, Cherry. Don't initiate the R talk unless you are ready to set the boundaries. Initiating the R talk will be pursuing and he may feel cornered into making a rash decision.

These seem like baby steps in the right directions. Is there any way to find out if he was where he said he was? Trust but verify.

Maybe you can wait for others to weigh in as well.

[Cherry]

He had a recipt showing where he was and a buddy of mine saw him where he said he would be with the guys. So I guess he was telling the truth.

R talk still hasn't happened. He seems in much higher spirits, I let him initiate the conversations.

I guess I'm feeling a tad confused as he hasn't yet apologised for any actions. He has just started to creep closer. Nights are still the same. Lots of hugging, he initiated sex. We ended up having sex. I know the jury is out on cake eating,,but sex has always been a thing that has kept us close together. From what my h has said before, when sex is less frequent, he seems to feel pushed away from me

[Ralph88]

Why are you checking up on him? I know it satisfies our desires to do so, but it doesn't really tell much. You are worrying about things you can't control and trying to be in his thoughts and mind. Besides you are basing you happiness on what you find out in your snooping. I think you really need to establish what is would look like if he was committed to your R, and then worry about you until when/if that stuff starts to happen. Sex.. Hmm 2x4, why but the cow when the milk is free. Are you content with this non committed free sex? Is it fulfilling you and your needs, or are you doing it for him or to convince him to be in the R? Is the sex stopping you from detaching? Are you willing to contract an std or worse? Others may differ... Sex is great, but sex in a committed M with 2 loving people is the goal, will you get there this way?

[DDJ]

Perhaps try to detach during sex, he might sense the difference and then not know what to do. i did it with my WW at the start of this. I think it helped wake her up at least for a short while.

[BluWave]

Cherry,

I get the sense you are bright, successful, a great W & mom, fun, sexy, and the full package! You are also very smart and have good insight into your sitch. Honestly, I think we all agree here, that you ARE the W that only a fool would leave!

But, we also agree that H is a fool. A big cake-eating fool! As I read your threads, I can see that you are going in the same circles, and you can't seem to break the pattern. I also still see some mind-reading and assumptions.

Here are a few examples I am seeing:

-You are assuming that H is cooling off his A because of how he treats you that day, less text messages with OW, or how long he holds you. I am sorry, but I don't think you can know that.
-You are assuming that when he holds you tight, he is hanging on to his R with you or not wanting to let you go. I don't think you know that either. It could be as simple as he is feeling guilty for what he is doing! My H felt guilty all the time and that is not what brought him back.
-You also seem to think that if you don't have sex with him, he will see you as being cold or withholding it. You have no idea what is going on in his mind! But what he does know is that you are available for sex no matter how committed he is to you and your M.

As long as he is not fully committed to you and the M, the mind-reading will never work. I think he has been waffling around and throwing you crumbs for a long time, and perhaps you have been accustomed to this. Well I am sorry to say this, but I personally think you are way too good for this treatment! I know that your heart is in the right place, but I don't see him respecting you as you deserve.

I know it hurts. I have been there and I know first hand the pain and fear. And especially with young kids! But I think it's time to really start asking yourself the tough questions. Can you picture your life without him and what does that look like? Have you dropped the rope and are you prepared to, and really follow through? What is your biggest fear on letting go of him and is it worth staying in this open marriage for?

I am sorry for the 2*4s. But I really like you and I think you deserve so much better. You deserve a H that will commit to you, this family, and do anything to keep you! I'm just afraid that part of the problem here, is that he knows he doesn't have to do anything at all and you will always be there.

-Blu