Seriously, paranoia and possibly an eating disorder. (There are types of OCD eating disorders where people will only eat white foods, or canned foods, or in your H's case, non-poisonable food). The scene at the dinner table reminds me of when my daughter had anorexia. She would have wanted the food, and her rational mind would have told her it would be healthy to eat it, but the eating disorder would override that with obsessions about her weight (she got down to 88 lbs).
He is comparing his childhood to that of his own sons. I mentioned to you before that he was resentful and jealous of his sons, the attention they are getting, etc. I believe that his childhood has been revealed to all of you. More and more of his childhood is coming out to play and be revisited while your sisters are there. He is crying for help and attention. He wants his parents, especially his mother to love him. HaWho, this is where you are going to play an active role in this drama. The next time you sense he needs a hug, give it to him. That little boy inside of him is desperately crying to be loved and validated. It breaks my heart to read what he is going through.
It's good that your sisters are there and handling the situation very well. At least they have seen his crisis play out in front of them and what is good about this is the fact that they are outsiders and your h doesn't consider them part of his "mommy/daddy" situation.
I know it has to be very tough right now watching all of this play out, but you've been handling things so well and you are going to have to dig even deeper for more patience and compassion for his lost child that is within him.
Sending positive thoughts your way today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
KML - no, no signs of OCD prior to MLC. And I think the weird eating habits also dovetail with the MLC. He does cook nutritious meals at times, though, since I asked him to clean all his pots and pans he tries to broil everything to avoid cleaning dishes.
He has gone back in time and is eating many, many of the foods that he lived off of as a kid. His mom was working a lot and he was left alone for too long at too young of an age. So, that limited his diet. And he is back to it: English muffins, cereal, quick sandwiches, etc. He told me he lived off English muffins and boy is he doing so now.
As for the poisoning, h has many food allergies. A few foods will close his throat immediately. His mother, quite extraordinarily, took these allergies very lightly. She would buy things and not ask if they were x, y and z safe. Back then, labeling for cross contamination was unheard of! On several occasions, due to her cavalier attitude she did zap him and he did almost die on several occasions. One was particularly bad. He always told her she was trying to poison him and though he tried to joke about it, there was anger underneath. And it was very bizarre as she never really seemed to get the severity of it. I can't wrap my head around that.
So, now, rewind in time, I am his mother trying to poison him and stealing his epipens. I think he's trying to come to terms with this all. I wish him luck as it is truly awful that she was so nonchalant.
I have been busy with my sisters. We are having so much fun. H has on several occasions texted me and offered to do x and y with the kids. He doesn't say it's so that I can spend more time with my sisters. But I always text back and validate. I thank him, etc. He never answers.
He mostly ignores me but is very friendly with my sisters. And, the dog always receives a very warm greeting. He has been in his dorm closet 99.9% of the time he is home. He comes out to make an English muffin, get some water or go to the bathroom. We went out to eat last night and he ate his whole meal. In general his body language is prickly towards me.
Having my sisters witness it all has released me from taking this personally. It's real and they see it. When I see the hurt boy it is really hard to watch. But there are SO many instances now where I can see where he is and what issue he's tackling.
This food poisoning one ought to take a while to reconcile. It's a painful one that the very person who should have been making his home 100% safe almost killed him multiple times.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh and most importantly, MIL was a baker and she would use some ingredients to which he was allergic! So he really was not safe eating in his very own home.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho I'm so sorry that things are remaining tense with your H. It really sounds like he is in a dark place right now, and he is dragging you in it with him. Would he actually accept help? I'm not sure if you are the right person to offer it, but maybe one of your sisters or a family friend or even one of his "buddies" that you could approach? I don't know how someone could deal with what goes on in his mind (both the real and imaginary stuff) without professional help. Obviously you and your sons need help too, but maybe helping him with help you and the boys?
Are you sisters staying long? I wish mine was here with me to kick H into shape (she would!). Sometime you need the cavalry don't you?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I do think your h is trying to work through is "mother" issues and how he lived as a child. He's got a lot of resent towards his mother and the way she was. It will take some time, but he will work through it.
I'm glad he went out to dinner with all of you. At least he made the effort to participate even if he was prickly towards you.
It's nice that your sisters have been there and have been able to observe his behavior. It certainly helps you to better understand that it's not about you at all...but all about him and what he experienced as a child.
I don't think he would be receptive to anyone suggesting that he needs help at this time. He very well may shut down completely and not deal w/anyone in the household if you or one of your sisters suggested he seek help. The best thing to do is observe, validate, affirm and maybe, just maybe the door will crack just a bit and then a suggestion of counseling could take place...but he's not there yet and the door is still shut tight for any suggestions at this time.
You've done an excellent job of dealing w/him and his crisis. I'm sure your sisters have given you a lot of support in the last week. Hopefully things will settle down in the days ahead.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I want to thank you. I don't post much anymore, but I read along.
Your insight and compassion for your H has helped me heal from all the wounds this MLC journey has inflicted, especially the rejection. I really appreciate how you are able to separate yourself from the behavior and see it with compassion and a strong maternal viewpoint.
It's made me look at my exH differently.
Many of us have so many of our own childhood baggage, I can see how it's easy to become tangled and take their behavior personally. Your situation really illustrates how this behavior is firmly rooted in the MLC-er's deep childhood pain.
My exH had enormous, unresolved pain from a very disturbing childhood and abusive mother.
He showed signs of paranoia too when he was at his worst. In his case, he medicated with marijuana daily which aggravated the paranoia. At one point, he thought I had bugged our phones to record his conversations. He never showed any other signs of OCD or paranoia either. But, he would go through periods in our marriage where the paranoia would escalate... usually coinciding with a major life event like the birth of our first daughter or some big birthday.
In his case, he grew up in a home where he was constantly under a microscope for any "perceived" infraction. His mother was batshid crazy about keeping her kitchen clean and if anyone left a dish out or gave the "appearance" of being neglectful or sloppy in the house, she would physically abuse her children. They never knew what would set her off, so he must have lived on the edge constantly with the feeling that any step outta line might bring her wrath. I always thought it was telling that the insides of her cupboards and closets were a disaster--jam packed with crap. Like she was good at hiding the mess, but didn't want anyone to see the reality.
His way of coping was to run to the woods, literally. He spent much of his childhood hiding around the 20 acres where he grew up in order to escape his mother.
He is still running and hiding. What's so sad is how they run from the love and head back to the pain. Maybe to finish it? IDK.
This month is two years since he saw our youngest daughter.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes Job, the mother issues are front and center right now. I have no plan to suggest he get help as he hates me right now. I can't do anything right. It is best I stay out of his way.
Heather- that is so painful about your exh's childhood. How scary it must be to have been beaten for living as a normal kid. That's awful. So many painful issues there. It must have been so difficult to watch that all unfold. Horrendous, really.
So, I am on my last two days here in NYC. I have loved all the walking and sightseeing. I miss my kids though and this felt too long to be away. S10 asked me to come home because the house is too quiet. And that broke my heart. S12 seemed good until yesterday when he said he was mad at me. He told me he wants me back, too. He is quite engaging and he told me he misses my attention. I validated and asked him to be patient one more day.
But the distance has helped me quite a bit. As long as I have a bird's eye view of MLC I will post what I see. I hope it helps others. For those coming behind me, who live with MLCers, make sure you get away every so often. It helps with perspective.
I really see now that these are his issues and I am just this thing in the way of it all. I get it Job!!! (You are probably slapping your hand to your forehead. But I think I sort didn't REALLY get it 'til now. What a slow process this is for us, too.) He has so many issues he's working through. And he wants to pin everything on me. I don't know if it's all projection or if he is dying to get me to throw him out? Maybe it's a combination?
Now that I get it's him and his issues, it frees me. I always knew it was MLC but to see the wacky mommy issues helped me so very much. It gives me a plan of sorts, too. If he leaves it will be on him and his issues. If he stays, I plan to put all this in some sort of a box. I will be polite. I will invite him places. Validate where I can. Hug when it makes sense.
I guess I realize it's time for me to be able to toggle through the various ages better. When he is nuts, just walk away and let him work through the madness. When there is something I can do, do what needs to be done and then leave him be.
The hard part is his unpredictability. What is he going to do next? And how am I going to be implicated in it all?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Glad you've been enjoying your break too - what you said reminds me of the respite breaks my Mum & Dad have to give him a break from caring for her. Time to recharge, refocus, relax, regroup....only thing is where would the MLCers go for their break?
It's good that you've gained some new insight and perspective - you've been having a tough time lately in your sitch and I admire you for sticking with everything.
Enjoy the rest of your trip xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am happy to hear you are enjoying your trip, it is well deserved. Your plan on how to handle H when you return sounds really good. You are one tough cookie HW, I admire you a lot. Enjoy your time until you get your arms wrapped around your munchkins! It's so cute to hear how much they miss you
Have you heard from your H while away or has he been able to handle home and the boys on his own?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
