Both my sisters are here and h talks to one sister (his favored one) quite a bit. I do a lot of listening. He did tell my sister how old he is and went on and on about it. My sister said "get used to it. You'll be another year older next year. Work on the things you can change."
The paranoia is very real and he can't hide that at all. He does not eat any of my cooking. Not one bite. The first two nights my family was here I set plates for everyone. H did not touch his food. The first night he had a "stomach ache" and the second he gave no excuse as to why he didn't eat. I was waiting for him to say "I am not eating tonight because she it trying to kill me." Now I set up buffet style dinners and he does not fix himself a plate. Last night he drank tea while we all ate. The night before he was drumming his fingers all through dinner just like an antsy kid at the table. I am pretty sure that was a little boy right there. (The drumming was constant and even my sister asked what that was after he left the room.)
Lots of PA behavior. S12 made crepes for Mother's Day! What a thoughtful boy! H came in and in front of his favorite sister said: "s12, did you make these crepes?" S12 says yes, though sister and I helped him. So h said (very loud so I knew exactly why he accepted this meal): "if you made them, S12, then I will eat them." Very mature.
He is locking his door each time he leaves the house and when he goes in the shower. One day he returned home and my sister and I were on these couches outside the dorm room. He came home, said hi, and started to get his keys out. But then it hit him that my sister was right there. So he set his keys aside and acted like he was there to talk to us. I guess he still feels uncomfortable about unlocking his door right in front of my sister.
He carries on conversations and at times seems so normal to the sister he adores, that she said to me "I am not sure he is depressed." That made me want to throw myself off the roof. I just turned to her and said, "just keep watching" because I am NOT imagining all this.
At one meal, he didn't eat my food (of course, as I am trying to poison him) but he grabbed store bought corn bread and ate it with a fork and knife while we all ate a balanced meal. That shut my sister up real quick. She kept trying to figure out why he ate it with a fork and knife? Maybe he was trying to act like corn bread was a real meal?!?
He did contact me via text about something house related. The text seemed normal until he again accused me of stealing from him. He wrote "good thing you were not able to steal x." I ignored that completely. I think he wants me to defend myself.
A few odds and ends. He declines all invitations to go out with us. He stays home a lot to look like a good boy to my sister who adores him. He put the huge tropical plants outside the house before my sister arrived. He did not put the wedding picture back. The other day at dinner he was staring at it in a kind of "zone out" for a full 30 seconds. He makes zero eye contact with me. If we are in a group and I am talking he won't look at me. He also never comments on anything I say.
Years ago, he told me that as a child, his remembered his mother was a bad cook. He insisted that her cooking made him very sick and he stopped eating it. He said he ate ice cream and cheese sandwiches. I think he is back to that time in his life. The other day he ate a big container of ice cream all in one sitting. It was larger than a pint for sure. S12 was home with h and said "don't eat all that. It's really bad for you."
Also noteworthy is that when he was a little boy, he got very, very sick. I posted this before. He kept asking his mom to take him to the hospital. She wouldn't. I am not sure why. But his takeaway was that she didn't care about him. I tried to counter that maybe, as a young mother she didn't understand the gravity of it. Perhaps she was in denial of the severity. He said no. He deduced that by not taking him to a doctor she was trying to kill him. I can't help but think that there's some crazy projection being hurled my way.
As for the issue of emotional abuse Mleigh, I think anyone dealing with someone in depression, is facing emotional abuse. From the time they are withdrawing and we sense it, the emotional abuse starts. It escalates at BD when all the crazy confused thoughts are finally voiced. And of course all of us are facing neglect and then then the varying degrees of crazy that come skipping along, hand-in-hand with depression.
KML - those are really good questions. I believe my h is in MLC. I hope he will come out of it. I don't know how long this will go on, how much worse he will get, if he'll come out of this and if so, how he'll come out of this. You mentioned trying a different route if I am hoping to r. What did you mean?
The paranoia is bad. He probably thinks I imported my sisters so that when I bump him off they can help me get rid of the body.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So, Hawho. After watching this behavior, what do your sisters think? It does sound like he's revisiting his childhood and maybe trying to replay that time when "his mother tried to kill him". I wonder if you were to act out the part he has "assigned" to you (that of his mother) and possibly treat him the way he wishes she treated him? Maybe 180 what you have been doing and suddenly treat him like the sick, hurting child he was at the time,and maybe suggest taking him to a doctor? Talk to him about whether he feels sick? Tell him that you are concerned about his not eating...maybe even buy unopened store-bought food that he likes and acknowledge his concerns, but show more that you are concerned about his health? MWD says to experiment. Maybe he's telling you he needs help working through this by having you roleplay his mom. Dunno. Just an out there idea.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I don't think anyone dealing with someone with depression is facing emotional abuse. The person who Not everyone who is depressed lashes out the way he does, makes accusations the way he does. And for the sake of argument, even if the cause of his emotional abuse is the depression, it still doesn't make the emotional abuse something they should be exposed to.
My mother was a manic depressive. Her depression was emotionally abusive to me. I didn't realize what kind of number it did on me until later in life. Her worst was when I was in my senior year of high school and my first year away at college right after my dad left. I can't even begin to tell you what I went through. I dropped out of college because I could not even bare to go home to my mother for a summer. I got my own place and my own job. Sure, I was a kid, but I think at any age, the abuse from emotionally depression affects the ones who are in the direct path of it. Sure, we can handle it better when we are adults and older. But I know the best thing for my well being was to take myself out of that situation. The damage could have been so much worse. But again, the effects really didn't become evident until after my divorce.
I know you love him and I know you believe in marriage to the full extent. But this could get worse. Or it could get better, but it rarely gets better until that person decides to help themself.
A different route may be letting him go be on his own. Removing yourself from the direct path of this situation. Removing what he projects on, what he lashes out on, so he has no one to look to but himself. You handle it great, but if the situation he is currently living in doesn't change, you are always right in front of him to be on the receiving end of his emotional abuse, then he can run into his little room and lock his door, what would make him realize there is a problem? What would spark change? He'll just wake up one day and snap out of his depression without any help and stop all the craziness?
I know this is the stuff you don't want to hear and might not agree with. But I haven't known of anyone on the boards who just snapped out of it one day without a major change. I would also hate to see you suffer ill consequences of his depression and emotional abuse. Even though you have a good handle on it.
You know, the paranoia you are describing is definitely outside the norm for "typical " MLC. The fact that he had a similar episode as a child is interesting. What illness did he turn out to have then? Maybe there's a connection other than the psychological one. His dietary restrictions as a child sound like the result of paranoia and/or OCD. Autoantibodies from strep infections can be one cause of OCD.
Severe depression can sometimes include paranoia or psychosis. Eating disorders can include other OCD manifestations and delusional thinking. B12 deficiency can manifest as paranoia. Some rare degenerative diseases can also present with unusual behavior changes, but I think the fact that he had such a similar sounding episode as a child makes that unlikely.
Also stimulants like diet pills, speed and cocaine cause paranoia. Hyperthyroidism can cause psychosis and irritability.....is he unusually warm?
His behavior is definitely unusual. I like the idea of buying a few more prepared sealed foods to see if he'll eat them. Maybe don't mention it to him though, or he might think you're trying to trick him and have injected them with something. And watch for other signs of OCD ( tapping, counting, excessive hand washing, checking, preferring certain numbers).
What kinds of physical ailments does he have, and what runs in his family? There may be clues there.
Oh my! He's been a busy little boy and yes, he's reliving the time he was a little boy and got sick.
His paranoia is at an all time high and I can't even imagine what your family thinks now. He moved the plants outside? Now that's crazy and he should have left them right where they were. I hope you took photos to show your sisters.
Poor boy, he's a bit of a basket case at meal time. Such a shame to even think someone would want to poison him. Who eats corn bread with a fork? Evidently he doesn't have an issue w/store bought items...just the things that you create...but he's not thinking...if you wanted to poison him, you could inject something into the corn bread! He's really out there.
There's nothing you can do to reassure him about his safety. He'll just have to work through it on his own. If he gets hungry enough, he'll eat.
Crepes was a very nice Mother's Day surprise. I'm sure you and your family enjoyed the day and I do hope that the rest of the time that they are there he'll behave himself...but I think the drama will continue until he actuallys works up the nerve to leave.
I'm so sorry he's escalating...but he is in the eye of the storm (replay) and it may get worse before it gets better.
Thinking of you and your family and hope that the visit, in spite of his behavior, is still a nice one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I used to work with someone who had been poisoned as a little girl. She ate flowers in the garden which had been sprayed with pesticide and had a long spell in hospital as a toddler.
The experience left her with some long term issues about food sadly. If we went out for a meal, she would come along but not eat. She would eat packaged things if she could open them herself and so on. It was such a shame and she was in her 40s when I worked with her.
Do take care HaWho. I am concerned that things seem to be ramping up in your sitch and your wellbeing and that of the kids are the primary things here. Though you do seem to deal well with things I must say.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi HW. You have been handling it all so well, I really do applaud your loyalty and patience. I guess I just worry about what effect his behavior will have on you and the boys, not just now, but in the long run too. If his behavior is allowed and not addressed, will it keep him from realizing something is off? I find it hard to believe this just goes away on its own, without professional help. So at what point is that spoken and suggested?
Just my thoughts, again, you know your world better than anyone and seem very intelligent....it just seems that this is escalating, how far will it go? I hope this helps him to see some of what he is doing and thinking, and I am glad your sisters are there for you.
Take care of yourself and boys
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
HaWho I'm sorry about the escalating madness. I think his behaviour is so extreme now that he should actually seek help. You are doing amazingly well considering how crazy he has become, how are the boys coping?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
HW--I am worried about you and the boys, too. His MLC seems to have taken on a life of its own. Please take care.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
HaWho, Your h's behavior is escalating, i.e., very similar to what my xh did. If he continues to escalate, you will need to make some decisions about what you will or will not tolerate when it comes to his behavior around you and your sons. His paranoia is getting worse. Be careful around him when he comes out swinging and angry. They aren't able to control that anger and I would hate to see him get physical w/you or the boys.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
