Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[DDJ]

@Ralph, who's covering up the tattoo?

You're losing focus of your ultimate goal. She is not. If someone told you right now, if you could renew your vows with this mutant, would you? So focus on fixing yourself and see what she does, from a distance.

[DDJ]

She is not it.

[Ralph88]

DDJ, tat on me. Her name. No I wouldn't renew with her.. I wouldn't even ML if she offered, that's been since Dec. I'm letting that alien wonder, and I'm staying away from her drama. I haven't initiated anything in weeks. We haven't spoken since last Sunday at church in person.

[sandi2]

Let's look at what we know. There have been three people, rather close, lost in death, simutaneously. She has admitted to an A with OM at work. Did the A begin before of after these deaths? She had announced she wants a D. You have notified certain people about this A, in hopes they can influence her to stay in the M. Your W plans to stay with a GF for at least a week.

How do I act towards her if my ultimate goal is to a)break them up b) reconciliation?

Well, you have already exposed the A to some people, and it doesn't appear to have slowed it down. OM's W has kicked him out, and your W is leaving the house. What's left? Tell her co-workers, or notify HR and see if you can get OM fired, or get your buddies to go with you to beat up the OM, try to poison her against OM?

The mind of a WW seems very complicated to LBH's. The more her H attacks the OM, the more she likely will defend the OM and direct more hatred toward her H. And, the more the H pursues the WW, the more unattractive he is to her.

At this point, I am not sure if your W is reacting to recent things in her life, or if it is an excuse. Either way, I think she has to feel she is free to make her own choices. Sure, you can put pressure on her, but will that cause her to fall into your arms? You may be able to run the OM out of town. That's not a guarantee she will want to stay with you.

Know what your core values are, and don't compromise them. Show inner strength and confidence as a man. Stand firm in your beliefs and morals.

How to act when riding back from the airport? Be confident in who you are. You may not know who she is anymore, but you know who and what you are! Do not initiate a relationship talk. Do not try to flirt with her or chase her. Certainly no pleading or trying to reason with her. A WW is not logical.

Don't search for something to talk about. Be calm, relaxed, and in control of yourself. Don't act mad (although you have ever right to be angry) and don't act as if you are sullied and cold. If she starts talking about her plans, or the M, just listen and don't feel like you need to defend yourself or argue with her. Even if she drops a hint that she isn't sure what she wants (be careful, that's a trap) or seems hesitant about anything........do not jump in and try to persuade her. Be Mr. Cool, not Mr. Kool-aid.

The more pressure she feels from you, the more she'll want to get away from you. Do you want her back for any other reason except that she loves you and wants to be a wife to you?

You may, or may not, see a lot of game playing from her. Don't believe what she says. Don't fall for her little tricks.

When interacting with her, for now, use your best poker face. She needs to wonder what you are thinking, doing, feelings, etc. Don't talk about how you plan to improve yourself. Don't make promises.

These actions may not be at all what you feel like doing. DBing is counterintuitive. DBing is fighting for your M, it is just a different way. You will want quick fixes and fast results. It doesn't work that way.

If you can tell us any more about the marital history, it may help us.

I think there is a very good chance of reconciliation. It is going to take more time than you think. I hope you stick with us and post often.

[198127]

Marital History: We have been married for 4 years. No hint of anything deeply wrong. we have had fights in the past about me not respecting her emotions. As recently as December, she was publicly telling people how I am the best husband ever, so supportive, how she could not get through this hellacious year on the job without me.

Their interactions started right before the deaths (They were working on a project together) but she says it did not turn physical until after the second or third death. She doesn't remember exactly when.

I am on the plane now. We saw each other. Cordially discussed our weekends, how the wedding was, how great my friends are. I made her laugh for a second. She touched my leg within first 30 seconds of convo (she basically hasn't touched me in a month). All very odd. She also asked me where I went for weekend even though she knew where I went bc she asked her gf to look at my social media profile for a platform she doesnt have. Apparently she refused to talk to her bestfriend about this the whole weekend even though her friend knows and she knows that her friend knows. Friend reports she was very sad during the wedding ceremony.


Her mom sent us an email about couples counselors. I asked her what she thought of it. She said, what do you think of it. And I said, I think it could be really helpful, seems like it at the least it might make our interactions and discussions less awkward than the present one, but that it kind of is on her if she wants to do it. She said she would think about it (which in my mind is a backtrack to what she had told her mom).

The other side of this is that since last week, she has told me and her mom she is going to come home tonight, pack, and stay with a close gf. Today, I asked her which friend she is staying with tonight and she said she didn't know. I asked her, don't you need to tell them if you are going to show up at their house at 11PM? She said she got a hotel room for the night but is going to go there for the rest of the week. I have serious doubts that she actually got a hotel room and is not just staying with OM, despite promising her family she was not going to stay with him and was going to be only professional towards this guy for the next two months because she doesnt want to risk her job.

2 more hours on flight. then another awkward interaction I am sure as we go get our dog (who she loves but I will make sure she never sees again if we get a divorce), she packs, and goes off to who knows where for the night....

[DDJ]

Stay strong 198127! She's gone but you're still alone. Feel the pain and don't hold back.
My WW was praising me on valentines day as the best H ever, to everyone. Then 12 days later i got my first BD. Its probably just the start of cake-eating...

[Coconut]

198, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on, I see a lot on these threads that the fog blocks everyone out from the WS, even close family members... Try and believe that she needs time alone to process everything going on and that part of it is trying to figure out what friend she wants to lean on, it will be easier for you... I know that every time I misterously leave the house I'm not out meeting up with someone, often just going to spend time alone to contemplate (and read up on all the materials)...

We are here for you if you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to put your emotions out here, helps me to get it out..

Praying for you.

[Ralph88]

Yes.. Spend time venting here, not to S. She has her own stuff to deal with and she doesn't care about you. The more you lean on her, the more you look weak! Work on you, try to block her, her actions and her reasons out of your mind. I almost went crazy thinking about that stuff! The reality is she may leave and be gone forever. You can only work on you, think about you, and fix you.

[LiM]

198127

I'm sorry you are here. I want you to pay very close attention to what I'm about to tell you. Read it and then read it again.
There is NOTHING you can do to snap her out of this. NOTHING. She has to be willing to come out of the fog on her own. There is nothing your family or her family can do. Essentially, they will only be guilting her out of the A and back into your M. That will NOT work in the long run. You do not want your W back because she was guilted into it. You can't reason with her. No one can. The only way she can come back and make it work is if she is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to right her wrongs.
I can guarantee you that they have had sex. Dont fool yourself. He's been kicked out and she's leaving the house too? They are their only support system right now. They will continue to see each other.
Read the book. Then, detach, 180 and GAL. You need to deploy the LRT. You need to go dark. Stop pursuing her. You need to emotionally divorce her. Dump her and begin figuring out how you move on with your life without her. This is all counterintuitive but THIS is how you save your M. Make changes in your life to my YOU a better person. See just how awesome you can be without her. This will do wonderful things for you emotionally. The side effect is that she will also see these things. She will see what she is missing out on. She will see that she is a fool to have done what she has did.
I am now just over 4 months since BD and my WW and I have begun to piece our M back together. But this has happened for me at light speed. Things don't normally happen this quickly. I'm frankly a little concerned that it turned around so quickly.
Believe none of what she says and only half of what she does until proven otherwise.
Read ALL of Sandi's threads on the LBS.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1

[198127]

I have the book ordered. Should be here in a day or two.

What does LRT mean. What does BD mean.

I'm 95% sure they are having sex. Will eventually need to know the details if we are trying to recover, but otherwise, I'd rather not know if we are finished.