What should I be doing? (2)

[Coconut]

Link to first thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2673509#Post2673509


I thought about naming this one what I shouldn't be doing... I so suck at this, but there is a lot of good information from Sandi2 and Wonka in part 1.

[Coconut]

So, basic recap, W of 8 yrs started acting cold and distant about a month ago, said it was because I disengaged from family, which is true. Found evidence of affair 3 days ago, and I've been really bad about disengaging and not pushing, like really bad at it.

I told wife when I found out that I won't share marital bed with cheater and she is currently sleeping in guest bedroom.

My last post was about issuing an ultimatum and everyone made it very clear it was a Dumb, Stupid, Irrational thought so I'm not.

[Coconut]

Ok, so i haven't reached out to wife since yesterday afternoon, except to shortly reply to text from her, this morning she text me good morning and I replied GM, then later she text a picture of her and BFF at beach and I replied looks like y'all having fun, then a little later she asked what me and son doing and I replied I'm out, S at home... No further contact.

Wonka says don't talk to her for a week, if that means not at all I can do that, but she keeps talking to me and not sure if I should not reply by txt or in person at all or just give really short generic response. If she says she wants to talk I'll tell her nows not a good time, we can talk later. I'm thinking she may ask me if I want to look at her phone, I'll guess I'll respond the same...

I have a real problem not tearing up when I talk to her, I think it's partly because of no sleep in days, so gonna try again tonight. I seriously need to get my manhood back, I just keep thinking about the wife I married and losing my step-son over this and it tear... I'm gonna make appt with doctor to see about depression medication sense I believe that also has a lot to do with the crying.

I also gotta stop checking phone records, because when I see OM number I lose it. I know it's not her right now, but the disrespect is real.

I've been out all day, a few times the sitch popped in my head and I had to hold back tears, but for the most part it was a good day.

[cbtdad]

Breathe!!!
Trust me I know. I've been there before
The first time around when I found out about the A my head was spinning
I could do nothing right
You have to understand that your WW cares more about the OM right now than you and your family. It's so addictive. This is not the woman you married. You can't trey it the same way. YOU HAVE TO DETACH! Not only for having any chance at saving R, but for your own sanity.
Sandi was invaluable in my first stint here a few years ago. Hey and about 5 others really really help me through what I thought was the end for sure.
It wasn't unti the OM was out of the picture that W started coming back out of fog.
One of the toughest things I ever did was watch my W get over another man
It's why I could never do it again
But I jumped in right away and fixed a lot of things
But I didn't continue the progress I was making after we reconciled. So now here I am again
That is why it is so important for you to do this for you and not her
It won't last if it's not for you
What's the new coconut look like?
Who is the man that you think is the best you?

Trust me I know it goes against every instinct Sandi says, but you must listen
Hang in there
This is a marathon not a sprint

[Coconut]

Thx CBT, I'm trying to breath and take a minute. I have been the best with my GAL activities, I've done more stuff in the last 4 weeks than I did in the previous 2 years.. Im gonna find a meditation class to go to this week, and I just started reading the thought stop chapter in DR, hopefully I can find something that helps my control my thoughts and emotions. I've been dressing better, keeping the MB neat and tidy, always wearing cologne and she has been noticing.

Physically I'm feeling good and my son loves all the extra attention from me, especially since W is hardly ever with him du to academy. Does the fact that her feelings for him and how she treats him hasn't changed mean anything? I wonder if she realizes the impression she will put on him if he ever finds out, it really hurts to think I could lose the opportunity to live with him from all of this.

How do you guys deal with not involving family members? While out today with family, I fielded questions left and right about W, such as how's she doing in academy? There where lots of answers I wanted to give, but I just said she's doing well on all the tests..

I'm really impressed with the strength some of the LBSs on this board have, my sitch isn't nearly as tough as some other stories I've read, and the strength you all have to keep fighting astonishes me.

[cbtdad]

"dressing better, keeping the MB neat and tidy, always wearing cologne and she has been noticing"

This has to be for you!!!!
You are trying quick fixes thinking that she will just snap out of it.
Unfortunately it's very unlikely to happen like that. It has to play its course. I learned the hard way. I constantly would think, "oh this is it. She done with the OM"
Only to be right back where you are feeling again.
You sound a lot like me when it comes to control.
This is something you can't control. The sooner you understand that, the sooner this will get a little easier to understand
Let's use the snooping as example.
Because I was a pro at that and still am
It's something I struggle with all the time
But let's be honest to ourselves. Regardless of what we find, is it gonna change the present situation right away? Can we control it?
No! But we can control whether we snoop or not.

I had a great example tonight of understanding where I am again
I got home from work and the neighbors came to join us.
They were talking how relaxed I was and also how relaxed I was last night
I thought to myself, wow you know what I have been relaxed lately.
You know why?
Because I started reading DB again and it reminded me that this about me and that's all I can control

Just remember this is a marathon not a sprint! There are no immediate results!

[sandi2]

Think about it. Why would she be chatty when she is suppose to be away having fun with her BFF. This is how she's checking to see if you will go all melty-cheese man. Don't chit-chat while she's gone. Turn the phone off. You need space without her distraction, so you can think clearly. Every time she sends a photo or text, it messes with your emotions.

Today, will you just take in the information, without jumping into radical action? I stayed near my IPad all day yesterday, hoping to hear what was going on, so we could try to straighten out a few things before matters were made worse.

Can you recap exactly what you have told her, if anything, after she told she called the OM and that they would resume to a professional relationship?

When is she due back home?

To clarify, during the talk when you confronted her about the A, you said you expressed concerns about them working together. Was anything else said about the M? Anything said about her moving back into the MBR? Anything else you remember about the talk?

You did not give her an ultimatum, right? After you asked her to talk to your cousin/friend, was anything else said about the A or MR?

[Coconut]

Today, will you just take in the information, without jumping into radical action? I stayed near my IPad all day yesterday, hoping to hear what was going on, so we could try to straighten out a few things before matters were made worse.

Thank you for looking out for me Sandy, I apologize to all those I made worry about me. Going for Mother's Day celebration (I uninvited WW a few days ago), I should be back around 3 pm EST. I'm going dark for now, she'll be gone when I get back..

Can you recap exactly what you have told her, if anything, after she told she called the OM and that they would resume to a professional relationship?

I asked her what OM said, she responded OM knows I'm married and understands. has she spoken to OM since, no "it's not like he's sitting at home pining for me". I asked how she could think I'd be ok with her working with OM. I told her I don't know if I could ever be rebuild trust with that, she said I'll resent you if you make me quit.

When is she due back home?

WW got home this morning, I was out for a bike ride and I stopped to buy some clothes. When I walked in I cordially said goodmorning and went to MB. She had put a list of passwords on the bed for me, but I'm putting them in a draw and not looking at them. I've been n Mb since, and will be till I leave.

To clarify, during the talk when you confronted her about the A, you said you expressed concerns about them working together. Was anything else said about the M? Anything said about her moving back into the MBR? Anything else you remember about the talk?

Nothing said about moving back into MB, I said that I want to see if we can save marriage but she needs to be there to. I said I was hurt that she started EA (so she says) after I woke up (ILYBNILWY speech) and started bettering myself, that we could have been happy in months as opposed to what now may take years. That I now know things about love I didn't before, I pointed out I express love with acts of service, and she needs words of acclamation (she teared up when I said this), that I always thought as sexy and beautiful, just didn't understand how important it was to say it. If I can remember more I'll add to this.

You did not give her an ultimatum, right? After you asked her to talk to your cousin/friend, was anything else said about the A or MR?

No ultimatum, When I fly off the handle I express my thoughts here, and I tend to follow guidance given (except back the F off, have a hard time with that one). No, after asking to talk with cousin I said nothing else about marriage, I don't know if she talked or not.

Ok, I gotta get ready and get out, I'll be back in 4 or 5 hrs.

[Coconut]

Ok, so turns out WW didn't go to her mothers as planned for Mother's Day... She must be fuming, I uninvited her to my Mother's Day celebration (which was awesome time), her mother ended up going south of us so they spent one hour at a pizza joint, and she didn't get a card from our S..... Not a good day for her today, I feel bad, but I have been harbor in a lot of anger towards her today... What she did is really sinking in now, I am pissed that she disrespected me and our family so much....

Anyway, since I found out they didn't go up to her Mothers, I decided to get out and go to a movie, as luck would have it, they got home as soon as I walked out.. I said hi to my son, joked with him then walked out, didn't say goodbye.. She text me and said "so if your gonna leave whenever I get home, we are going to have to tell son", I wanted to text back and say "we don't have to do anything, that is your mess to clean up", but I didn't want wonka to hit me with a 2x4 studded with nails, so I just turned off my phone..

Now I'm home and it turns out she went to the fire station (damn, she has 2x4 studded with nails too)... But I'm ok, I'm strong today, that sleep did me a lot of good... I still haven't used any of the passwords, I'm pretty sure she woulda deleted everything anyways, so it wouldn't prove anything.. My goal is to not use them unless something in her attitude changes for the worse, but even then I really don't want to.. If we do rebuild, it would mean a lot to me to know I rebuilt without spying and snooping, and what could I do anyway... FYI, I have been using "Find my IPhone", but I am ok with that.

Sandi, did I mess up real bad with what I've talked to her about, or is there still hope for me?

[Coconut]

Ok, couple of hours later and she's still at the fire station, except now her phone has gone to the back corner of the lat.... Quick, someone tell me I shouldn't go over there