after speaking with my coach, i should tactfully and creatively defer talks, when asked by her about 1/3 of the time. when i pick up the boys on tuesday and she corners me, to say things like, i've got a lot to do today and i need to get going, but maybe thursday.
he says that it's good that she wants to talk, but i need to validate her more. and let her know that i'm not inviting her back to the old marriage, but that there is a new relationship possibility, where we have both grown.
You seem to think that because she is a princess, will get frustrated, or will perceive boundaries as punishing her, that you should then be careful with what you say and do? I completely disagree! This is not about her, this is about your boundaries. You teach everyone you meet in life how to treat you and what you will put up with, including her.
You can listen, validate, remain calm, etc, but you are allowed to exit a conversation or situation at any time. That is your comfort zone and your right! Do not walk on egg shells for this woman. Show her the new you has more self respect than that!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
so, tonight was the night that our boys had their cub scout banquet. i showed up first with the boys. and she came about 10 min later and sat down with us. and we spent 2 hours as a family.....kind of.
it was aquward at first, but i remainded friendly and warm but i made sure that i was not really into her, but more into the whole scout thing. she and i talked a lot. mostly about day to day stuff that happened this week. then she told a funny story and we both laughed really hard.
at the end of the night, i gathered up the boys to leave. and she came over tapped me on the hand, as i was talking to someone else and said good bye with a smile.
there was no relationship talk. no anger, no avoidance on her part.
everything seemed good. but i dont know how to take any of this for the long term.
what i failed to mention, was that she seemed to be very into me and wanting to know things about me. and i stayed a little bit mysterious. she gravitated towards me when i would get up and go talk to someone. this is polar opposite from a year ago.
Did you read my post? I'm not sure because you didn't mention it.
It seems you are trying to mind read here and are desperately looking for any sign. Perhaps she is just being friendly. Perhaps she is cake eating and just wants a friendship while she has OM fulfilling all her other needs. Is that ok with you?
Success is when she wants to come back to the M. And might I add that you cannot measure success in a couple interactions.
I'm sorry for the 2*4s, but it appears you are not wanting to take in the advice. DB is for you. The focus is accepting that she is gone right now and focusing on YOU! I don't see that you have accepted that.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
bluwave. i did see your post. i admit, that i can do better at db and working on myself and worring less about her.
but im starting a tremendous shift in her behaivior. she is staring to do her own 180, only she is chasing me instead of running away.
it seems that a lot of you here are focusing on an all or nothing agenda vs. a stick and carrot. what i have been doing seems to be leading in a positve direction, and im coming here to validate my observations.
a month ago when i left the house and started my 180. she was talking to the OM agian. wanted nothing to do with me. wanted space, was depressed, unhappy, cried daily and wanted a D. now here i sit, and she claims that the OM is gone, she is chasing me more and more. wants to be around me and is putting her life back together. i give her a little taste, and i go back to being distant. i let her have a little tast and i go back to being distant. this process is not all about running away and never coming back, hoping that somebody waves a magic wand and poof her heart is changed. its about capitolizing on opportunitys that you are given. making mistakes and learning from them.
as far a GAL and bettering myself, im kicking butt in that area, my circle of friends is growing by the second. im canceling plans due to being double booked half the time. i am a way better father than i used to be. i feel happy and fulfilled. the only way i would let her or anyone into a partnership with me is if they actually improved my life. i am not longer going to be in a crummy relationship. im happy alone. but could be so much more with someone.
so yes, i come on here and talk about her alot. why? everything else is great. my coach and i have discussed this several times. he tells me how far ahead of the curve i am at everything else. and he has told me time and time again, to show her that i am still an option for her, but to keep my distance. that if she shows a little interest in me, to bait her a little bit see the response and then go back to distanceancing my self.
got jumped by her when i went over today to pick up some things out of the garage. she just came right out and said, "its over" ,"i dont think its going to work between us"
i calmly, said well, do what you gotta do. im taking my time with my thoughts before i descide.
then she asked, can we still be friends if we divorce. i said no, i cannot have a friendship with you. either we are married or nothing. i will drop the kids off at the curb. and that will be the extent of our existance.
i pack up and left. when i got home i had recieved a mile long text from her. saying that for this to work, we both need to be in it 100%. that she doesnt know if she could ever be close to me. but living in limbo is killing her.
oh, the waffling and boldness is catching me off guard. emotionally im fine. i expect this flip flopping and im used to it. but she is getting more and more bold and closer to the next step, what ever that may be.
Your WW is use to manipulating you and getting you to do whatever she wants. When she sees she can't manipulate you, then, eventually, she is going to start feeling attraction for you........b/c she wants a man who is his own man and and not a puppet on a string. Note, she will still test you, b/c she wants cake and b/c she has gotten her way for far too long. However, I see that you CAN withstand her little tests, so I am feelings more confident about you. I hope you are, too.
Just b/c a woman has a princess entitlement, does not mean she gets to be treat others as though they are peasants. She can't be wayward and at the same time, walk around as though she has a crown on her head. The man who does not kneel at her feet, will be the man she will want to conquer.
The interaction at the banquette........take it for no more, but no less, than her apparently being attracted to the man you are showing yourself to be. Now I will be the first to tell you guys that women (especially waywards) can be the most conniving, game-playing, manipulative, deceiving creatures on the planet. I am very suspicious of a wayward when she suddenly displays *nice* behavior to her betrayed H. In this particular event, I just have a little feeling there was some attraction. I am hoping real hard it was.
Let me warn you, however, (you knew that was coming....right?), the next contact will probably be her testing you again. Usually, whenever a WW is suddenly terribly sweet or nicey-nice, she is setting you up for something to hit you with later. So, don't get completely thrown off your horse if it comes your way.
As long as you can smile & wave, while you continue displaying a nonchalant attitude when dealing with her or whenever thrown in her presence.........I think it will be to your great benefit. The WW has to go through a process of sorts, and it takes time. I know that it must feel like an eternity already, just know that at long as you don't compromise your own integrity and lower your standards to believe you deserve nothing more than what's offered.........you will come through a winner.
How I hope that she will truly sees the man you are/have become and to realize she could lose it all. I pray that remorse will grip her heart and she will have the desire to give her very best efforts in saving her M. She has a long road to travel, still. Don't accept detours and short-cuts from her. When she feels remorse over the utter pain she has caused her H and family, and she can approach you with that humility in her spirit......THEN, and only then, can the MR have a real chance of being successful. You never reach a point in the MR that you can stop working. Not if you want a good one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am expecting a long and treacherous road. and so far i haven't been disappointed. she still has some milestones she would have to meet for me to even begin to consider her again.
i have found what i think is a good plan for myself to be happy and healthy. i have also found what i believe to be a good plan to deal with her. I will constantly be checking and adjusting as needed. the hardest part, is i never know who is showing up to the party. it could be any one of, or a combo of the ten different women who all resemble my W. somedays its the sad, mad, lets get a D wife. and somedays its the playful, kind, lets see where this goes W. and it usually changes in mid sentence.
so when she gets here to pick up the kids in about 10 min, i see which one of the 7 dwarfs are sitting on her shoulder and whispering into her ear.
hopefully this shift in her overall behavior stays. if so, or even if not, the sun is shining today. im meeing with my buddies after church. and when they go home, im meeting with another friend to prep my motorcycle for our trip next weekend. let the good times roll.
and say what you will about me and my motives, but today i was able to snoop her phone for 10 seconds. and i saw that her OM # has been deleted as well as all of their conversations.....
Stop snooping. That doesn't mean anything, and it can change in 5 mins. It's like saying a heroin addict didn't have any drugs or needles on them when you checked. They are only a few minutes away from obtaining both.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
