Real quick background. W and I separated 1/2013 and reconciled in 6/2013 less than 3 weeks ago she hits me with she wants to separate and "reboot" things. We go to MC next day who we have been seeing for the last few years. We agree to in home separation and move in to guestroom. She hasn't worn wedding ring in couple of months either. Lately I start getting real suspicious that there me be an EA or PA going on. Some similar signs to last time, but she denies of course. I do think a lot of it was in my head since last time. Over the last couple weeks we have been getting along for the most part a lot better. She has said numerous times that she isn't angry anymore and shes in a better mood because of it. we are still working out together, watching shows, etc. She even brought up this morning about me going to her work banquet with her. I bring up relationship stuff way too much and I know this. I need a 2x4 big time on that. All this time I couldn't get the possibility of someone else out of my head. So I snooped. I couldn't get access to her phone, but I did have access to her ipad. I was able to link her ipad to imessages and now see some of the messages. After seeing messages I am 90 percent sure that she is not in an EA or PA. Still could be, but doesn't seem like it. BUT............ I did see a text a couple of hours ago which was the following: W: "I'm miserable. And don't want to be married anymore but terrified to say that. And terrified to do it on my own."
Friend: "You're not alone"
W: "I feel shitty not giving cbtdad another chance"
Friend: "How many do have to give before you say you're done? I'm not telling you to get a divorce. I'm telling you that you need to think about what you want"know
W: "I don't know"
Friend: "if you want to be single then tell him"
W: "The whole thing is terrifying. Staying and leaving"
Friend: "But if you want to give him another chance you need to" Friend: "And you need to try too"
W: "I just don't know if I ever really loved him again after the last time"
That was the last text I saw. We are going to see MC on Wednesday. My guess is she is going to tell me this there. I know I have to shut my mouth about any R talk between now and then. I've got to detatch. Last time I DB'ed it seemed easier since I was away from the house. Although I must say it took me a while to get there. I was a wreck for a few months after the first bomb. This time I feel like I can handle the divorce or separation a lot better, but it still wont be easy It's not what I want. There are time when I don't feel in love with my wife and I worry she cant make me happy, but I do love her. I do want it to work if it could. I know for me more than anything I need to give it all I have my 6 year old. I want him to be in a happy home unlike I had when I was growing up. I need some 2x4's and advice from this board. Ive got to keep my mouth shut till Wednesday no matter what
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
BTW. After I saw these texts I told her the same thing. I didn't tell her I saw the text, but told her Ive been thinking about things and that I think I'm scared to just leave and scared not to give it one more try. Told her that I know I love her, but Im not sure Im still in love with her. Told her though I think about our son and he deserves that last chance which is what I refer back to. Everything I told her I do believe. I am scared. I do think our son, as well as our marriage, deserves one more chance. But she rolled her eyes and was visibly upset bringing it up At that point I said Im done till MC on Wednesday That is where I left things before I came to post here again.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Didn't you JUST post that you need to quit those R talks?
Yeah. Do it. Cut them out.
Start over.
Step 1: get back to a beginners mind.
Yep, time to start over from scratch. Go back to the beginning. Read the book again. Detach, 180 and GAL. My guess would be that this is your last chance so its time to get serious about this. What are the issues in your M? What are your issues? What are hers? You fell in love for a reason. Where did that guy go? How do you get him back?
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Yes. I have the book still I just threw it under the bed and hid it. I will start reading. I know this is last chance Her problems are that I'm controlling, verbally abusive, emotional abusive, and not supportive. Her love language is acts of service and I've felt short in that category big time. My issues with her are that she isn't passionate, she doesn't like to socialize much, she withholds sex as punishment, and she just doesn't seem to want me Problems in marriage are trust, respect, passion, communication, and happiness. I need to get back to being me. Trust her regardless and just be the best me I can be
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thought I would give a female's perspective about the withholding of sex as punishment issue. My M was a SSM. I felt that xh was never there for me and xh was angry that I wasn't eager to jump into bed with him.
On hindsight, I realised what he meant when he said he felt diminished and rejected by my lack of interest in the bedroom.
On the other hand, I was also rejected and diminished by his inability to give me emotional support. I was not withholding sex as a punishment. I just couldn't do it because I needed to feel that emotional attachment. I felt like a piece of furniture to him and that sure didn't make me feel sexy.
I don't know the exact dynamics btw the 2 of you but to break the impasse, someone has to make the first move.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks Jksd! I appreciate that from the other side and that point of view I feel we have been in this cycle now for a while when I step back a look at it. She doesn't give me what I want so I don't give her what she wants We are both competitive stubborn individuals who always want to be right and win This is my second time around this block and it's so much different Last time I was so lost. I didn't know what I would do or how I would survive This time around I know I have a lot to work on but I feel so much more confident with myself
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Good job identifying some issues; both yours and hers. Right now, you've got to focus on yours. Her's don't matter right now. You need to immediately detach and ensure that you are not controlling, emotionally or verbally abusive. All that needs to stop today. Turn your efforts inwards and root out those problems. Destroy them. Its time for a new cbt. A cbt that is long over due. Now is not the time to start doing acts of service. Its too late for that. The time may come again when you CAN start doing acts of service but right now, she doesn't want that. Detach, 180 and GAL. You've done it before so you know you can do it again. Did those 180's stick last time? Sounds like maybe they didn't. What can you do to make them permanent?
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
"Did those 180's stick last time? Sounds like maybe they didn't. What can you do to make them permanent?"
Unfortunately they did not stick. I think I did a great job of becoming the provider she wanted me to be and the father she wanted me to be. Those things did stick. I'm back to being the successful person in business that she met when we fell in love. I consider myself to be a great father now and my son adores me and she knows that. However I fell short on the verbal things. Clearly that is my priority and what I'm tackling I'm not trying to go over and beyond with acts of service, but I'm just trying to do my role in being an equal partner in the marriage. I think I got to the point where I was providing and being a good partner so that was it. I let everything else fall by the waist side and let her handle it all physically and emotionally
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
cbt, believe it or not, you have been given a gift to be catching things right now. you have a great chance to fix things where they are. i on the other hand ignored things at the point you were at and hoped that it was a phase. now the wound has festerd horribly and the waters are very muddy.
educate yourself, and do what you have to do. its not going to be easy. but trust, me, you dont want to be where im at. and mine could have been prevented, if i would have started eariler.
