What Should I be Doing?

[Coconut]

Dear diary...
Before I left the house I left a note saying that I acted rash in the heat of the moment, I realized it was not productive so I allowed you to remove the post from Facebook. That I would appreciate her letting me know when and what she says to son so I know what he knows. And that I would be making my own decisions on when and what I do, I would accept input when she felt it necessary, but I'm making my own decisions. Maybe I shouldn't have left the note, but I felt avoidance was cowardly and wanted to put some expectations out there.

Anyway, she just texted:
Text 1 - I read the note, I appreciate you deleting the photos, son, family, and some work colleagues are on there, not ok to post that stuff on social media, we can deal with our issues privately (want to say that 3 people in a marriage is not private, but I won't respond to this again, note was all I'm doing)

Text 2 - haven't said anything to son yet, want to talk with you to figure out what to say (my response will be something in the neighborhood of i can see it's going to be a difficult conversation, but I am still processing that it occurred, And don't really have anything to input)

Text 3 - I am still planning on going to see the counselor next week. (I have my 3rd session tomorrow, she will have first session next Tuesday. Plan was then to go to couples therapy, but I think I'm not into that now, at least for awhile)

My response - Ok, I appreciate that


Ps- I'm not afraid of straight to the point responses, I'm a man and I understand that, hopefully I'm not to numb right now to feel the 2x4...

[sandi2]

The new LBH should not make a grand pronouncement to his WW about what he is going to do. This is the action of a newly betrayed LBH who feels the intense urge to do something.....anything. However, he is still in shock and should keep his mouth shut, at least until he gets more DB information under his belt.

Further on in this post, I will try to help you prepare for more DB.

Ok, after reading some of Sandis threads, I think I did the right thing, I told her I won't share the MB and she found someplace to sleep.

I just want you to understand that this is not punishment you are administering.

My instinct was to wake her before S gets up to make it less awkward, but I'll let her deal with that.

You have been the protector over her and your son ever since becoming a family. It is natural for you to experience those instincts, however, don't be too quick to act upon it right now. You made the right move by not waking her before S got up. She has to be responsible for her actions. Isn't that what the two of you have taught your son? This is only one of the ways she will have to be the one to give answers, and not expect you to cover for her.

Speaking of your son, if he is 16, he may not question why his mom is sleeping on the couch. Why not wait and see if he asks, before charging ahead with some grand explanation?

I called our boss and Left message that I won't be in for the next two days, does that make me look weak and should I go in anyways to let her see I can handle this? Although with zero sleep tonight, I don't think I can go in today, but will if highly recommended.

I don't think she will necessarily see it as weakness, if you won't discuss it with her. For some reason, LBH'S who have a WW want to "explain" too much. He needs to actually do the opposite and stay quiet. Let her wonder what you are thinking about doing. It would actually be a good thing, if she was a little nervous or concerned that you have taken off work a couple of days. Furthermore, why not plan to be gone when she gets home? And please, don't have a long talk about the relationship. If she corners you and starts talking about it........just listen and give your best poker face. Again, let her wonder how you feel or what you plan to do.

The purpose of doing what I suggested, is to change the dynamics. It is not to be mean, cold, punitive, or vindictive. Without you explaining every little thought or plan you have.......and with you not showing your usual emotions and giving her a poker face expression.......it causes her attention to turn toward you.

You see, when a woman gets emotionally involved with another man, she is ultimately taking her H for granted. I'm talking highly taming him for granted! He goes to the bottom of her interests and priorities. Her focus is all about the OM. Obviously, she's overly concerned about what she could lose.

When her H discovers she's cheating, she'll watch closely to see how he is going to react. If he starts telling her he forgives her (although she hasn't asked for his forgiveness), or he begs her not to leave and to give him another chance to prove what a wonderful H he can be, and/or she sees he's going to take the fall for her having an affair.............guess what happens? Her taking him for granted has just skyrocketed.

Am I saying the H shouldn't forgive or try to improve himself, etc.? Of course not. I am saying he shouldn't be hasty in telling her all of those things. That time will come later, much later. She has to accept responsibility for her actions. She has already lost respect for her H, and before her attraction and loving feelings are restored, there are several things that will need to take place. One, is for him to regain her interest, and perhaps, curiousity. The more she is assured that there is absolutely nothing she could ever do to stop him from wanting her.......the less a wayward wants him. A normal, loving wife wants that type of assurance....but a wayward is a different breed of woman, and her H cannot react in the same manner as he, perhaps, has done in the past or how he thinks he should do now.

Her attraction for her H is gone. She is bored with the MR. She longs, and even fantasizes, for romance and sexual passion. Although the H may not have seen any passion in her for years........the longing is there in her. Ufortunately, her passion for her H has died b/c the attraction for him is gone, and that causes her to be vulnerable for an affair. The good news is that the attraction for her H can return.

Some men think it's on the level of playing games, however, it has been proven countless times that when a WW thinks she might lose her H.......it causes her to want to draw closer. Now, do not blow this out of proportion and think I am suggesting something wild. I am just telling you that what you will need to do will probably seem just the opposite of what you want to do. I am simply trying to lay some ground work.

One thing that may sound like playing games to some men is the old adage of "playing hard to get". A lot of guys won't even try, which is sad b/c it works with a WW about as good as any secret formula I could give you. If you are easy for her to have.....she's not interested (or quickly lose interest). She wants what she can't have, and can't get through her manipulation.

If the WW thinks the H is dumping her.........instead of her doing the dumping, it shocks her system and works like a jump start for attraction....................if..........IF........the H is smart and plays his cards right. Not being hateful. Not yelling and cursing, calling her names. Not threatening. Not pouting or sulled. Not acting pitiful. Not lecturing. Not blaming or accusing. None of that type of bad behavior. He plays Mr. Cool (and not Mr. Kool-aid).

I can't cover everything in one post, so I will try to answer your questions in another one.

[Coconut]

Umm. I'm way confused, advice on the site all revolves Round disengage, don't show them site/book, keep answers short and relationship talk a no no..

Then I start reading divorce Remedy (chapt. 10) and its share this book with your wwS, ask ? If you feel like you need to, spend more time with them....

So I gotta admit, my natural instinct is follow the book, that would be great, I need her now more than ever....

BUT, I truly see the logic in wanting her to need me before I'm with her, so life experiences is my route. I'm only 12 hrs after bomb, this is going to rough...

One question I'd really really like an answer, what is the average time of disengagement before they come out of the fog? I know it's different for everyone, but some kinda answer would at least give me a starting point... Is it shorter if the affair was shorter (Max two months) and only got to kissing (which I kinda believe because she's been bleeding for a month now (she's at dr. Now to try and figure out why)

I'm really starting to dread having to explain to S why mom is in guest bedroom.

[Coconut]

I posted my previous question before I saw Sandis post... So I just want to add, Sandi you rock... i know your here to help, not to receive praise, but I find comfort in your ability to provide straight forward, insightful posts...

[CWOL]

Coconut,
Sorry that you are going through this, and our suspicions proved to be right... Unfortunately it's the case that happened to many of us here on the forum.
Did you talk to OM's wife? I think that will help end the A.

[Coconut]

CWOL,

My first inclination was to talk to the OM S and talk to the fire chief (they don't like drama), but honestly neither of those things would make me feel better and would be an act of revenge (Om spouse could be seen as compassion, but I wanted to do it when I was angry). I looked her up on Facebook last night, sad thing is they're not even two years into marriage, not much hope there, even we went 5 years before we could take our hands off of each other..

[Ralph88]

There are different views of outing the A. I am not an expert nor would I tell you which to do. I will tell you this, it may put pressure on the A, or it may make their bond greater. My issue is that with either, your S is to blame from your point of view. If it isn't this AP, it could be another. My WW has done this twice in two years, different APs. I'm my situation, it is our R and her personality that is driving these As. Some expose and it forces the AP to go away. I would look for texhubby or sandi for clear advice. Be patient for an answer and think it through for a few days before you decide.

[Coconut]

Ralph,

I'm gonna go back and read everything from today again, but I believe Sandis di comment on it... Today's been a whirlwind, I'm up for 34 hrs straight as of now

[Coconut]

I wish I knew how to edit posts on iPad...

But it's been a good day, I went for a walk in am along a canal, then sat in the backyard reading DR book and posts, headed out for walk in Everglades (haven't done that in a while), now I'm sitting at a tiki bar having a beer, and who knows what is next.... I'm pretty happy with today's outings seeing as my only plan was going to work.

[BluWave]

Coconut!

I truly feel for you---this is the worst! You are in the hardest place and it will get better down the road, even if it gets worse first. It's a long and difficult road! Sandi is giving you great advice here! I hope you can trust that she was a WW and knows best. Your W is not herself right now, she is in the fog. She is also confused and hurting, even if she appears confident in what she says. She is trying to convince herself what she is doing is ok, even though her gut knows it's wrong!

DB feels counter intuitive, so you need to try and take a step back from your spinning/emotions, deep breathe (you have all the time, no rush to DO anything), and lastly trust the advice/process! We are all here because we are in the same sitch or have been there before!

My sitch is a little different because it was my H that had the A and then ended up leaving, but there are many similaraities. Well now we have been back together for over a year, so I am seeing this from the other side. I read and read, and while I accepted the DB process, I struggled to apply it to my every day life because it felt so counter intuitive! It's hard to apply! Now that H is completely out of the fog--takes full responsibility, is remorseful, and has made genuine changes--we have talked about what happened, and I will tell you without a doubt, when I applied the "DB rules," it worked, but when I blew it (often), I pushed him further away! I didn't know that back then because I was hurt and scared.

So I want to highlight what worked and what didn't because he has told me:

When I got angry, upset, or tried to reprimand him for his behavior, he further justified what he was doing by being able to point a finger at me, "she is making me unhappy!"

When I cried/begged, yes, he felt terribly guilty and knew it was wrong, but that did NOT make him want to come back to me, quite the opposite! In fact, it made him feel worse about himself, so what did he do? He ran to the one person that told him how wonderful he was. OW!

When I ignored him (because I wanted to punish him and show him I was moving on), he felt incredibly frustrated with me. He felt all the more hopeless that we could ever reconcile or that I could ever forgive him.

He spoke in absolute positives! "I'm done." "I told you I want a D." "I have been unhappy for a long time." "I have always put your needs before mine." "I can't stay with you for the kids." ... Why was he sounding so assured and confident!?! Because he was trying to convince himself! He has admitted now, he always had this sick feeling it was wrong and felt terrible about himself. He second guessed himself EVERY day!

So what were the things that started to draw him back? Well there were many, but some of them actually had nothing to do with me. He had a lot to figure out on his own timeline..... But, when I was detached, GAL, cordial about kids/logistics, but overall losing interest in him and when he saw that I WOULD BE JUST FINE without him, well that is when he second guessed himself the most!!!

So take it one day at a time. Don't make any decisions. Take a giant step back and focus on number one. That's YOU!!!

-Blu