Lost at the moment

[lfm]

Thanks JB. Definitely working on detaching and see the validity in everything you posted. Admittedly, my biggets challenge has been letting myself get sucked in just a little bit everytime she has said that she understands that she needs to end the affair. I'm working on that part, not willing to believe anything she tells me anymore.

I'll contineu to post status updates, and definitely appreciate the advice I've found here and in the books. Appreciate everyeones support anf hope at some point I'll have some words of wisdom/experience to share with the other new members.

[lfm]

Hi all,

Interesting thing happened today, my wife texted and asked if she could meet me for lunch, which she has never done before. It was good to spend some time with her, but affirmed with her today, that I've realized I need to let her go and move on myself. I think this caught her off guard just a little bit. I followed that with I need to focus on myself so that at some point I'll be ready to move forward with someone who wants to be with me and that I can be happy with.

As I was walking her out of my office, she indicated that she hopes that things like her coming to meet me for lunch represents that she hasn't closed the book on us and that she hasn't completely walked away. I think it was her way of saying that she's still trying to have her cake and ice cream at the same time.

Based on where I've been and felt over the past few weeks, I feel I've made some real progress in the fact that I don't believe a word of what she is saying and am continuing to focus on myself, my kids and what I need to do to truly be ready to move on.

I'm planning on trying to sit down with her tonight to start mapping out finances going forward and who is responsible for what, so we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for the continued support and I'll post new updates as I can.

[Ralph88]

Good for you. Even if you have a small sliver of hope, she doesn't need to know that. I find my WW tries to use her having hope as a manipulation tool, bread crumbs, or buttering technique. I dont let it get to me. We all discuss actions not words, so you have told her many times I'm sure what you needed to say, no reason to repeat, do actions. You deserve to be somebody's plan

[lfm]

Let myself get sucked in again... I'm so dissapointed in myself.

Here's the story. Saturday night we went to a wedding reception for my S(19) girlfriends sister. We've gotten to know their family very well as S has been dating their daughter for over 2 years. During the reception we were holding hands, putting our arms around each other and W was laughing and leaning into me when she found something super funny. It really felt like old times between us.

I let my guard down and thought maybe she was starting to see the light a bit, but then was back to the OM last night. She didn't come home right after work like she usually does. She called and said she needed to go to the store. I knew from prior behavior that she was going to see the OM.

Anyway, feeling kind of stupid today becuase of all of it. This is going to be a long, long, long process and the rollercoaster is killing me.

Hope everyone else out there is doing well and thanks for listening/reading!

[Ralph88]

It happens to all of us.. Only after you are fairly detached and beat yourself up enough do you start to really get out of their circus.... It's hard to get out of their pull.. I found the easiest way is literally to drop the rope, then have an established list of things and actions you would need to see before getting even slightly pulled back in.. For me, it would be WW going to IC, apology, coming clean, some genuine remorse and sorrow... If those aren't met, I'm not back in at all!! With this list in mind, I already know every time she tries to draw me that I have something to check against besides emotions and feelings..

[lfm]

Update for the group. I haven't been on in a couple of weeks, but feel like my W if coming out of the fog a little bit. She has explained to me that she knows that she needs to break of the relationship with the OM, but is struggling with how to handle it. He's a co-worker (although they really just pass each other occaissionally at work) I'm not sure if I can trully believe her, but she has significantly cut back on her texting with him and has not gone out to see him in the past couple of weeks.

I'm hopeful that we're getting closer to piecing, but know there's a ways to go before the OM is out of her life and I still question wheter she'll ever be able to cut off contact with him.

I'll try to come back and provide updates as we work on figuring this out.

[sandi2]

This board is not just about updating. You need to be here every chance you have, reading and learning. What exactly have you learned and applied to your situation......besides not believing what she says (which you really haven't learned, IMHO).

LFM, I am going to be very plain with you. You are living in a fantasy. Your W is wayward and she has made no progress at all, therefore, the MR has made no progress. She announces to her H when she's going out with OM, going to see OM at his house, etc. And what do you do? What are your boundaries? Have there been any consequences to your W cheating on you?

but feel like my W if coming out of the fog a little bit. She has explained to me that she knows that she needs to break of the relationship with the OM, but is struggling with how to handle it

So tell me just why you think she's coming out of the fog? You are delusional. This is nothing more than a stall tactic and she is not trying to end things with the OM.

I'm hopeful that we're getting closer to piecing, but know there's a ways to go before the OM is out of her life and I still question wheter she'll ever be able to cut off contact with him.

Get this, if you do not get anything else. As long as she is in contact of any TYPE with her lover, the M is doomed! It cannot work with the three people in it. She is addicted to the affair and that's why she continues to go back to the OM. She has to go cold turkey and never see or speak to him again. No texting, no emails, no work contacts, nothing!

In the meantime, I suggest you go get your b@lls out of her purse and start acting like a man who deserves to be respected. All you tell us is what she has done. What are YOU doing, besides waiting on the sidelines and lying to yourself about how things are slowly moving ahead?

[lfm]

Thanks for the wake up call Sandi!

You're absolutely correct, I was being overly optimistic at the moment that I posted that. I agree that we can't move forward with the marriage while the other man is involved. My wife has agreed to marriage counseling, but I don't know if it will do any good while the OM is in the picutre. Any advice on that? I'm not sure if that needs to end first or if there is anything that would come out of MC that would help.

And I apologize that I haven't done a better job of explaining the things I have been doing. I'm definitely not sitting on the sidelines just waiting for her to figure things out. I've been going to church weekly, working out 3-5 times per week (and am down over 20 pounds so far), going out with friends after work (although not as much yet as I probably should be), I shaved off a goatee that I had worn for the last 10 years and am making sure I am clean shaven every day. I've also started wearing cologne every day, which is something I have never really done. Because of the weight loss, I've started buying new clothes, and I've applied for a new job at work, so I most definitely am not just sitting back expecting this to end. I'm mentally trying to prepare myself to move on, and my W if making that easier with each day that she continues to engage the OM.

I've also been doing a lot of reading, so of it books that relate to my situation, such as MWD's books and No More Mr. Nice Guy, and some reading for fun. I'm trying to detach as much as possible, although I find it difficult sometimes living in the same residence. There's about six weeks left before the house we started building before this started is finished, which hopefully will give me a bit more "space" to be physically separate from her when we are home together.

Thanks again for the feedback, the wake-up call and support.

[lfm]

On a side note, Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there! Hopefully we can all enjoy time with our kids and get away from the drama and stress that currently occupies our minds.

[sandi2]

I agree that we can't move forward with the marriage while the other man is involved. My wife has agreed to marriage counseling, but I don't know if it will do any good while the OM is in the picutre. Any advice on that? I'm not sure if that needs to end first or if there is anything that would come out of MC that would help.

The MC will not benefit the MR until she ends her A. Otherwise, it's like taking diet pills while you eat a banana split.

I've been going to church weekly, working out 3-5 times per week (and am down over 20 pounds so far), going out with friends after work (although not as much yet as I probably should be), I shaved off a goatee that I had worn for the last 10 years and am making sure I am clean shaven every day. I've also started wearing cologne every day, which is something I have never really done. Because of the weight loss, I've started buying new clothes, and I've applied for a new job at work, so I most definitely am not just sitting back expecting this to end.

Fantastic!

Have you read the link on detaching? I can see where physical detaching could help with the mental. It about the emotional attachment, as well. IMHO, it's how you tie everything to your W, or not. Check it out and see if you agree.

Good to hear from you. Keep up the GAL.