Broken not defeated pt 3

[Cherry]

Guys thank you all so much for the support and advice, I really appreciate the care and support and I really needed it.

I'm feeling better today, he is so all over the board that I shouldn't look at him. He's confused or he's lost idk, but that's toxic. And if he was this way when I met him, I wouldn't of let him in my life.

And you're right, I should not be ashamed in front of ow. She's a disgusting pos too who knows the score. Eurgh.

I dunno if it's heating tbh, he is still at home rather a lot, still coming to bed and still kind of getting close in bed but not initiating anything. I guess this is some confusion.

I need to think of what kind of woman I want to be. I want to be the strong me, business woman, mom, and fiesty Latina. Your right- I have a child that looks up to me and loves me, and that's who I need to be strong for and set an example too.

Feeling somewhat calmer

[Phoebe]

Good for you, Cherry. I'm glad you're in a calmer place today.

[Cherry]

Got a little angry again, don't even know what triggered it. Hate how the waves come. Trying to accept it, and let it pass.

[Cherry]

So closes another day. Briefly saw ow who had seen me and then walked into a turnstile that didn't turn on her and kinda winded her a little. I know I should be an adult or concentrate on her, but karma is a bigger bi**h than I could ever be. Due to my work commitments I have barely seen h today. He said a rather more upbeat hello and got in bed.

I have tried to stay calm today, and I was a lot calmer than yesterday. I had so much work on I was busy, I laughed, I was rather fabulous. I conferenced with some big bosses and I took s meeting outside in the sun. I focused on me, I focused on the sun. And most importantly my child.

I realised whenever I think of h and get those awful flashbacks, it's to the OLD him. Not the current him. I need to seperate these men. I need to grieve as if the other has gone. Which is easier said than done with his evil twin looks a lot like him.

[Phoebe]

Cherry, you ARE fabulous!

At my last visit with my grief counselor, I told her that I almost felt like my original H had died. She said that, in that case, perhaps we ought to have a small funeral ceremony for him.

She wasn't kidding!

[Cherry]

Thanks phoebe. Sounds like your grief counsellor actually has a bit of a funeral. I'm not sure I could do that. I think I'm trying to protect myself by acting like all of this isn't happening. I need to get it in my head it is and take charge.

Today is a new day, slight anxiety- and I don't know why!! Got an early finish from work, so going to pick baby up and do something fun. Just don't know what quite yet- but I know I need to do something for my sanity.

[Cherry]

Just had a thought of when h delivered his ILYBNILWY speech. He mentioned about how I met with a male friend a few months back for a coffee, and said if you have male friends I can have female. Then a day after, I discovered the ow.

I'm wondering if he is not trusting of me, although I haven't given him a reason to. Or maybe he worries about me straying. Idk.

[Painter]

It's just a lame way to make himself feel less guilty. H did the same to me, would rage about an evening I went out to chat with a male friend and his friend again, although he knows perfectly well there was no reason to. It was just convenient to cast doubts on me to deflect from what he had done.

[focus22]

Maybe he was justifying his own 'friendship' to himself Cherry? x

[Cherry]

Yeah true, it most probably a way to justify his own "friendship". Ugh