14 days of sheer hell, now 5 weeks are over

[Cadet]

Does my wandering change the dynamic? I don't think so...

NO it does not.

Use basic DB'ing skills,
a beginners mind would come to mind first.

And concentrate on the person you can control - YOU.

Maybe look into something like AA,
12 step program.

If you dont FIX yourself then you will continue to repeat over and over again.

[dream]

I'm glad to see you're looking at yourself and seeing how you've contributed to your marriage. I know it's not easy or fun to do. I don't think you've been "in the fog" for 16 years, but that you've had poor boundaries (pointing out pretty girls, talking about 3-somes, etc). Now that you've brought this to your attention, what are you going to do with this information to make yourself a better partner?

I don't think you should tell your wife about this until you're in the reconciliation phase. She hasn't shown any actions or changes on her end. Regardless of what happens with you 2, you have already improved yourself by looking at your faults and now hopefully working to strengthen your boundaries for the future.

Keep tweaking your goals. Stay focused.

[Melo]

DDJ, awesome job with the introspection. Now that you know what was wrong, you can start trying to make it right. Stay strong brother.

[MoveFrwd]

Now that you know what was wrong

Id say now you are starting to get somewhere.

How can you use this information to add to your goals?

How can you dig deeper to find the root of your issues?

[DDJ]

@cadet - I feel no anxiety at all towards my WW or my marriage anymore. I am only going to focus on myself. I must disregard everything else. i need to find myself and create those boundaries that dream speaks about. I never knew what boundaries really were until i got those 10 letters myself. Will look into the 12 step program and see how i can apply it to my goals too.

@dream - I probably was not in the fog for that long, but certainly was until the day i told the OW to choose me or her current BF. That was 4 years. As for the changes in my WW, she was looking at our wedding photos yesterday, sent another email today to say she wants to make it work. There is no tension between us at all, but i need to clear my head still so want to be by myself indefinitely. For me to realise what we have is real, I need to miss her too...

@darknes, serious, i've gone soooo deeeep. You want me to go deeper. Not sure that I can but I will, just cos you asked. As for adding to my goals, i think it improves focus and motivation. I know exactly what the future me will look like. Nothing like the previous me.

thx doodler and melo for the support too.

You are all helping me to save my life.

[MoveFrwd]

@darknes, serious, i've gone soooo deeeep. You want me to go deeper. Not sure that I can but I will, just cos you asked.

I think you understand the "what" behind what youve done. Now it's time to understand "why"! Then, you can figure out how to approach changing.

As for adding to my goals, i think it improves focus and motivation. I know exactly what the future me will look like. Nothing like the previous me.

I recommend that you write them out. Doesnt have to be here. But write out exactly what you want. Then it's easy to hold yourself accountable to it.

[DDJ]

@darknes, I think that I understand the why, but definitely need to state it to take it in. What I want for the future me is to achieve those goals on a daily basis. I'd be able to be a lighthouse for my family, finally.

Well enuf about me. My W appears back for good. Not getting excited. As I said the other day, she threw away her (lady) pills. Last night she came home and her phone batt was flat. She left it off, and only charged it now this morning. she wants to kiss and hug me; her love language is touch so I give her hugs but tell her it's too early for a kiss.

She no longer speaks of D and says that the person that sent that "F me" text on Monday and the person on Wed are two different people. Im not sure if we reconciled the other day when we discussed all the resentment over the years and squashed each one, paving the way to a future without regret.

Again, not getting too excited because actions speak loudest. This wknd will be a litmus test. I plan on leaving her at home for mothers day and getting her nothing still. I need to see if she is going to rebel. Most likely she will. Her birthday is next week so not sure what to do there tho...

[DDJ]

Just got off the phone with my XGF, explained that it was not her, it was all me. I cried a little bit for the hurt that she had to endure, guess i was sooo attached. It helps for me to let that go, I definitely needed that.

Now to pull my head out of my arse and GAL!

[DDJ]

So WW just called me, so much doubt in her mind about making us work. I cannot control how she feels though, so changed the subject. She asked why i'm holding on to the M, is it for our S?

I said that i'm definitely not trying to stay together, or trying to stay together for our S. I'm not doing this for her, our S or our M. I am trying to fix myself, for myself. I am going to be a better father and if we're still somehow married at the end of this, then so be it.

How did i fare?

[DDJ]

I'm feeling less anxiety, like i can't "really change her mind" is sinking in. She needs to change her own mind and see if she wants to really make it work. It can't work until she really wants it to. I fear that that is not going to be anytime soon. I am willing to face my fears.